To Put All Of Your Eggs In One Basket or Not? That is The Question.
My mother once told me that when you’re dating you should imagine what the headline would look like when it ends, and I guess what she meant was, you don’t want to do anything scandalous.
I always think about dating in New York and modern dating, and how hard monogamy is, but I’ve been thinking a lot about what my mother said to me a long time ago. I don’t know how long it’s been that I’ve just put all of my eggs in one basket? That includes fully cutting off all strange texting rapports.
My last relationship was the first time that I did that for a while, and now that I’m single again, I can’t help but be a little annoyed. One, because I lost all of my in case of emergency guys, and two, because the guy I was going out with never fully invested and for some asshole reason, I decided to go all in for the first time in seven years, with a guy that was always looking for something better. Which is probably why I got so annoyed that he wasn’t actually trying, but also why I went a little crazy and hyper focused on things I wouldn’t have normally. It’s almost like having that level of integrity caused me to get on top of my moral high horse, and feel like, well, I’m not being a shady asshole, so you shouldn’t be.
The problem is, we all freak out in the beginning and we all show it differently. I’ve only physically cheated when I was 22, and that wasn’t even actually cheating, because I was a virgin at the time. None the less, I felt so horrid about what I had done, I told my boyfriend the next day and broke up with him. I didn’t cheat because I didn’t care, I cheated because it was a once in a lifetime moment and I didn’t want to miss out. Plus, I’m totally guilty of emotional cheating. I mean, there’s always that odd point when you know it’s almost the end, and neither person wants to say it, so you start looking for other things. I get that people aren’t perfect.
I guess that’s when I ask myself, what is cheating? Why did I need to be so hard on him? I guess it was because if he had been honest, I wouldn’t have been. To me, I get that it’s hard to be monogamous. That flirting is human, but it’s when you aren’t honest with your partner about these feelings that it becomes destructive. The real cheating isn’t the cheating, it’s the lying to your partner about what the actual problem is. If you’re making dates to hang out with people and you can’t tell the person you’re with, either you’re being shady, or you don’t trust the person you’re with will understand. That could be true, or it could just be that you’re underestimating them. That to me is a problem, that is a lack of trust and that means you aren’t connected.
That was the problem in my last relationship. He hid everything, to the point that I didn’t feel safe and didn’t trust him anymore. It made me question him all the time. I didn’t want to be that girl. It made me feel crazy. I turned into this crazy investigative reporter, some would say stalking, but I feel like that implies more than just looking through social media, because all women are reporters when forced to be, and trust me, we do not want to be like that. I hated feeling that kind of anxiety, like looking for clues, trying to find anything. Of course I did. The thing was, I wouldn’t have cared if he wanted to see other women, or if he was freaking out, or whatever it was, what hurt most was that he didn’t talk to me about it. It was just the complete lack of respect he would have for me, and that he would do things that would hurt me. That he would omit information that could actually hurt me, or us, or even another woman that was getting attached, but he didn’t even care about that.
But here’s the thing, he might have wanted to have the freedom to just do whatever, and I get that, but that kind of freedom is there because you are actually trusted, while we all want to be blindly trusted. We earn trust, we aren’t entitled to it. When I first start dating a guy, I make sure he knows who my guy friends are and I’m available if he needs to reach me, I mean, not all night, but I want him to feel safe, because I care. I feel like when you’re in a good relationship, that’s naturally there.
I also don’t sleep with more than one guy at a time, not even casually. Even though, it might not be emotional, I’m not sleeping with tons of guys. I’m just sleeping with one guy, but really rarely, even if I’m going on dates with others, but just not having sex with those guys. If I think I’m going to start having sex with someone else, I don’t continue to sleep with that guy.
At the end of the day, we’re all going to love/ hook up, in our own way, but I don’t like being the woman that loves a guy and just acts oblivious and doesn’t care, when deep down she knows he’s being a dick. I would rather have an open conversation and he can do what he wants, and we can be smart about it. Maybe that’s weird, but that’s how I think things should be. I think that’s how you build a strong connection, but these days, it’s so hard. I’m just as guilty as the next person at not knowing how to clearly state what I want or need, because of texting and because we just look for the bad things, so we can discount each other and find someone new. I think it’s sad.
I think we should just actually start to meet each other and not look for the bad things, but realize we’re all super freaked out in someway, because we aren’t young kids. This isn’t our first rodeo. So we need to be kind and open to that, and try a little tenderness, like Otis Redding said.
Do I regret putting all of my eggs in one basket really? Honestly, I don’t. For the first time in years, I was present. I wasn’t looking for the next best guy, I was simply trying to get to know the guy I was with, which is the only reason it was so sad to me he spent the whole time doing what I used to do, which is not truly enjoying the person I was with, because I didn’t want to miss out on someone else that didn’t exist. Therefore, I say, fuck it. It’s worth it to invest in one person and see where it goes. Even if it ends, at least you can actually say you did your best. For that reason alone, even though I don’t have anymore booty calls, I did my best and I went in with integrity, and left a better person.