I’ve tried to see beyond what exists here. I’m struggling.
How can I know that my father is okay? He’s gone. His body is here, decaying in a box in the ground. Clearly, his mind is no longer with his body. Where did his mind go? I understand that his physical brain is now gone, but I mean his MIND- his thoughts, his struggles, his beliefs, his abilities to know and understand.
I just want to know, so badly, that he’s okay. That he’s peaceful, that he’s found a place of comfort. But I want to think that he still has thoughts and feelings. I’m scared knowing that my father doesn’t think about me, or know me anymore. Is that narcissistic of me? That I need to be on his mind and to know that I still exist in his thoughts… even when his brain no longer exists.
Death brings about scary existential questions. The problem is that they aren’t answered and you have to deal with that.