My Five Stages of Anxiety

1. Lists
It’s Wednesday morning. The express train finally reaches Grand Central and I slowly detach my thighs from the seat. My skirt is probably too short for work but the heat and the sardine packed subway give me flashbacks of passing out on the port authority bus and it overrides any dress code. The hot air immediately pours over my entire body as the sliding doors open to the platform. I trudge through the beating sun up to the my cool, grey office. I am the first one here and I slowly exhale as I shut the door behind me.There’s something incomparable about the immediate relief that follows the escape from a large crowd. I slide into my swivel chair, flick on my overhead lamp and brush any microscopic lint off of my desk that may have accumulated overnight. I’ve been awake for three hours now and my mind has already begun to form an anthology of anxious to-dos and what-ifs. I reach toward my file organizer and pull out a notebook labeled: “Mind Clutter.” A therapist once told me that I will feel more at ease if I take things out of my head and put them on paper. He forgot to mention that I’d end up giving Staples half of my paycheck every month. I write in all caps at the top of the page: “TO DO TODAY/EVENTUALLY.” He also told me that giving myself strict deadlines causes further anxiety. I fill 1.5 pages with tasks and I feel 1.5% better.
2. Manic
After making my list, I pause for breakfast. If I don’t eat every few hours, more anxiety creeps up.
Will I pass out? Am I getting enough nutrients? Am I eating too much?
I scrape the bottom of my oatmeal bowl and head to the break room to wash it out. I try to grab two paper towels to dry the bowl. I get one and the second one rips. I compulsively reach for two more; if it’s not perfect, they’re unusable.
