I learned what love is
I love my boyfriend. I live with him. I consider him my partner in crime, in adventure, and one of my best friends.
We both have depression, and I have anxiety on top of it. He has ADHD, and I have migraines.
It’s hard to have a relationship on top of having those things. It’s hard to have a life on top of having those things, because those things steal the life you would have had. Want to go out dancing? Nope, you’re too anxious and panicked. Want to go to the movies? Nope, movies are too loud and you’re probably too anxious to go.
But not today. Today I will force myself to be uncomfortable. Today I will push myself for love.
My partner has been there for me every day that I’ve been down. Every day I haven’t felt good. Almost every appointment, and certainly every time he was able he came to see me in the hospital.
I can’t always love him like I want to be able to love him. I want him to feel loved. I want him to feel like I feel. I want him to look at me and know that I love him. I want him to know that I will fight to come back to him when I’m in a depressive episode.
I want to find a supportive surrogate family for him. I know I can’t. I know that’s not a task I can do. That has to come from within. I can’t fight his demons for him.
Some days, I can barely fight my own demons. But today, not only will I fight them, but I will beat them back. Because I want to see my man smile again.
Love is sacrifice. It is patient and kind, but love without sacrifice means nothing. It might seem silly, but I won’t allow myself to let my demons win today. My sacrifice is that today, I will be strong for him. Today, I will make him smile.