Life is an Adventure
It’s funny how life changes, or maybe it’s just my attitude. Every day I pray to make it to work and back safely because my new used car is a deathtrap. I’m not kidding, I have to put gas and oil in it every other day. When I get in the car in the morning I can’t help but wonder what new hell I’m going to have to deal with. Since it is my deathtrap, I also pray that I’m the only one who dies in the fiery crash. It’s funny though, while I pray to make it to work and back safely, I realized that now I really mean it. I really do want to live, I have goals again, there are things I want to achieve and things that I want to do. For the longest time, I didn’t really care if I lived or died. Whenever I would tell someone “I don’t have a life” I wasn’t joking. I also thought that no one would really care if I lived or died.
I cut myself off from my friends and family, thinking that they had their own lives and their own problems, I didn’t want to bother anyone with me. I mean, I just felt like I didn’t want to burden anyone by asking for help. I felt like I would be imposing on our friendship and I didn’t want to do that, so I closed myself off and became very skilled in telling the funny story and staying far away from what was really going on in my life. So there I was with no life, and I thought no friends, but that was me, telling myself that I wasn’t worth being friends with. Don’t rock the boat by telling anyone what was really going on, or they won’t want to be around you, that’s what I told myself. To this day, I really have a hard time asking for help, I kept telling myself that I didn’t have the right to ask for help or a favor. I guess I also thought that if I asked, I would be rejected and that would just reaffirm that I was a lousy friend, sister, and daughter who didn’t deserve help from anyone. Then, I don’t know when it happened, I realized that I was wrong.
First I gave up on my dreams, then I gave up on my life, and it’s not like it was a conscious thing. I don’t want to say that I just stopped caring, I just stopped wanting. How can I explain? Up until just recently I gave up on the idea of ever getting married, I thought I was too old, unattractive and certainly didn’t have anything substantive to bring to a relationship. But all that has changed, because I don’t want to go on alone, I don’t want to just survive, I want to live. I don’t just want to live, I want to thrive. The reason being is that God has really impressed upon me that my way isn’t working, and maybe it’s time to do things his way. That’s scary because once you give it all to God, then you have to give him complete control. I am definitely not good at that. I obsess over things, even when I pray about them. I pray and then I pray again, then again and again. I think that God must get tired of the reminders, he’s probably thinking, I heard you the first time Traci, let it go. You gave your concerns to me, now let me take care of it for you, just remember, I won’t be handling things like you would, no I’m doing it my way. So now, I meditate every morning and every night. I lay out my concerns and fears to God, I also tell him what I want to achieve. I know that I have a lot of work to do, I also know that I am so much more hopeful, now that I’ve turned my life over to God, and that my main motivation is to listen for him, hear him and obey him, then I will be fulfilled. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time with wrong decisions, and definitely making the wrong choices. I feel like now is the time to really just put my life in God’s hands and have faith in his promises. Joel Osteen said that God already has our lives worked out, and I believe that. And I am so excited now about the future because I have no idea what God has in store for me, or what plans he has set into motion for me, I just know that I am more hopeful than I have been in years. I still have a problem asking for help, but I know that God is looking out for me and he has put the right people in my life. The friends that I have now are so precious to me, I am grateful that God put them in my life. I only hope that I can be as good to them as they are to me, I am no longer closing myself off from my friends, I need them and I want to be worthy of their friendship. So as I begin and end each day, by asking God, how I can serve him, and how can I support and serve my friends and family, I feel hopeful for myself. I don’t feel like I’m alone anymore, and I hope someday I can help someone who feels alone and isn’t overly concerned about whether they live or die. I want to show them that things change, and life is an adventure. I believe my adventure has just started, and I expect great things this year!