Let’s talk about how we feel — it could save a life
Earlier this week, my young teenage cousin’s first boyfriend/date and good friend killed himself. It’s heartbreaking. For his family, my cousin and aunt, for his friends, for our world. On the same day they found out, there was a school shooting near Spokane, where they live. Where I am from. My aunt and I were having a conversation about how to best memorialize him and countless others who take their own lives and those who are victims of mass shootings and killings. What we think it comes down to is this: instead of us REacting each time this happens and then after a few days forgetting about it (until it happens again, because it will), let’s ACT. Let’s PROact. I don’t have all of the answers on how to do that, but I have some ideas.
Let’s slow down. Let’s be aware of what is happening around us. Let’s ask each other how we are feeling. Not just when we’ve been sick, but all of the time. Let’s be honest in our responses. Let’s not just say “fine” (f*cked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional). Fine is not a feeling. Let’s use real feeling words like joyful, anxious, depressed, sad, angry, hurt, peaceful, content, resentful. Then let’s follow up with why. Why are you feeling that way? Why am I feeling this way? Without judgement. Just name it, recognize it, acknowledge it, and express it. Let’s recognize when someone around us doesn’t seem “fine.” Let’s recognize we don’t feel “fine.” Let’s give ourselves and each other the space, acceptance, and courage to feel our feelings. With empathy rather than pity. With love rather than judgement. With compassion rather than apathy.
Sometimes (a lot of the time), it’s hard for me to feel my feelings and express them. I’m working on it. Every day. Everyone “expresses” their feelings in their actions, reactions, and presence in one way or another, regardless of whether or not we are “feeling” our feelings and acknowledging them and naming them. In the past, for the majority of my adult life, I pretend everything is fine. I put on a smile, I make jokes, I help other people, I “buck up” and go about my day because responsibilities. You know? Well, no more. If I’m feeling sad and feel like I need or want to cry, I’m going to. If I’m feeling joy and feel like I want to dance, I’m going to. If I’m feeling hurt, angry, and resentful at someone or something, I’m going to figure out a way to be honest and authentic with them. Now, not tomorrow. Not two years from now. I read this yesterday: “there is less to forgive if we are honest in real time.” Yes!
So I’ll start being honest here about the topics of this post (what were those again? This is a long post, Mel!). Suicide. Slowing down. Giving ourselves and each other space to feel our feelings, express our feelings, and help people feel “heard” and “seen.” Yesterday, one of my dearest and oldest friends said to me, in response to something I had messaged her about all of the intense things I’ve gone through over the past several months, “you’re strong and tough. You can get through it. You can always call me. I’ll always be here for you.” I know she means well, that she loves me, and that she will always be there for me. I know that to my core with all of my heart. She is truly one of my best friends, even if we go years without seeing each other or talking regularly. She is my sister and always will be.
But you know what? In the past, when I’m going through intense, hard things, I don’t call you. Or anyone. I don’t reach out. I isolate. I don’t make plans, and if I do, I cancel them. Then I feel horribly guilty and ashamed. I avoid. I don’t feel strong or tough or like I can get through anything. And I don’t WANT to have to be strong and tough. I feel alone. So alone that there have been several times that I have been suicidal. There have been days, weeks, sometimes even months where I thought and felt that taking my life would be better than keeping going. Because I was exhausted. Because I was drained. Because I was in so much pain and hurt so much in my mind, my soul, my body, my heart. And I didn’t see an end to that pain. But remember, I put on a smile, I pretend everything is fine. I don’t reach out. If I happen to, I do it with a smile. Not honesty. Not reaching out for your help. Well, not in a healthy, honest way anyway. I don’t want to have to call people I haven’t talked to for a long time when I’m in a crisis. I don’t want to be the one who reaches out. I want people to just show up for me. I want to know people will be there for me without my having to do anything. Because when I’ve felt like this, I’ve been so tired it is draining to just breathe.
But my friend didn’t and doesn’t know all of this. I bet — nay, I know — many or most of you didn’t know this about me. And that is my fault. But maybe — just maybe — others play a role too. Maybe I haven’t reached out and been honest and authentic and vulnerable in the past because many times when I have before (other than when someone dies), it’s uncomfortable for me and for you. And we’re busy — your life goes on. You REact in the moment, but then forget. I get it — I do that too.
So I’m making it a priority to not only feel my feelings and express them in honest and authentic ways, but to also reach out to people when I’m thinking about them. Ask them how they are doing, how they are feeling. Just let them know I’m here: I’m listening, I hear you, I see you, I witness you. I may not be able to solve your problems or erase your pain, but I can be present for you. I will hold space for you. I will listen without judgement. Without pity. Without trying to solve your problems. I will hear you. I will grieve with you, I will celebrate with you. You can count on me as a connection — to be heard, to be seen, to be loved, to be witnessed, to be touched (not in a creepy way).
I’m here for all of you, and I know that you will be there for me the best you can be. With lots of love, hugs, and space. ❤
#selfcare #suicide #depression #anxiety #love #compassion #slowdown #listen #awareness #actionnotreaction
