Identities

DISCLAIMER: I am writing this from my own experience as a cisgender, demisexual, upper middle class, white female and I understand that this post does not cover perspectives of all those marginalized. I am aware of my privilege, but I still feel that I have valuable thoughts to share. I welcome criticism and more opinions to increase the discussion of this topic.

Identity is a person’s perception of themselves and how they choose to label it. In today’s society, identity spectrums are broadening in all areas: sexuality, gender, etc. The thing is, despite growing awareness of what each identity means, there are still so many boundaries preventing acceptance for each community. Why is that? I think it’s because people — myself included — forget that identity is completely self-made.

Identity is forged over years, experiences, research, and self-acceptance. Everyone goes at a different pace and believes different things. Some people never come to define fully how they see themselves, and that’s okay. It doesn’t matter how long someone spends deciding how they see themselves; no identity is less valid than another. If you have two people in a room, one may have discovered their identity after seven years of research whereas the other may have known it after seven months. BOTH IDENTITIES ARE EQUALLY VALID. However, we tend to be skeptical of the people who figure out their identity quickly or at a younger age. They are commonly asked if they are sure and told that they are too young to make these kinds of decisions about themselves. This is a huge issue because it takes a lot of confidence to accept one’s identity, and nothing hurts more than hearing about how the identity or person is simply invalid. So, how can we help fight this issue? I have thought of five easy steps when talking with someone about their identity to combat the natural instincts of skepticism and questioning.

1. Be supportive. This sounds a bit obvious, but the first mistake people make when being told something new is to question it immediately. Don’t let your first reaction be “Are you sure?” “What made you decide this?” “Aren’t you a little young to be thinking about these things?” “There’s so much more you have to experience.” “But you’ll probably change your mind.” I promise you, these questions floated through the mind of the person before they decided to open up to you. These questions will seem redundant, and, honestly, they don’t matter all that much. Even if they change their mind in a year or two years or ten, that was how they felt in that moment as a result of all the experiences and knowledge they carried with them. When you tell someone you’re hungry, they don’t reply with “You’ll change your mind later,” because it’s something you feel only on your own, so why should you reply that way to another genuine feeling?

2. Admit you don’t know what it means. With the help of the internet, we are learning things about ourselves that wouldn’t have been possible thirty years ago. We are able to look closer into the human mind and behaviors, and we are able to look closer into ourselves. However, the small downside is that with so many new communities arising, we’re not always going to comprehend or understand what each community stands for. Instead of dismissing it, just ask them what it means. It may feel awkward at first, but the situation will be so much better if you ask them to explain what their identity says about them. It will show them that you are interested in learning who they are, and I am sure it will make them feel more secure about telling you. Learning isn’t always easy, but things are improved by asking questions and listening when people teach us new things, rather than shutting down and pretending what we don’t know doesn’t exist.

3. Trust them and their experiences. This falls along with point number 1, but it’s crucial to remember this. Don’t try to put yourself in their shoes; you shouldn’t have to experience something firsthand to trust another person’s opinion. Even if you tried to put yourself in their shoes, you’re not going to know exactly how it made them feel. You don’t need to know the exact feelings and thoughts to accept someone and their choices. When we read history books, we (generally) trust the facts written on the page despite not fully understanding the emotions of people who lived hundreds of years ago. We shouldn’t treat people today any differently. If you want to know what it’s like to be a woman wearing a hijab in today’s society, the answer is not to put on a hijab and walk around for a day; the answer is to talk to women who wear them every day and experience life from that perspective. There’s no reason to appropriate someone’s experiences when the person with the most authority on the subject is the person themselves.

4. Stop trying to be telepathic. This is something we all do, and if you say you have never done this then you’re probably lying (or you’re just an extremely accepting person, so go you). Even though a good deal of us are not certified psychoanalysts, we still attempt to psychoanalyze those around us to understand what they were thinking when they made their decision. Here’s a hint: even if psychoanalyzing is your job, don’t do it when someone is vulnerable and sharing a very important part of themselves with you. They are looking to you for acceptance and support, and you analyzing their every word is not going to make them feel anything but alienated. You’re not a mind reader. No one knows what goes on in another person’s mind, so stop trying to guess it. You and the other person will feel so much more relaxed if you just accept their statement at face value because, in reality, there isn’t always a deeper level.

5. Remember that it’s not personal to you. This is one of the biggest conflicts faced when declaring your identity, and it happens most commonly between parents and other family members. Even if the identity the person chooses is not what you had imagined for them or how you’re used to seeing them, it does not pertain to how you feel. Their identity is their business, and as someone close to them, it is your responsibility to accept them and actively participate in the change. Part of being in relationships with people is knowing and loving who they are, which includes knowing and loving their identity. If they decided to come out with a new set of pronouns, take the time to remind yourself about the change. If they tell you they’re in love with someone you didn’t expect, welcome them and their significant other with open arms. If they tell you that they don’t have an interest in romance or physical intimacy, remind them and yourself that there is nothing wrong with the person and that they are not broken. Overall, just be courteous to their requests and love them unconditionally.

I will again state that this advice comes from my personal experiences and some things I have heard from my friends. I am lucky that when explaining my identity to my family and friends that it went smoothly for the most part — as I am heteroromantic and cisgender — , though I did experience some rough patches when confronted with people who did not believe demisexuality was real. No matter the case, I believe these points are helpful reminders, and they are what I use when others open themselves up to me. The only way to create an accepting society is to talk about why we have problems with acceptance, and this is just the start.