How I Got Over A Breakup I Thought Would Destroy Me

Tess Brewer
Nov 2 · 17 min read

All break ups are hard, but have you ever had that ONE break up that completely blindsided you and felt like a demon sawed your chest open with a chainsaw & tore your fucking heart out of your rib cage? (sorry for the graphics, that’s the screenwriter in me) Yea. It sucks doesn’t it? If you are currently going through this type of break up…

1) I am so, so, SO sorry. It is the absolute worst feeling in the world and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone (even the people I can’t fucking stand).

2) I survived that “holy shit I just lost the one, this is the worst thing to ever happen to me, I’m a hopeless mess, I might as well die right now” break up you are going through. So, I hope that lifts your spirits up…even if it’s just a wee bit.

If I could get through it and come out the other side WAY better than I was before, you can too (and I was total fucking mess. Ask my friends, family, and therapist).

Here’s my little guide on how I survived a break up I thought would destroy me…

BLOCK/DELETE YOUR EX AND ANYONE INVOLVED WITH THEM OFF EVERYTHING.

Phone numbers, Instagrams, Facebooks, Snapchats, Venmos, emails (you get the point), but I cannot stress this enough. You do NOT want to see what they are doing because they are most likely going to post like you never existed and make themselves look so much fucking happier without you in their lives. This only makes the heartbreak and pain you’re going through way, way worse. In order to heal, you must go complete NO CONTACT (if you don’t know what this is, look it up).

Don’t talk, don’t look, don’t stalk, don’t ask, don’t reach out to your ex, or anyone involved with them. Even if they do come crawling back saying how much they miss you, love you, or with some sob story about their cat- DO NOT RESPOND. They made the decision to leave, so let them feel the pain of their decision without you in their lives (because they’re not going to feel the pain if you’re calling, texting, showing up at their work, or seeing your posts on social media). It’s going to be so hard at first, but trust me…ignorance is bliss. Goodbye and good fucking riddance.

FEEL EVERY OUNCE OF YOUR PAIN.

The more I tried to repress it, not feel it, or convince myself that I was okay or not hurting the HARDER everything would hit me. Don’t hold back. Hid under the covers and cry it all out. Scream at the top of your lungs in your car. Punch a pillow soaked in your tears. Form a heavy metal, death band. Do whatever you have to do to fully feel your feelings. Be accepting, compassionate, nonjudgmental, and understanding about them instead of running away from them. And please, please don’t beat yourself up for being sad. You have every right to feel this way because you’re grieving and because you’re human.

If you find you’re being a little hard on yourself, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and tell yourself this…

I’m feeling sad/depressed/hopeless/or whatever awful emotion you’re feeling that you don’t want to feel and that’s okay because it will pass “.

And what my therapist has to remind me every other session…

Your feelings are not facts. They come and go and don’t mean anything. Just because your feelings feel true, does not mean they are true”.

Accept that the relationship has ended and allow yourself to feel every bit of that pain and heartbreak. It’s okay to hurt like this. To be honest, if you weren’t heartbroken or in some amount of pain after the ending of a meaningful relationship then you either…
A) Didn’t really love that person
B) You’re in complete denial or C) You’re a sociopath.

DO NOT FUCK THE PAIN AWAY OR JUMP INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP.

Yea, I tried both. Backfired on me BIG TIME. I was convinced that if my ex can move on so quickly then I can too. But this mindset only made my heartbreak worse. Instead of dealing with the pain by myself (like a healthy person), I tried having someone else fill the void and relied on them to help me “get over my ex & heal me”. Not only is it not fair to the other person (especially if they have feelings for you), but it’s not fair to yourself.

Only YOU can heal YOU. The best way to get over someone is to get over them alone. If you jump into something else when you’re not ready and that doesn’t work out? Well guess what, you’re dealing with TWO heartbreaks instead of ONE.

QUIT BLAMING YOURSELF FOR THE ENDING OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

Seriously, quit it. You’re only adding more salt to the gaping wound that was once your heart. Even if you both had constant arguments, communication issues, fights, or couldn’t work through your shit in couples therapy, it wasn’t your fault. If your partner lied, manipulated, cheated, abused (sexually, emotionally, or physically) and left you feeling like a worthless piece of trash, it wasn’t your fault (side note: if you did these things to your partner, then it sounds like you have some shit to work through with a therapist).

LESSON #1: Do not tie your worth to someone who made the decision to lie, cheat, or leave you for someone else. If this has happened to you, please know that you dodged an atomic fucking bomb. You are worthy and so much better without that bullshit in your life. Their sick, twisted actions define who they are at the core, NOT who you are as a person.

Sometimes things don’t work out and two people aren’t meant to be together. That’s okay. It’s life. Yes, it hurts like a motherfucker, but you’ll get through it. Accept that it didn’t work out, learn from the mistakes you made so you don’t bring them into your next relationship, and trust that you’re going to be okay- even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

FIND A GOOD THERAPIST

I’ve been skeptical about therapy my whole life. I’ve seen two therapists that completely turned me off from the whole mental health field. I lived most of my quarter life convinced that I could solve my own problems” and I’m fine dealing with shit on my own. Boy, was I wrong. After my really shitty break up, one of my awesome coworkers recommended her therapist to me. I shrugged it off because I’ve had my heart broken and survived it before. So, how could this be any different?

Well, this heartbreak became different the second I found out my ex was not the person I thought he was. My heart broke (again) when I found out about all the lies and infidelity he engaged in while we were together.

Side note: My intuition was telling me he was being a shady piece of shit the entire time we were together…but I refused to listen.

LESSON #2: ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR GUT (and don’t be afraid to ask yourself or explore where it’s coming from and why).

It’s a feeling of pain I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I couldn’t talk, eat, sleep, drink, laugh, smile, or get out of bed. The only thing I could do was sob my brains out. I felt dead inside and I had no idea how to pick myself up. I finally caved and made the appointment. It was the best fucking thing I have ever done for myself.

I’ve been seeing my therapist once a week for a little over a year now, and I feel like a completely different person. I don’t think I would be in such a good mindset and place in my life if it wasn’t for her. If you already have a therapist that you connect with, keep going and don’t hold back any of your thoughts or feelings (no matter how destructive they are).

If you don’t have a therapist, ask your friends or family for a recommendation or do some research. If you don’t or feel like this therapist isn’t right for you, that’s okay. Keep looking. You have to treat finding a therapist like you treat dating. The first couple may not be right for you, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never find “the one”

FIND CLOSURE WITHIN YOURSELF

I’m going to be brutally honest here, you will not get closure from the person who broke you. Especially if they have narcissistic, sociopathic, or psychopathic tendencies/traits. If you’re like me and are obsessing over answers or closure every second of the day, you have to stop. Take a deep breath & accept that you will not get the apology or closure you want from them. Yes, it’s hard, but it’s better to accept this now rather than in three years when you find yourself STILL all fucked up because you never “got closure” and you’re using that as an excuse to hold onto your ex.

Even if you do get some sort of closure from them, who’s to say that they’re being honest with you. This is why it’s so important to find closure of the relationship within YOURSELF. Do not go looking for it in your ex or anyone that is associated with them. Their answers will only further hurt you. Use what you DON’T know to your advantage and create your own closure that will help you heal & move forward with your life.

MAKE AN EFFORT TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE EVERYDAY.

I get it. All you want to do is stay in bed, cry, and sleep for a decade, but this step is very important. Whether it’s grabbing the mail, walking your dog, going to work, signing up for a fitness class, going for a run, grabbing coffee with a friend, etc… LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. It doesn’t hurt to dedicate an hour to do something productive outside of your bedroom. You’ll probably feel a little better after getting some fresh air and pretending to be a functional human…and you can always go back to crying in your room when you’re done. Baby steps.

WORK OUT AND GET INTO THE BEST SHAPE OF YOUR LIFE

I’ve always been on the smaller side, but I still suffer from insecurities about my body. For me, break ups tend to bring out all of those negative feelings I have about myself. When I was heartbroken, I couldn’t exercise or eat without feeling sick to my stomach. Even drinking water was a struggle. I was (unknowingly) neglecting myself.

When I found out my ex was cheating on me, I went to the gynecologist to get tested for STD’s, HIV/AIDS, and syphilis (because knowing my luck my ex would give me a STD from the fucking 1800's). My gynecologist’s jaw hit the floor when she took my weight. I went from weighing 115 lbs in June (when I last saw her) to 91 lbs in September. I took a good look at myself in the mirror and my heart broke…again.

I was unrecognizable. My eyes and cheeks were sunken in, my skin was deathly pale, all of my bones were sticking out, and my clothes were sliding off my body because they were so baggy. I looked like a malnourished little boy whose parents never let him see the light of day. I started sobbing. I couldn’t believe how sick I looked…or how I didn’t even notice until JUST NOW (mainly because I avoided looking at myself in the mirror- that’s how depressed I was).

The next day, I told myself I needed to get my shit together. I started eating, drinking water, and did my research on nutrition. I picked up running again, took some yoga & kickboxing classes, bought weights to lift at home, and learned how to meditate. I did whatever I could to feel somewhat better. It was a major challenge (because I felt so hopeless about myself and the future), but looking back I do have to say everyday got a little easier.

Fast forward one year later, not only did I gain the weight I lost back, but I am in the best shape and mindset of my life. I feel so beautiful, confident, strong, and powerful. For the first time, I can look at myself in the mirror and feel so much love for my body. Ass, tits, stomach, cellulite, stretch marks, scars, birthmarks, you name it- I fucking love it. This is a feeling you will never forget once you own it, and I never thought in a million years I would have this much love and acceptance for myself. But I want you to know, this mindset doesn’t happen overnight (it took about a year of hard, inner work to get here) but I promise, no matter what you look or feel like, you can do it.

Oh yea, and my STD results came back negative for everything- including syphilis (phew).

RECONNECT WITH GOOD PEOPLE

It’s common to lose touch with the good people in our lives when we’re in relationships (especially the toxic ones), but your support system is essential during a break up. My break up showed me that I have the most supportive and best friends I could ask for. I feel extremely lucky to have these people in my life, and I bet you have these type of people in your life too. Make the effort to call, text, or see them. Ask how they’re doing and what they’ve been up to. If it’s been a long a period of time without contact, hold back on word vomiting every detail about your break up. Show them you’re interested in their life and you’re not just reconnecting to use them as a free therapist. Respect other people’s boundaries the way you want yours respected.

But keep in mind, this doesn’t mean reconnecting with toxic people from your past who have hurt or fucked you over. You don’t need that shit in your life right now. Only surround yourself with people who lift you up, have good intentions, values, and support you no matter what. Make an effort to surround yourself with the best energy possible.

TREAT YOURSELF.

I MEAN IT!! Even if you feel like that giant pile of garbage floating around the Pacific Ocean, you deserve to put yourself first (and break ups are the best opportunity to get in the habit of treating yourself!). If you’re thinking, “But I don’t have money to treat myself…”, then good news because treating yourself doesn’t mean spending loads of money on glamorous experiences. It can be small and simple. Here’s what I like to do…

Take bubble baths with lavender oil. Light incense or candles. Meditate. Use a new body scrub and lotion. Listen to my favorite podcasts. Read a self help book. Put on a face mask. Have a long cathartic cry in the shower (yes, I consider this ‘treating yourself’. Crying out all of your bottled up emotions is fucking amazing). Have one glass of wine after a long day. Go on a scenic walk or hike. Go to therapy. Watch the sunset on the beach. Check out a new coffee or book store. Call a friend. Redecorate or repaint my room. Take a drive blasting my favorite music with all of the windows down. Bake cookies. Cook Mac and Cheese (from scratch!). Try out a new activity. Listen to my vinyls with a joint (if you’re into that, if not totally fine). Snuggle with my cats. Do my nails or get them done. Read my favorite blogs. Do my make up. Take myself out to dinner. Get a haircut & color. Have a movie night with my best friend and junk food. Get a cheap massage. Wear those pair of shoes or clothes that make me feel confident as fuck. Get a facial. Save up for a trip I’ve always wanted to go on…or even better TAKE that trip I’ve always wanted to go on (if I can afford it). Go to a concert or music festival. Sign up for a class or audio course I’ve always wanted to take. Try a new fitness routine. Eat a Sprinkles cupcake, and of course… write, write, write, write.

Everyone treats themselves differently. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. If you’re clueless, start by doing things that make you feel joyful, or excited about yourself. As long as you’re honoring how you feel and giving yourself what you need (to help make life not feel so shitty), you’re doing it right. Stop punishing yourself. You deserve to feel good after all the shit you’ve been through. Don’t forget that.

CREATE NEW MEMORIES IN NEW PLACES.

I avoided all the places my ex and I went to like the fucking plague. And you should too. Do yourself a favor and do not go back to all of the places that are connected to your ex. You’re only torturing yourself. You don’t have to neglect those places forever, but give yourself some time before you decide to go down memory lane. Explore another city. Go to new restaurants, bars, events, gyms, clubs, concerts, dog parks, cafes, etc. Seek out a different taste of music you’ve never heard of. Explore a new happy hour joint with your friends. Apply for a new job if the one you’re in is making you fucking miserable because you work twenty feet away from your ex. The point is to take your power back by making new memories in new places.

Also, get rid of everything that reminds you of your ex or the relationship (photos, clothes, gifts, cards, stuffed animals, jewelry, etc.). Whether you decide to throw them away or put them in storage, do not have them anywhere around you. You can’t heal when you have constant reminders of their presence in every room. Throw that shit out, have a friend hold onto it, or put it in a box and bury it in your local cemetery until you’re ready to deal with it (actually, don’t do that. It’s probably illegal…but you get the point).

JOURNAL.

I know, I know, I know. I used to hate journaling too (ironic since I’m a writer, right?). Everyone and their mother would tell me…

You should journal. Journaling will help make you feel better. Have you tried journaling? I heard journaling works. My therapist said journaling is therapeutic. Oh my god, journaling is like UH-MAZING. Journal this, journal that, journal, journal, journal, blah, blah, blah”

…and I’d roll my eyes. A couple weeks after my break up, my friend bought me a journal because she knew how much I was hurting. She wrote a little note inside about how much journaling helped her through her heartbreak. I gave it a try later that night. I ended up filling the entire fucking thing in two months. I thought it was total bullshit, but journaling channeled something inside of me and opened doors I didn’t know existed. It helped me discover who I am, why I do and say certain things, and start to change my behavior for the better.

If I didn’t start journaling, I would have never discovered this badass side of me I’ve kept in hiding for so long. Now, I journal like a fucking mad man. If I’m happy, sad, angry, jealous, insecure, joyful, hopeless, excited, having a panic attack, or writer’s block- I journal. It can be hard if it’s foreign to you, but once you get the hang of it, you won’t want to stop. The great thing about journaling, is you can write whatever you want.

You can write down what you’re feeling (the good, the bad, and the ugly), about how your day went, who is currently pissing you off, what you’re thankful for, how awful the sex the other night was (or how good it was if you got lucky!), what you need to let go of, what you wish you can say to your ex/parent/friend/etc. but don’t have the courage to, how much you want to fucking murder your noisy next door neighbor (but you’re not going to which is why you’re journaling about it), or even about how you wish you weren’t journaling right now… THE POINT IS YOU CAN WRITE WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT! And no one will judge you or your words. Journaling is a safe space. For everyone.

: Here’s another fun thing I like to do. When I’m really pissed off about a person or situation, I’ll write a really long, honest letter to them or about what happened. I let loose and don’t hold anything back (no matter how nasty). When I’m done, I tear out the pages and burn them (in a safe area, of course). There’s something really therapeutic about writing down and burning all the negative shit that’s bottled up inside of you. You should try it.

DO NOT LET THIS BREAK UP OR HEARTBREAK DEFINE YOU.

You are a fucking KING/QUEEN/GOD/GODDESS and if your ex couldn’t see that then THEY DO NOT DESERVE YOU. If you put in the work, effort, and all the love you have to offer into yourself and not allow their hurtful actions, words, or decision to end the relationship define you, then you’re going to come back on top better than ever before. It’s okay to still feel something for them or miss them from time to time, but just don’t look at them as your only source of love, happiness, or self worth. As cliche as this sounds, it does take time and inner work to pick yourself up (it took about six months for me to feel like a functional human again). Take as much time as you need here, heartbreak is not easy. If it was, therapists would be out of work.

Getting over a break up isn’t about getting over that person. Getting over a break up is about finding yourself. It’s about finding the courage to be the person you’ve always wanted to be, and taking action for what you want to do without giving a fuck about what other people think. It’s about learning from your mistakes, so you can become your best self for the person that deserves you (yes, I said deserves you because you deserve to be loved in a healthy relationship where your voice, wants, needs, and boundaries are heard & respected). It’s about learning how to love yourself unconditionally so you will never allow another person’s words, actions, or the ending of a relationship define you.

TAKE YOUR FUCKING TIME TO HEAL.

This is the most important & crucial step. Healing is not linear, it’s full of peaks and valleys. One day you’re having a “Beyoncé Day” (good day). The next, you’re drying heaving, sobbing uncontrollably, and begging for someone to give you a lobotomy. That’s normal. This is what healing looks like. When you’re having doubts, keep reminding yourself that your emotions and feelings are okay, expected, and do not define you. Especially when you feel hopeless and the pain will never end. Just because the emotions today suck, doesn’t mean the emotions tomorrow will.

Oh, and don’t be hard on yourself if it’s taking a lot longer than you expected. Everyone’s timeline and healing is different. This is going to be a really shitty journey, but it’s not the final destination. You’re going to come out of this feeling so fucking awesome because you’ve finally become the person you have always wanted to be.

FINAL THOUGHTS.

I still have moments where I feel sad, angry, or betrayed about what happened, but I don’t allow those moments to define me or take over my day. Instead, I feel them for what they are, acknowledge that they are there, and deal with them accordingly.

I do not hate my ex. Even though what he did almost destroyed me, I’m secure enough to know his shitty actions will never define my worth or who I am as a person.

LESSON #4: What other people say and do to you says more about THEM & who THEY are than it does about YOU & who YOU are. No matter how personal it feels.

There will always be a part of me that will cherish the good memories and I’m okay with that. What’s important is that I know I don’t want or need him in my life to be happy. I’ve found the happiness and love within myself that he was not capable of giving to me (and I so desperately craved it while we were together). I’m thankful to have come to a place where I am indifferent towards him & wish him the best with whatever he decides to do with his life.

LESSON #5: These feelings of indifference will take a lot of fucking time. Don’t rush or force it if you’re not feeling it. You have every right to hate your ex if you hate them right now, but have faith that you won’t hate them forever…that is if you are doing the inner work.

A year ago, I was a lost, hopeless soul. I thought I would never be happy, feel whole, or fall in love again. But with time, a lot of tears, inner work, an awesome therapist, support from my friends & family, and doing my best every damn day to get up & make a fucking life for myself, I finally started to feel amazing and excited about the future.

Remember, you’re not alone. You’re going to be okay. Take all the time you need to grieve and find yourself. If you’re feeling extra down or lost, please message me. I’ll do my best to try and bring you out of the dumps ❤.


Originally published at https://meowmastehere.com on November 2, 2019.

Tess Brewer

Written by

coffee, cats, & writing. Also trying to get the hang of this whole blog thing. www.meowmastehere.com Personal IG: @tessbrewerr Blog IG: @meowmastehere

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