The search of freedom, independence and security is unconsciously the goal of any human being. A freer state is the key toward freedom, independence come with maturity and bearing the weight of your actions as an adult, and security comes in with a routine that you slowly created over time. The goal of all of that is to achieve peace of mind and by extension, happiness.
As a kid, a few life goals that was proposed to me as a child was finishing my studies, get a job, have a wife, get some kids and live peacefully with my family as I get older, and eventually watching my little kids, and die happily with a smile on my face with my family beside me. That was the plan and more generally speaking, we can say that’s the plan that modern society planned for us.
But one thing to note in all of this in the equation is the “wife” part. In other words, getting married. The concept of getting married is basically formalizing your relationship to the state, and by extension also to confirm the fact that you are probably ready to have kids in a near future. On an emotional scale, marriage, marriage is a wonderful occasion to declare your love to the world through a wedding, it’s formalizing the last “step” of a “normal” relationship.
But on a strictly critical side, what’s the point of marriage anymore nowadays, on a modern society? That’s kind of where MGTOW begins.
Marriage, The “OVNI” Of Modern Society
To assure the sovereignty and sustainability of their family and business, marriage was the perfect middle ground for both party. It allowed to bound by blood each party, assuring the descendants and inheritors for both of them, growing the bound of the families, assuring a sustainable structure through valuable connections while tying them in a way that would render them unlikely to betray each other or to grow conflicts out of proportion within this newly made family. That was the best and simplest solution to assure the future of a family.
But right now, we live in a modern society, where marriage’s goal is no longer exclusively tied to business, but is now turned toward a healthy and loving relationship. And that’s where the contradiction begins.
The issue here is that marriage was created to resolve a political and/or economical issues between families and countries. Love wasn’t the purpose, it was at best a nice plus to have, but in a modern society where the aim of it is simply to assure and confirm a relationship, we can ask ourselves what’s the point of it then? Do you need a sheet of paper with your signatures in it to affirm your love? Do you need a very expensive ceremony (wedding) to prove the point your relationship?
It’s simple, the answer to all of that is traditions. Marriage is simply a tradition that was romanticized through stories to make it more noble, appealing and logical to be as the final step of a relationship. Marriage was a symbol in the past and is still is today, that symbol slightly changed but its core didn’t.
As Andrew Cherlin wrote in The New York Times,
“Marriage has become a status symbol — a highly regarded marker of a successful personal life. This transformed meaning is evident in… same-sex marriage cases… [They] reflect, in part, the assumption that marriage represents not only a bundle of rights but also a privileged position.”
It’s even more pointed out by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, 47 percent of American women who give birth in their 20s are unmarried at the time. And still, demographers project that at least 80 percent of Americans will marry at some point in their lives.
And economically speaking, a wedding is an expensive thing to make, according to The Knot’s 2019 Real Weddings Study, the average cost of a wedding is $33,900 and according to the American Wedding Study, commissioned by Brides magazine, 36 percent of couples paid the entire cost of their wedding receptions in 2012, up from 29 percent in 2009; and another 26 percent contributed to the cost. And finally, the national average cost of the end of a marriage, known as a divorce is about $15,000 per person, including attorney’s fees, court costs, and the cost of hiring outside experts such as a real estate appraiser, tax advisor, or child custody evaluator.
The subject is much more profound and complex than what it seems, but in all of that, where MGTOW fit in all of that?
A Response Toward Society’s Hypocrisy : The Birth Of MGTOW
The Birth of the MGTOW ideology is kind of difficult to trace, in a broader way, we could say that it existed for centuries, but if we go by its definition,
“MGTOW is an acronym for Men Going Their Own Way, an online social movement and backlash to feminism where men renounce interactions with women and seek to define and live out their masculinity on their own terms.”
It then appears as a movement created quite recently then, but more deep down, according to The Sunday Times, MGTOW’s origin in America lies in the Men’s Rights Movement, which branched off from the more pro-feminist men’s liberation movement in the late 1970s. But the term itself appeared in the early 2000s, by A blog called No Ma’am who was one of the first sites dedicated to the ideology, publishing a “MGTOW Manifesto” in 2001.
MGTOW’s goal is simple, live a life free of the bonds of a romantic relationship (towards women) to concentrate more on yourself, your goals and your dreams.
That’s the simplest definition right here, but if we dwell more into the “why” of it, then the answer is,
“[MGTOW] reject feminist theories on how patriarchy and male privilege oppress women…Instead, [The Ideology] point out that men die younger, commit suicide at four times the rate of women, attain lower grades at school and university (where men are now a minority), routinely come out the loser in divorce and family courts and, if they are granted access to their children, suffer cripplingly high maintenance payments as their punitive reward”
Hence, the ideology was born from the dissatisfaction on how modern society stripe men of their masculinity to make them more equal to women, creating of hate toward modern feminism and the blindness of society towards men’s suffering.
Marriage is the most popular example to showcase men’s mistreatment, as women tend in a divorce to get much more in the end than men. Don’t get me wrong, the law itself does not favor more a gender than other, but the majority of men’s testimonies tend to indicate the opposite, in such way that it came to be known in the general culture that in divorce, women gets everything when men loose their everything.
Hence, marriage create a seemingly unbreakable bound, and when broken, both party in theory should end in a loss. But that “unbreakable bound” is mostly felt by men, since they usually loose the most in the end.
“It’s harder to leave if everyone you know identifies you as being part of a married couple.”
Having that in mind, MGTOW’s ideology is born from the complaints countless of men due to the good and wrong decisions that society took in modern society …But this created in the same time, the degeneracy of mentalities, by choosing to close even deeper our eyes on what is obvious to focus on what is prettier.
But ironically, the movement has also its own contradictions.
The Book Of Contradiction, a Movement, a Philosophy, a Lifestyle, an Ideology
Feminism’s goal in the past was to enable women’s right by giving them the same rights that men had legally, and change the world’s prejudice and mentality that were cast upon them throughout history. The purpose was noble, simple and made sense in the society of the past, where social, economical and technological developments were blooming even more than ever.
In comparison, feminism’s goal today, in popular views, is to complain on non-existent problems on countries that needs it the less such as mansplanning and manspreading , but where in a lots of third lots countries(where technology and social constructs didn’t progress much),real feminism is much more needed than in first world countries. So why feminism doesn’t fight against real and observable problems such as the incredible rate of rape in India or Brazil? It’s simple, it actually does, but voices are the loudest for those who have the device to speak loudly, hence the image of feminism is represented by those who have the means and freedom to speak it, and not by those who really needs it. You’ll see much more waves in the sea rather than in a lac right? Same here, circumstances doesn’t allow for everyone to speak more loudly about their problems.
The image of the MGTOW community is basically following the same path. The philosophy’s belief is to put away women and romantic relationships to concentrate more on yourself, but similarly to modern feminism, it shows and denigrates women’s dishonest behaviors in the exact same way as modern and extreme feminism’s movements do for men.
It loose of it’s meaning by blaming the gender itself when in fact, the problem is reciprocate, and does not come from entirely from a gender, but rather the individuals itself. A few behaviors are indeed more observed for both genders, a lot of studies shows that women are for inclined to have a hypergamy relationship, and men to be polygamous, the rate of testosterone too that differentiate both gender. But these kinds of behaviors doesn’t demonstrate the general reality of both genders, as both sides haves their cons and pros that balance each other in terms of “who fucked up the most between me and you”.
The Answer For Happiness : MGTOW & Comprehension of Your Beliefs
I deeply believe as a man that MGTOW is an answer and key toward my own progression and happiness as an individual. But the ideology isn’t certainly appropriate for everyone. Happiness is an universal concept but has a very personal definition for everyone. Some find it in the comfort of others, wealth and love, hence practicing pure hedonism, and other find it in pursue of knowledge, truth and introspection, maybe in a more stoicism fashion.
The problematic concerning women, from MGTOW’s point of view isn’t proper to them, it’s proper to everyone. A woman being narcissist, manipulative and treacherous toward his companion isn’t a behavior that is exclusive to their gender, it’s universal. For any cons we can find in a woman, I can either find the exact same or equivalent one in a man. Women who commits atrocious acts don’t do it due to their gender, but due to their own personality.
If you have a relationship, and it finishes as a disaster due to their personality, whether it’s amicably or romantic, then the fault doesn’t only belong to one’s gender, but most probably to the shitty personality of the other party.
Modern feminism’s goal is to make society more uniform, which would logically bring humanity closer to equality, I think it’s wrong. We’re predisposed mentally to value everything with a different value, we will value more our family than a stranger, it’s a kind of strength and weakness that we are born with, that we need to regulate through education but that we never should be trying to completely eradicate.
Diversity is one of humanity’s greatest charm. Because the world is filled with it, we can appreciate to the full extent of each of its possibilities that the world offer us. We’re brimming with choices, and that is diversity that makes our life more exciting, that makes us help search for a greater goal, that encourage us to explore the unknown us appreciate its discoveries and that makes us curious about ourselves and the unknown.
In my journey in the MGTOW community, I’ve found people with very similar and different idea of its ideology, a man going their own way is and should be in my opinion, someone that should go forward his own development and goals, regardless of obstruct opinions and heavy relationships, someone that try to seek his own path while not being slowed down by relationships (whether it’s a toxic romantic relationship or a degrading friendship), to seek self improvement and peace of mind.
If through your life, women only brought you despair and deception, then back the fuck up from them, if your friends used you for their own benefits, fuck that shit and go your own way, and if your family doesn’t see you as a part of them, fine then go elsewhere, create what should be a family, or live without them with your own rules. That should be what MGTOW is about.
In the end, I support MGTOW as a philosophy, but reducing it as a mere anti-women movement would be doing the same thing opposite parties does : blaming everything on one’s gender and overlooking the reality of their and our circumstances.