Feels like it’s past time for me to write. I just don’t know what to say, so I’ll start and if you can make sense of it, then great. If you can’t, I don’t blame you.

Right now I’m under-slept, overworked (my own fault) and over-privelleged. I’m ungrateful, though I have everything, full of fear, yet should be secure. I’m not sure why, but in two days I’ve morphed into the person I never wanted to be. The person that finds his identity in what he does.

My mouth you’ll hear talking of the greatness of God, and how I don’t need to do but just be. Yet if you would dig a little deeper into my skull you’d find a mind that’s constantly wanting to measure up to the others. Them who I think as having greater qualities than me. What can be done to this hard heart of mine? I’m not sure if even the finest oils and wine could sit around it long enough to soften it up.

I’m restless. I cannot read anymore. I have hardly been able to finish any book I’ve started to read for months now. In the mornings, there are still moments in the day when I feel a closeness to my savior, yet quickly my thick head lopes back into thinking of riches and luxuries I might acquire in this life. Why Lord?

I desire yet I don’t have, for my asking is about me. I want for me. For my pleasure, for my enjoyment I ask. When in reality, all I truly need is Christ and His goodness, yet my mind won’t settle for asking for that. It is constantly drifting down the river of complacency. Towards the mass movement of living for my own best good. I’ve lost sight of my calling, for I made it about me. I started to believe I was called for me. The danger has killed my soul once again, I’m begging you Jesus revive me, free me from sin.

Living for me, is not for me. It is for the devil, that sick enemy. God I need you. You are the one that gives me true life, yet if I seek you trying to save my own skin, I’ll lose it again!! May I seek you, laying everything down.

Soften my heart God. Please make me new. I need you, I love you, make me to bloom.