What Do You Want?

Tomorrow is the last day of meditation with Deepak and Oprah. I love when they do this. It’s 21 days of meditation led by Deepak Chopra, with an introduction by Oprah Winfrey. This time it was Desire and Destiny. What was most compelling for me this time was the question “What do you want?” I spent 20 minutes trying to figure that out.

I mean, I always thought I wanted to be a writer. Is that really true? I listen to a lot of writers’. I listen to a podcast that is dedicated to interviewing writers. I am fascinated by what motivates them and their process. They are all very different, but they all have made a living by writing. If what I want to do is write, then shouldn’t I be consumed by writing? Shouldn’t it be all or nothing for me? Is that really my desire or is it that I just like staying in my house?

I’ve always known how to escape into my head. The one thing I haven’t lost in my life, is my imagination. It’s easy for me to be in France or Spain, while I am at work in Wichita. I can sustain it too. I have to admit, it’s easier for me to be in a Foreign country than it is for me to be in Wichita. The same goes for when I lived in Sacramento as well. As a matter of fact it might have been easier to escape to a different land while I lived in Sacramento as it is here. I believe what you can call me to this day is a dreamer. But at what point do you stop dreaming and put your dream into practice?

The girl with potential. That’s who I used to be, but somehow, now I think I am the girl with the wasted potential, or should I say the old lady that had potential, but now that all that potential is gone. I still have characters and scenarios alive in my head and in files on my computer, but I think, no I know fear is stopping me. If I were truly a writer though, wouldn’t I work through that fear and share my beloved characters with the world?

I love my characters and I want people to love my characters as much as I do. I think about them a lot. Wouldn’t you if you worked in customer service and a lot of people you speak to during the day have nothing better to do than complain? So, yes, it still is easy to think about unreality, than it is to live in the real world. At least for me it is.

When “The Help” came out I read an article by the author and I think it was she who said that she actually snuck off to write, because she had so many rejections. Still though, she forged ahead. I wonder though, what gave her the courage to send her characters out into the world.

There is one thing I know about myself and that is, I lack focus. I lack focus so much, that I bought a book about gaining focus and I still haven’t read it. I procrastinate. I am notorious for that. Those two things I truly hate about myself (and believe me, there are plenty other things I hate about myself). At this point, the regret still grows.

I envy people who say they have no regrets, but this girl (old lady) has deep regrets and sadness. Today I’m not so sad, but some days I wallow in it. For some reason today, I feel hopeful. Maybe it’s Deepak and Oprah. Still the mystery remains. What do I want? If I really knew the answer, wouldn’t I be doing it by now?

I think it was yesterday that Deepak described bliss and it made me sad, because I don’t think I’ve ever felt that. There have been times when I have felt at peace, but the bliss he described was something that I’ve never felt or I don’t I remember ever feeling. Should I be sad about that or should that make me determined to figure out what my bliss is before I die? I think the latter.

It’s been about a week now, and I still haven’t figured out what I want, but I think I’m getting closer. I don’t know for sure, what I want, but I do know that I don’t want to be the wasted potential girl anymore. So today I’m going to thank Deepok and Oprah for helping me realize that there is something I want to do, I just have to figure out what it is.

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