An Open Letter to my Ex

Personally, I think there are too many of these on the internet. Thought Catalog, Elephant Journal… If I were as vocal as I used to be I think I’d be writing a lot of these just to get over you. Not to say that I’m not over you now, but it did take me a great amount of time to feel like I can finally breathe again. Cheesy as it may sounds, it took me a long time to be happy again, after completely eliminating you from my life.

More than two years after we broke up, you came up with an idea to make peace with me. Let’s take a step back and review this.

We broke up a week after my birthday — and unfortunate date to remember because it is exactly 7 days after my birthday — 2 years ago. We didn’t speak for two and a half months and I was getting nightmares every night. And then, because of a project that we have to work together with, we had no choice to talk to each other again so we could work. I say no choice because it did seem like you didn’t want to talk to me and then you had to.

Anyway.

We were going fine for another two months, secretly became each other’s rebounds as well. Ah, the agony. I remember it so well. Can call it friends with benefits also lah because macam berdating but not really kan? But, in my effort of keeping us together, maybe I’ve done too much. Maybe you were also frustrated that we could only be just friends and so you took it out on me the day I wanted to share with you one of my happy news, by yelling at me to leave you alone, never speaking to you ever again.

And so I left.

The dreams continued for another year, off and on, worst when I’m exhausted and had only very little sleep. We talked only once on text, with you telling me to just move on, as if I wasn’t trying at all. I kept myself busy, focus only on important friendships and working really hard to find my place in the industry. Your name appears only towards the end of last year as our paths crossed for a brief of time. You clearly moved on with your current girlfriend. And we were strangers, no doubt.

We started talking earlier this year because of another project that we kinda have to work on together, and we’ve been on a talking basis since. I still avoid you every now and then when I can, and I heard you noticed it too. I don’t hate you or anything, I just don’t think (a) your girlfriend is okay with us being friends friends (I don’t think she likes meeeeeee), and (b) as I said, I focus only on important friendships. You know, ones that are worth keeping.

So, honestly, a part of me is happy that you are coming up with an initiative for us to start over or something before you fly to US and never to come back again. It would’ve been better if you did this two years ago, but sometimes it’s better late than never. But then…. The other part of me doesn’t think it would be worth both our time at all. What are you hoping for anyway? You don’t know how to be my friend and soon I won’t be in your priority list, so, why bother?

Let’s recap.

You were not the best boyfriend. You were mentally abusive, two-faced, and an all-rounder asshole. I had to wait two years to find out what all your friends ever knew about our relationship was one-sided. And they were always your side of the story. All I was, was this difficult, clingy, whiny girlfriend that you had to bear with for more than a year. You told everybody our problems as a couple, and none of it you shared with me to solve together. And so I was scrutinized by your friends without even realizing it.

You don’t know the amount of damage you’ve done, the pictures of me that you have painted in your friends’ mind. You were the best of friend to everyone, and I was this low-life that did not even deserve a chance to be friends with anybody. When we broke up, most of your friends told me to just move on, while my friends made all the effort to cheer me up and make me feel better. I did not even deserve to be heard, to tell people my side of the story. Nobody wanted to hear my story.

And so I left.

You see, I can be friends with you. I can work with you if we need to. But you have to understand where I’m coming from when I say this — I don’t see the point of us making peace with each other. You were toxic to me and I don’t really want you back in my life, personally. I have defended you whenever I argue about you with myself, but I think it’s time that I stop hearing your name from anybody. Even me. And I want to start with this.

Your success was my interest as I have always believed that you were destined for far greater things than what you’re doing now. Your life will change forever in a month’s time and you will be overwhelmed by everything all at once. Cherish your blessings and continue to stay humble. Your priority as you land will only be you, but don’t push away those who still continue to support you. You will never be alone, so, appreciate your surroundings.

I wish you the best.

Once,
your by.