How Teaching Helped Me Find My Identity

Hours ticked by as I anxiously laid awake in my bed, tossing and turning. I couldn’t silence the questions and thoughts screaming at me in my mind. My heart was racing, my adrenalin high with no apparent reason.

“You’re not good enough!”

“The children will hate you!”

“You can’t meet everyone’s expectations!”

“You are set up for disappointment and disaster!”

“You’re a failure before you’ve even started!”

There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from the torturous arrows piercing my heart and mind…

TWO YEARS EARLIER…

The first domino of my teaching career fell the moment I received a random text from someone whom I had not seen or talked to in over five years. Someone whom I never thought I’d ever see again. Yet, there I was, sitting in front of our family’s desktop computer, staring at this message:

“Hi Maya! How is everything going? So, our accordion band is about to start a season of performances and we are in dire need of more accordion players. Would you be interested?”

I was so bewildered and puzzled and didn’t know how to respond. Why on earth was Patricia contacting me? We hadn’t seen each other in several years. Also, why on earth was she asking me to join her accordion band? I hadn’t touched or even thought of an accordion since I had last seen her. Surely there was over a few dozen people she could have asked who were far more qualified.

Out of fear and confusion I turned down the offer. My parents would probably object to the idea. Plus, I was still in high school and was super busy with homework and other responsibilities.

About fifty excuses later, I was satisfied with my decision and went on with my day, most likely doing homework or chores or arguing with one of my five siblings.

However, at some point that day the message came up in a conversation with my parents. To my amazement they were completely supportive of the idea and encouraged me to message Patricia back and accept the opportunity if I still could.

Thrilled, I messaged Patricia back and about a week later I was rehearsing with the rest of the band, not fully knowing what I had just gotten myself into.

Fast forward about four months later, I had just turned eighteen and the band season was coming to a close. By that time, I had formed several relationships with the band members and was heartbroken to leave until the next season. There was something about Patricia that I couldn’t quite grasp, but the need to get to know her more and be around her was fierce, like a magnet.

Shortly after the band season closed, I felt a need to look for a job. My family wasn’t doing well financially. In fact, we were technically homeless, living in someone else’s house. I wanted to make some income so that I could provide some minor things on my own. I posted on Facebook that I was looking for jobs like babysitting and house cleaning and didn’t really get anywhere. Until… guess who I get a random phone call from next?

Patricia!

She told me she was looking for some extra help at her music studio and needed some help with office and admin work. If I was interested, I could come in and work for a few hours a week after school.

Oh yeah! How could I turn down such an amazing opportunity? This time, there were no doubts about it. I jumped on the offer and began my training about two weeks later and two weeks after that I was actively working my first official job.

It became clear early on that office work was right up my alley, using my logical and organizational parts of my brain that I thrived on.

I soon graduated from high school and I continued as an active staff member, committed to the Academy.

However, my story doesn’t end there… No, not even close!

That summer, Patricia asked me if I would be interested in being trained to teach their beginner piano curriculum and become one of their piano teachers at the Academy. Before that moment, I had never even thought that teaching piano was even an option without first getting a college education for it. I had always enjoyed helping children with schooling and had thoughts of going to college to be an Early Education teacher.

The possibility that I could teach without first getting a college education thrilled me. Of course, I agreed and before I knew it, I was teaching my first handful of students.

It took a bit for my confidence to build, but once I let ‘Teacher Maya’ out, I had so much fun and so were my students.

Once again, my story doesn’t end there either. In fact, we were just getting started…

As I was developing my teaching passion, I began thinking of other ways I could implement my other passions into teaching. I loved young children such as babies and toddlers. I also had a passion for mothers and wanted to find a way to use music to not only teach young children the power and beauty of music, but use it to help mothers learn how to connect with their child as well as with other mother’s in similar situations as themselves.

I brought the idea of starting an Early Music Education class a couple times to Patricia, but nothing really went beyond a conversation for a while. Finally, I got word that my co-worker and I would be going through training in a particular curriculum for teaching music to babies, toddlers, and young children. The original plan was that my co-worker would go through the initial training and then train me. However, under certain circumstances, it became necessary for me to take her role.

At first, taking the role had felt like a necessity. However, as I made my way through the training, something deep inside of me bloomed. It was something that I had been told was inside me, but I never believed was there. Leadership, or more importantly, ownership.

Consequently, I became so passionate about teaching these music classes that it became an obsession. I was determined that I was going to teach these classes and I was going to have a blast!

However, I began to see potential flaws in the logistics of how I would teach certain activities. While some seemed attainable, other made me question if I could really teach it effectively.

I found myself falling into a pit of despair, fear, and doubt that I could ever succeed. I felt unworthy on so many levels. It affected my sleep, my life, and any dream connected to teaching.

I eventually felt so overwhelmed that I broke down in front of Patricia and expressed to her why I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t brave. I didn’t have what it took. I would just end up being a disappointment to everyone. I couldn’t represent her Academy the way it should be represented…

I will never forget the words she told me at some point throughout all this chaos going on in my head. She said something along the lines of,

“Maya, you are stronger than you think. You can do this! I believe in you! Now you must believe in you…”

So, I did it. I believed that I could do it. I replayed and replayed in my head just how the first lesson was going to go. I thought out as many details and scenarios as I could possibly think of.

As soon as I started my first class, I completely forgot about my nerves and crippling doubts. I completely forgot about all the things that could go wrong — how I could go wrong. Instead, I began to take pride and joy as I saw the wide smiles and heard the laughter of both mother and child.

I felt so alive teaching that class! It was who I was! It was like I didn’t have to try hard at all to be anyone other than myself! It was a wonderful feeling that I continue to feel when teaching that class.

Since that first day, I have become far more confident. I have let myself take ownership of the classes, not afraid to implement my ideas. If something doesn’t go quite right, I either find a way to fix it or eliminate it completely. My sole focus is to make the children and parents as happy and content as possible.

I realized it’s about me serving them, not the other way around. I don’t want parents and students to come to music class to hear me, see me, or for me. I want to go to class for them, to serve them and be there for them.

My greatest accomplishment is when the spotlight illuminates them, making them the hero in their story, while I sit back in the sidelines and rejoice in the beautiful moment I helped create.