This Is The Scariest Fucking Thing I Have Ever Done.

Tess Brewer
Nov 2 · 5 min read

I’ve always wanted to start a blog, but I’ve been too chicken shit to do it. To be completely honest, this is probably my 13th try, and it usually goes something like this…

Someone breaks my heart. I have no idea what the fuck to do with that awful feeling, so I Google and YouTube how to start a blog. I read and watch all that shit to death. I finally create my own blog site. I design the fuck out of it. I outline every article I want to write, so I feel like I have some sort of direction of where I want to take this. I write my posts (usually about the idiot who broke my heart and how I’m just so much better off without him blah, blah, blah). Once I’m finished, I hover my mouse over PUBLISH…but instead… I hit DELETE. I delete all the pages I wrote. I shred my list of articles and topics I want to write about. I delete the blog site I spent weeks picking backgrounds, fonts, and fucking colors on and make sure NO ONE can find it. I even delete my browser history because I don’t want to be reminded about how I almost started a blog…but failed. Then I go back to doing whatever I was doing before (most likely crying about my ex while listening to depressing music) and don’t speak a word about it to anyone.

Why Do I Chicken Out? Lots of reasons, but mainly because of that cunty voice we all have in our heads…

“I’m a nobody. Everything’s already been done before. I have nothing new to say. There’s no point.”

What do I even write about? Who would even care to read this? What if I fail? Should I give advice? Wait, I don’t even take my own advice!!!”

“What will people think? Will they make fun of me? Use what I’ve been through against me? Troll me? Judge me? Hate me?”

“What if my ex’s find out about my blog? Or even worse…WHAT IF THEY READ IT!?! (gasp)”

“What the fuck were you thinking. You can’t write a blog. No one cares. Quit now while you can…”

DELETE.

And I’m, unfortunately, always giving into that voice. But it’s different this time. I’m done listening to that voice that tells me I can’t do something I really want to do. I’m done letting that limited belief control me and prevent me from living to my full potential. And I’m done being afraid of what other people will think because fuck what other people think. Fuck whoever judges you, puts you down, makes you feel worthless, and tells you you aren’t good enough or will never succeed. They clearly don’t give a fuck about you, so why should you give a fuck about them? There. Rant over. Now…

How Is This Different? Well for starters, I’m not heartbroken (woo hoo!). In the past, I’ve only wanted to start a blog when I’m heartbroken. Our mindsets tend to be a little skewed when our hearts are shattered. Maybe that’s why I’ve given up so many times…but not this time! This time, I’m in such an awesome place in my life, but that’s only because of all the shit I’ve been through that’s forced me to grow as a person. Yes, I still have sad days, insecurities, doubts, core wounds, etc. that beg me to reconsider everything I’m doing…but I don’t let them control or take over my life like I used to. I’m creating this with hopes that whoever reads my posts will either relate, get a laugh out of it, learn something, or even better- won’t make the same mistakes I did.

Why Do I Want to Start a Blog? It’s not because I want attention, to be famous, or gain a huge social media following. It’s not because I think I’m the best thing since sliced bread and everyone would benefit from hearing about my “perfect” life (spoiler alert: no one’s life is perfect). It’s not because I want to take cute Instagram photos of myself fake laughing, pretending to eat hipster food, and review it like I’m Gordon fucking Ramsey hat image just made me nauseous). It’s also not because I’ve been through a couple of heartbreaks and have now declared myself a life, love, and relationship expert and feel a need to shove life advice down everyone and their mother’s throat…but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to get a book deal out of this (*cough cough* HarperCollins *cough cough*).

It’s because I fucking love to write.

I am always writing. Whether it’s in my journal, for my boss, in my screenplays, in therapy, in the books I’m reading, on my throwawayReddit account, or on a beer stained napkin at a dive bar- Iam always writing. It’s the only thing that drives me. That brings pure bliss into my what the fuck am I doing life.

It’s also because I believe writing saves lives.

When I’m depressed, I read until my brain feels like mush. I hunt for any sort of material that will bring me solace. If it weren’t for a select few who had the courage to share their story, I would have never been able to pull myself out of a dark depression I thought would destroy me. To John Kim (The Angry Therapist & my awesome boss), Mark Manson (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck), Natasha Adamo (Post Male Syndrome), Mark Groves (The Mark Groves Podcast), Rachel Hollis (Girl, Stop Apologizing), and my amazing, goddess of a therapist (who I won’t name for privacy reasons)- I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for motivating me to grow, heal, and start this journey. You have no idea how much you mean to me.

Alright, let’s cut to the chase…

Who Am I? A 25 year old LA native who writes for a living, is not an Instagram influencer or model, loves to read & listen to podcasts, is obsessed with cats & sharks, has a really dark sense of humor, collects vinyls like an annoying hipster, looks forward to therapy sessions every Thursday, calls good days Beyoncé Days, and does her damn best to learn from her mistakes and the shit life throws at her (well, everyone) in order to grow into a better, more awesome human.

What’s This Blog Going To Be About? Mainly just a bunch of random stories about my life- feelings, therapy, heartbreak, insecurities, screenwriting, men I have dated or am currently dating (don’t worry, I’m not going to name any of you fuckers), love, friendships, sex (sorry mom & dad), etc.- and what I’ve learned from all of it.

What To Expect? My unapologetic self, vulnerability, and lots & lots of cursing (fuck, twat, and cunt are my favorite words).

Why the Barbie Doll? Because I really, really, REALLY hate taking photos of myself. She’s also cuter, tanner, and more photogenic than I am.

FINAL THOUGHTS

If you love my shit and decide to follow my journey, fuck yea!

If you hate me and everything I have to say, fuck yea!

If you read a post and have a gut feeling it’s about you, fuck yea!

If you have a podcast and for some reason you want me to be a guest on it, fuck yea!

If you have a connection with HarperCollins…please put in a good word!!!


Originally published at https://meowmastehere.com on November 2, 2019.

Tess Brewer

Written by

coffee, cats, & writing. Also trying to get the hang of this whole blog thing. www.meowmastehere.com Personal IG: @tessbrewerr Blog IG: @meowmastehere

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