Teenagers

Sometimes at lunch we would go make out on our friend’s sofa. I don’t know why we did that. Most of the time I hated how his braces felt, and how his arm would get crushed under my body in what often became the inevitable sideways hug. Pressure for too long and the numbness overtakes you. But really, where else would you put that stray arm? I wondered that for so long. Why did my 15 year old self seem to care?

Things are always so complicated until you pull away the curtain and leave your problems naked at the door. This never happens. We shroud ourselves in comforting secrets, and most of the time, we take them to our graves. If you can just roll your eyes into the back of your head and fish for that one memory you repressed for so long. Think about that, retrieve it, and ponder it. Do you have it?

Where has your spine gone? Obviously we hide the embarrassing, the fatal, and the ugly, ugly shame. And then maybe one day a therapist will remind you of it. Or maybe they will just plant a little seed in your head for later. So you wake up screaming, and suddenly you recall that terrifying incident when you were lost in a strange brown building with a tall shadow lurking just behind.

But was that real?

When I got my license I was 16, but I had already been driving since I was 14. It was a big secret because most of the time we were high or drunk. My older friends thought it was funny to put me at the wheel, helpless and lost like a puppy. I stalled and sputtered and laughed, eyes glowing red and my mouth tasting like whiskey sours.

“This is golden,” Trent yelled as we took a sharp corner.

It was May, it was getting warmer, and I was getting better at this whole idea of driving around a crew of people I think I loved.

“Where should we go next?” I asked, and slowed down to stare at the water along the edge of the glistening road. I pulled into the park on the dirt pathway, headlights beaming and showing us the way.

“Let’s just look for that weird, crazy naked guy. If you clap three times he’s supposed to clap back,” Trent was laughing as he said this. I rolled my eyes, but I still liked his freckled nose and short brown hair. He had a plump beer gut and strained vocal chords from yelling and smoking. His shoulders, broad and strong, signaled that he could be more attractive if he gave up cigarettes and Colt 45. But we all knew that would never happen.

Marissa was quietly sitting in the back of the old chevy truck, and Matthew held her hand. They had been dating for two years now. Marissa had this crazy blonde hair I envied, it was curly and soft and perfect. Her white skin was unmarked, and she was tall and thin like a model. Matthew didn’t take that for granted, his shaggy brown hair covered his eyes but he could still see. He had muscular arms and a tall frame, he towered over all of us, the protector of our little group. But his soft blue eyes always reassured me that he was merely a gentle giant undercover.

And then there was our ever present fifth wheel, Tom. Too stoned to care and always lugging a ruck sack filled with toilet paper and a dozen eggs. Who knew what the night could bring, as he always said. Tom always has a bag of weed, too. His thin dirty blonde hair hangs over his ears and he has this toothy smile that only a mother could love. His bony body kept girls away for most of his high school career, but he has a softness bound to flourish in college.

“That’s real, I’m serious!” Matthew said. “I heard some kid was biking through the park late one night, and this fat mother fucker in his underwear started chasing him! The kid was biking as fast as he could but apparently this naked dude can run even faster.”

“He’s probably some perv just looking for a laugh,” Marissa interrupted. “Imagine he’s just a normal guy during the day, how weird is that?”

“He can’t be normal!” Trent cried. “He’s gotta be some homeless psycho looking for drugs or money or whatever those types need to get through the night, y’know?”

We all looked at each other for a few seconds before bursting into laughter. Trent rolled another joint and I parked by the beach. The moon made the water look like glass, completely crystallized in the night. I got out of the car, and Marissa jumped out behind me grabbing my shoulders.

“Shall we get a little naughty this evening?” she asked me, with a sparkle in those green eyes. I always knew this girl was trouble. But I went along with it most of the time. Fourteen was a curious time, but now, we were 16, and we had a bit more experience. Maybe we were even cool, with our 19 year old friends that always bought us a bottle of flavoured vodka for the weekend.

She ran ahead of the pack, hidden by shadows and leaving small footprints in the wet sand. She peeled off her tank top and threw it carelessly to the ground, never once looking back with her teasing eyes. Matthew ran ahead to grab her silently, and she howled with fright. I stopped and stood there watching. My toes curling and my lips quivering. I felt the hair on my neck standing, despite the heat. Trent and Tom moved closer to the water, tripping over their clothes as they took everything off. Stripping down to nothing, baring the whitest of flesh that never saw the sun.

Me, I’m pale, I’m scrawny, I have these weak arms with the smallest bit of muscle from soccer practice. I wouldn’t say I have hips, just awkward bones that poke out violently beneath my denim shorts. Once I sat on a boy’s lap and he said my ass was bony. I had blushed and gotten up to reach for the bottle at that point. Puberty was painful, at least, I thought it was. Marissa reveled in it.

But it was dark and I was stoned. I kinda thought I could build up my courage so I too began to peel away my layers. I set my shorts, shoes, underwear and t-shirt on a ledge in a neat little pile. And then I ran towards the water, where my friends were already naked and splashing and cursing and smoking.

“What took you so long, miss?” Trent hit the water with his hand and the splash hit my chest, cold and unexpected. I shrunk down into the black and shrugged. “I’m kinda messed up,” I said.

“I’m feeling amazing,” Marissa laughed and dove beneath the water. Matthew jumped, and I looked at Trent awkwardly. Tom was splashing around a few meters away. He sparked the joint and came closer to the circle.

“Now we’re the crazy naked people,” he smiled devilishly as the smoke poured from between his big teeth and pink lips. I grabbed the joint and inhaled.

“I wonder if he’s watching us..it is Saturday night. Prime time!” I called out, jumping up and down, feeling the wet mud ooze between my toes.”Which reminds me, why the hell aren’t there a dozen other kids here getting smashed or having sex in their cars?”

Trent shrugged his shoulders. I glanced at him with questioning eyes.

“I guess there’s a party on Lakeshore. Should be pretty messed up though. This chick in tenth grade is throwing it and her parents are away on vacation,” he said.

“Is that the girl who got fingered in front of…”

“No,” Trent quickly cut off Tom. “That was that bitch we shall not name.”

“Damn, Trent, take it easy,” Marissa giggled and rubbed Matthew’s ear. “She’s a slut, who cares. You weren’t dating no matter what you say. She barely acknowledged your presence at the party anyway.”

“Shut up Marissa, what would you know?”

She scoffed and I turned away, aching for another hit to ease the tension.

“Let’s just smoke this and smile, okay,” I reeled back and put my hair in the water. “Who cares about that stuff anyway. You might never see her again. I heard she was switching schools.”

“Naked pictures all over the halls would do that!” Marissa had another evil look in her eyes, but it was soon covered with Matthew’s hair as he pushed his face into hers. Tom, Trent and I waited for the love fest to end.

“I need a fucking cigarette,” Trent complained.

“I could use a beer,” Tom chimed in.

“I’m pretty cold, I think I’m going back to the shore. Just…wait a bit…” I was sheepishly making my way to the beach, covering myself with my small hands. I gathered my clothes and slipped them on quickly, getting them soaked in the process. Tom and Trent followed suit shortly after, but Marissa and Matthew stayed in the water. I could see them clinging to one another like desperate animals. We got in the truck and turned on Black Sabbath. Tom rocked his head up and down and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, handing one to each of us.

“It’s only 10:30,” Trent said turning up the volume. His favourite song, ‘Sweet Leaf’ flowed out of the speakers as we lit up and relaxed. “I mean, I guess we could hit up that party.”

“I’m soaked,” I whined.

“Come on Al, don’t be a cry baby. Who cares?”

I looked at Trent, hair sopping and mascara probably running down my face.

“Well, let me clean up a bit at least. We’re not all natural beauties like you, Trent!” I grabbed my purse where I kept some spare powder and gloss, I flipped down the mirror and checked my reflection carefully, I pushed my hair up in a bun and ran some stain over my lips. I wondered why it mattered, who was I trying to impress anyway? A room full of strangers, potential enemies or my new best friend?

“You clean up nice,” Tom piped in from the back. He was lost in his own world by this time of night usually. I smiled at his tenderness and reached for a Colt 45. I cracked it open, took and swig and handed it off to Trent who followed my lead.

“I guess we could go,” I shrugged.

“Not before I toss some of these eggs at innocent bystanders!” Tom squealed and his eyes became smaller as his grin grew wider.

“Dude, I’m so over that,” Trent took another swig, passing it back to me. It shook in my hand and I also gulped back the liquid, easily and without complaints. “Let’s get those love birds out of the water, I wanna check out this party before it gets busted.”

“Who is it?” I ask.

“I don’t even know. But that Josh kid said it should be killer. Like, breaking shit because she hates her parents.”

“That sounds…awful,” I said.

“This chick sounds crazy,” Tom replied casually, obviously hinting that chucking a few eggs would be a much better option.

“Ok, we’ll go,” I finally settled on the plans, after all, I was driving…despite the fact that I was seriously messed up.

Trent put his arm around me and grabbed the big can from my hand. He nuzzled my shoulder and I could feel the warm glow inside of him.

I felt like something was off with Trent, and he made me feel strange at times. I just remember waking up one morning and I was naked. I had blacked out, and he was upstairs making pancakes at Sarah’s house. Her parents were at church. This moment drifted through me for the millionth time, but I just smiled and put my hands firmly on the wheel.

Matthew and Marissa came running back, smiling and glowing that unfamiliar way that I still could not understand. I already knew this would lead to yet another trip to the pharmacist Monday morning. Plan B was Marissa’s birth control when she let things get out of hand. I started the engine and looked behind me, past the smoldering hearts and burning ashes that fell from all of our cigarettes.

“What’s the plan?” Marissa asked, clearly out of breath.

“Party central, of course,” Tom sounded disappointed, but Trent was bouncing in his seat and Matthew shook his head with delight as he grabbed a beer from Marissa’s bag. His huge legs took up most of the back seat and even though the truck was a bouncy ride, they kept everyone locked firmly in place.

We sped down Lakeshore in search of the house party. I swerved and everyone sighed with delight, beer splashing over and staining the seats for the hundredth weekend in a row it seemed. Trent moved closer to me and put his hand on the wheel next to mine. I elbowed him softly and whispered, “don’t,” but he crept closer and put his face in my neck. My foot hit the gas a little heavier and I swerved harshly to the right, knocking him against the window pane. He rolled down the glass steadily and stuck his head out into the wind, screaming and laughing and yelling to the whole world, “let’s get out of fucking control!”

I was going 120 and Tom was looking nervous in the rear view so I slowed to a steady 90. I lit a cigarette with my free hand and rolled my window down a crack. The road became curvier as we got closer to the destination. Trent opened another beer and I eyed it with disdain. The road wasn’t quite blurry yet but I thought I might need to drink some water before driving us home.

I finally pulled into a long driveway filled with cars and teenagers. Some were smoking, some were drinking, some were making out. There were some girls crying by the garage door and another one on top of a red corvette gyrating her hips and seductively lifting her shirt to reveal a belly button ring and a rib cage. We sat in the truck for a few minutes, silently drinking our alcohol and smoking cigarettes. Mentally preparing ourselves for something that we go through every single weekend. At times I was craving a good book and a cup of tea, but what kind of 16 year old does that? I crushed a beer can in my hand and tossed it out the window onto the cement driveway, feeling refreshed and energized. We opened the doors of the truck and let our feet hit the ground, slamming doors behind us and stumbling into a crowd of unknown faces but familiar smells and sounds.

Trent fell behind me, lost in the sea of girls before him. But soon enough his hand was clutching my arm and I tugged away, forgetting that he wanted something from me at the end of each day.

I looked up, blank stares, cold wind. It felt good on my bare, clean legs. Marissa and Matthew were already on the hunt for a bedroom so they could partake in some unknown and so-called pleasurable sex acts. She told me she liked doing it most of the time, but she needed to be at least a little fucked up. Just a little high. At one time, I had cringed at the thought, not realizing my own virginity had already been stolen without even asking or apologizing.

This was not virgin territory. There were naked guys and girls in the pool in the back. Someone had ripped open the locked shed with garden shears and there were lawn chairs strewn across the grass, alongside water wings and pool noodles and broken glass. The windows that led us through to the kitchen were smashed. The chandelier had been brought to the ground. Photos that remained on walls were crooked, the rest crumpled beneath hundreds of high heels and sneakers. I saw water leaking through the ceiling above the couch in the living room. Everyone ran out as the toilet came crashing through, claiming it’s very own watery grave between the television and the fireplace.

We drank a few beers and stared in disbelief. Turns out the hostess had already gone to bed, too fucked up on pills and tequila to oversee the debauchery and the sin and the madness.

“This…is…fucking…nuts!!!” Trent cheered as he ripped a painting off the wall, smashing it and giggling uncontrollably. Completely reckless and violent and wicked.

“Everyone out of the pool!” A guy in a backwards cap and blue boxers yelled. He and two others hoisted the flat screen into the air above their heads, running clumsily toward the pool, launching it into the water and watching it sink to the bottom. My mouth was dry and I gasped a little when I realized the whole house seemed to be collapsing. I felt like I was sinking but no one seemed to mind or care. Or even fucking notice. My eyes weren’t focusing but I could feel everything around me.

“Yo, I’m not down with this, Al. Can we get out of here?” I felt Tom touch my shoulder and he was sliding himself back into a shell that we all seem to make fun of. At this moment I wanted to join him.

“Yeah, we have to find everyone though,” I said looking around the mass of people. Tom grabbed my hand and looked at me, his eyes sad and his mouth hopeful. “Where the fuck…”

“Marissa and Matthew have to be upstairs…fuck man, tossing eggs around would have been better,” he was laughing but it wasn’t sincere.

We found Trent writhing around on the stairs with a drunk girl, he had his hand up her skirt and she was giggling hysterically. He looked up and saw me making my way over to them, attempting to climb the stairs. “Hey you,” he slurred, grabbing my bare ankle and pulling me down towards them. “This is Lisa, Lisa, this is Alex,” his eyes were shiny and his breath stank of cigarettes. That scent made me shudder for some reason, but I pushed it aside, smiled as sweetly as I could and announced, “Trent, we’re leaving.”
“You fucking suck,” he hissed. His appeal was not there at this moment in time and I felt his fingers on me, tickling me gently. And I suddenly recognized that look on his face, one of anguish and resentment. My best friend in the whole world, looking like he wants to tear my head off, but not before attempting to sleep with me. Or fuck me, I guess that’s the proper way to put it in these circumstances.

I grabbed his hair in my hand and pulled his face towards mine. I was fuming and breathing heavily, unsure if it was out of passion or fear. My eyes stared into his and Lisa had slipped away to find her next partner.

“Don’t say that shit to me,” I spat at him. “Don’t think it’s buried, Trent. It’s not fucking buried, even though I dig ever so desperately, day after day. It’s not gone. I will destroy you if I have to.”

His anguish turned to sadness, sorrow, pain. He couldn’t even speak.
“Can we just find Marissa and Matthew and get the hell out of here, please? The police have got to be on their way by now.” Tom was waving his arms,looking jittery and nervous. He wasn’t even high anymore, just stressed out. I think that was a special moment for us, because I saw his innocence spring up and out of him. My own innocence was gone forever, but I think I was okay with that, this being the last night I would ever see the stars or the moon or the sky.

We gathered ourselves and made our way through the lounging teenagers sprawled across the carpeted hallway. Marissa and Matthew were having fierce and hungry sex behind the master bedroom’s doorway. We opened it gently to find them in a position I never even dreamed of, let alone knew existed. Marissa’s tits were out in full force and her blonde hair was all over the place, covering her eyes and what seemed to be soft tears forming inside of them. I covered my eyes and threw their clothes at them, but too many pieces were scattered on the floor.

“We gotta go,” I yelled, but the music was more powerful than my soft voice. They looked confused, bewildered, like shaken deer in the middle of the road, waiting to be struck by oncoming traffic. “Well?” I stared in disbelief, but Marissa was falling over, shoving her own face in the pillow and jerking about as Matthew put on his clothes in a hurry. He pulled her up and she screamed, “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!” Matthew leapt back, hands up as if she had pointed a pistol in his direction. “Babe…” was all he could mutter but she ignored him, grabbing her clothes, throwing on just her satin panties and storming out of the room. The big bed had white sheets twisted about, telling stories of what kinds of love it had seen this evening. It wasn’t beautiful or special or significant. It was stupid and lonely and easy to forget.

Marissa was exposed to a crowd that hardly took note of her naked breasts or her tear stained cheeks. I ran after her with Trent, Tom and Matthew behind me. They didn’t say anything as we made it out the front door and piled into the truck. Red lights were flashing somewhere beyond trees and smoke and so many fucking teenagers. I forgot where I was and held my breath when I started the car. I put my hands on my cheeks, flushed and sore. No words came from anyone, until Trent broke the unbearable silence.
“Let’s get the fuck outta here!”

I smiled for the last time and hit the gas. We finally started to relax and ease back into the moment once the tires reached the road. We left it all behind us in that house, but the noise was still there in my head, ringing and ringing. Reminding me. Trent didn’t slide closer to me like he normally does. Matthew and Marissa were no longer holding hands, but no one knew why.

Trent grabbed a beer from between the seats. “That was something else, man,” he looked back at Tom who was halfway through rolling a joint. His hands were shaking slightly and he didn’t respond.

I had no words left. I just sped down the road and had this sad feeling washing over me. Trent was clearly upset with my outburst, but he finally gave in to temptation and let his body wander, pressing himself on my thigh, teasing me and blowing his hot breath on my neck.

“Faster,” he whispered in my ear, and I could hear The Dodos playing in the background. “Can’t you go faster?” He asked, his fingers inching their way to the steering wheel. “Just let me drive, you’ve had too much…”

I shook my head, no, and looked straight ahead. That’s when he jumped over to me, almost landing in my lap. I screeched and kicked and my foot hit the gas harder. Marissa screamed and Matthew grabbed her, hiding her in his arms. Tom was yelling incoherent words, and all I saw was light. Trent pushed my foot harder onto the gas, laughing and laughing and laughing. We swerved and everyone was crying. Everyone but Trent, whose terrible eyes were the last thing I saw. I let my body go limp and I felt the pressure once again, when the wheels spun faster and the metal was crushed into a new shape, all of us within the machine, becoming a part of it. And from that moment on we never had a chance to prove that we were more than just teenagers.