I Tolerate You

What Makes an Emotionally Unavailable Man Want to Stay in a Relationship? And How Can I Help Him to Help Himself?

Even the emotionally unavailable need company.

So, they take what they can get. This usually means someone codependent enough to put up with the emotional distancing and quite possibly get some of their own needs met by putting up with the emotional distancing.

This generally does not turn out to be a happy arrangement.

Because it’s emotionally unhealthy. But just palatable enough for both parties to continue without addressing any of their core wounds. The codependent gets to stay codependent. The emotionally unavailable gets to stay emotionally unavailable.

It feels just like home!!

The problem —

Also.

Is that the main reason these two people are together is because it feels just like home.

Familiar.

Dysfunctional.

So, they’re not together because they’re compatible.

They’re together because they’re dysfunctional.

And this is an astonishingly sticky glue.

Because the guilt and shame of our childhood homes —

Becomes the guilt and shame of our adult homes.

Which brings us to your question.

And this:

How do I help him to help himself?

Which is pretty much the first —

And only.

Line of the codependent handbook.

Which you have already mastered.

So, you’re all set!!

Just keep doing what you’re doing. Cut his food for him.

Chew it if necessary.

Make him feel secure and even valued in his —

Disdain.

For you.

And you’ll have him —

Tolerating you.

Forever.

But he will never love you.

And he will never value you.

Except as the —

Mother?

He also felt ambivalent about.

This article originally appeared on Quora.