A Letter to the Fly in My Fridge

I hope you’re doing well. I see you got a new place on the moldy block of Cheddar cheese in the back of the fridge that was leftover from that wine tasting soiree I had a couple months ago. Well as a house-warming present, I’ll keep the cheese in there for another week. Yeah, it’s not a problem. And if you’re not comfortable, feel free to go somewhere else. I think there may be an old jar of Guy Fieri salsa somewhere or maybe a dish of hummus I still haven’t opened.

Anyway, how are the kids? I saw your oldest the other day; his wings are already so big! And how are the twins? Are they still going to day care in the deli meat drawer? Last week I was in the park and I noticed they took a field trip to my slice of pizza. I hope they had fun. They all looked so cute. They grow up so fast, trust me. Before you know it, they’ll be sneaking out and partying in a puddle of spilled beer on the bottom shelf.

And again, I’m so sorry for electrocuting your wife with an electric bug zapper. I thought she was a mosquito. Even you guys hate them! But the only reason I bring this up is because I saw a fly in the pantry this afternoon. I don’t need to meddle, but I mean, it’s already been 5 hours since she died. Life is too short! Especially for you! You should go talk with her by doing that weird hand-rubbing thing you do.

Translation: Hey girl, I haven’t seen you in a minute. Let’s get caught up.

Hey, here’s an idea. Ella and I are having dinner tomorrow; maybe you can ask the pantry fly to double date? Yeah, it will be fun! Bring the kids! We’ll put some potato salad in a shot glass for you, sprinkle some breadcrumbs on the table for the kids, and we have plenty of dessert. I haven’t picked up the dog poop in the yard yet. Yeah no pressure. Just let me know.

Oh and listen to this, the other day I sent out like ten different snapchats and not one person replied. LIKE GIRL, I SEE THAT WHITE ARROW. I KNOW YOU OPENED IT. And while I’m waiting for a response, they go post something on their MyStory! I know right, how rude is that? I mean if we were talking face-to-face and I asked you a question, you wouldn’t just ignore me and walk away? So why is that the norm when you’re online? It makes me so mad.

Ok and I know how much you hate how flies have been portrayed in the media ever since the book about that lady who swallowed one — I agree with you that she has a severe eating disorder — but there’s this new thing called the Zika virus and I have a feeling you’re going to get roped into that discussion. And to respond to your last letter, I haven’t seen anyone else use the #allfliesmatter hashtag.

Anyway, hope to see you soon!

Best Wishes,
Garrett

P.S. Oh, and feel free to adjust the fridge thermostat should it get too cold for you.