You’re not ready

You say you’re not ready to talk, but you were ready to let me go. You say you’re not ready to see me, but you were ready to leave me.

When you came along, Spring of 2015, I was ready for a partner, someone to share my last year of high school with. Someone to go to prom with. Someone to walk with me during graduation. Someone to celebrate the end of a chapter with. I had my doubts at the start of our relationship. You made me feel amazing while we were together, but when we weren’t it felt like reality would hit me. I felt so good with you that I didn’t want to hear what reality had to say. But that would only last so long.

When you first kissed me, I told you my fears. I told you my insecurities and I trusted you when you said you wouldn’t hurt me. Our first time, those same insecurities came up and I told you I wanted to share that first with my last, you told me you wanted to be my last. I don’t know if it was lust or if you wanted a deeper connection with someone. I wanted to say it was love at first sight, but it wasn’t. I fell in love with you through our time together… but just like I felt like I was in the clouds with you, when it stoped raining on earth, that cloud disappeared… just like you.

I read my diary the other day and one of the things I’ve noticed was that I still felt the same way I did 2 years ago. I felt like I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted anymore. I lost my inspirations, my aspirations, and me.

“I didn’t know then, what I know now. Couldn’t dive in, couldn’t back down. Gravity hurts, you made it so sweet, until I fell on the concrete.”

I didn’t know the consequences of loving someone, but I wouldn’t have know unless I loved someone first.

I don’t regret being with you. You gave me an amazing experience I will always remember. You showed me how to be patient and what it feels like to have someone be crazy for you. You also taught me that nothing lasts forever and I can’t fix someone else. They have to do that on their own.

You came from a broken family. When we first met, you were dealing with the horrors of your parent’s divorce. It wasn’t pretty, but I knew you needed someone, so I was there. I thought you dealt with it on your own, which is why I let you in my life. But I also felt rushed into something I wasn’t too sure of. But I trusted you to lead the way. It wasn’t even 2 months into my relationship when I realized that I changed. I realized I wasn’t the wacky, cocky, and confident person I once was. But I didn’t know if it was just a phase because I didn’t get in to the school everyone said I was meant to go to and I dreamed of attending since I was 6. I didn’t know if it was me, or if it was you.

You overwhelmed me with attention and affection. It felt nice for a while, but I soon grew tired of it and I took it for granted. I thought you were like that way so I accepted you for it. I didn’t realize it was a cry for help. Unfortunately, it wasn’t something I could give you, not in the amount you were asking me. You needed to help yourself before I could help you. Before anyone could help you. I could be there when you needed me, but giving you the attention you required would have been in vain, because you would always want more. That didn’t mean I wasn’t willing to try, but by trying I also lost sight of myself.

I don’t know when you decided to stop fighting for me. I don’t know if I said something to make you feel I wasn’t worth fighting for. I don’t know if I ever will know, but I do know that I did my best to love you and support you in every way I could. When you felt lonely, I gave you my time. When you felt like you didn’t have a family, I gave you mine.

Somewhere along the lines
We stopped seeing eye to eye
You were staying out all night
And I had enough

The past few days I was feeling like I wanted to be with you. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted know where I stood in your life because I couldn’t understand how I dedicated 2 years of my life for you to leave me feeling like a stranger. I thought I wanted you to stay in my life and that you broke up with me because you thought that was the only solution. We could have worked it out together. I don’t know if you didn’t know that or you didn’t want to make it work.

When my parents talked to me again, they told me that you closed that door on me when you decided to break up with me and that waiting for you to open it would only make me feel worse. I hate to think I that needed to see my parents cry for me to realize what I was doing. I tried to walk away from what they were telling me because I didn’t want to believe you were closing that door on me. I couldn’t believe it and I still can’t. But I have to accept it, not just for my good, but for those around me. My dad walked inside with me in tears telling me that he was also hurt by you walking away. He treated you like a son. He gave you shelter when you needed it and you didn’t have the dignity to even say goodbye and now he’s watching his daughter deteriorate because you couldn’t handle seeing their faces when you left. You weren’t just dating me, you were also dating my family. And I think that hurt me more… because you didn’t just hurt me, you hurt everyone I brought you to.

Do I want to get back together? I don’t know. Do I want to go through this again? Do I want to see you hurt my family again? No. Do I want your affection and for you to keep the promise you made me? Yes, but I know you’re not ready. You were never ready to deal with problems that came with a relationship. You wanted to create a relationship your parents didn’t have and you ended up doing the exact same thing. You weren’t ready then, and you’re not ready now.

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