How to NOT SUCK at a Party

If you’re reading this then congratulations on being invited to a party by another human being. It’s a big accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself. Go celebrate by going to PartyCity and buy some noisemakers. Or not. Because why pay for something that you can already do with your mouth. For free…..

The first step to going to a party is to look good. You want to dress up to make the other people there look like they just woke up but not in a good way like Beyoncé. But you don’t want to go all out because like a midget alcoholic, you don’t want to set your bar too high.

Step number two is small talk. Striking up small talk with some drunken bimbo you’ve just met while waiting in line for the bathroom is almost a guarantee. It’s something we all have to do and is something we all very much hate. But just like an anorexic Marine, we have to bite the bullet and get it over with.

It’s helpful for you to think of some talking points beforehand to avoid looking like a massive idiot who looks like this is the first person you have ever talked to. A helpful tip is to think of questions that get people talking about themselves because everyone loves talking about themselves (just look at Twitter!) You can have these two for free:

  • “Did you just start putting enough makeup on your face that would make Mount Everest into a plateau or did you just recently make that transition?”
  • “How long have you been cheating on your boyfriend?”

Step three! And in hindsight I should have put this at #2, is farting. At some point during your party, you may have to fart. Farting at a party is like trying to Parent Trap your parents as an only child, risky and very difficult to pull off. But if you must, go outside or do it next to someone who can be easily blamed for it. CC: the drunken bimbo from the bathroom line.

I was at a friend’s party and I forgot to ‘release the valves’ beforehand and settled on holding it in. I was playing cards when this girl came over and sat on my lap — or as I call it — the worst-case scenario. My stomach was already bubbling like a weak pizza crust so it was moments away from rupturing. I didn’t want to be rude and skedaddle right after she sat down but I didn’t want to possibly kill her with my own deadly recipe of Agent Orange. And right as I was about to go boom, the food arrived and I excused myself to go outside to do my best Elsa impression and “Let It Go.” My body flew around the driveway like it was an loose helium balloon in a cartoon, thrashing around and finally falling on a telephone wire next to a pair of smudged white Nikes. Moral of the story, go before.

Step four is the food. Now there’s a stigma around food at a party. You can’t be that one person who devours all the food on the table even if you are starving like a Jewish model on Yom Kippur. So it’s a smart move to eat beforehand or if you can, smuggle some snacks (I recommend goldfish or pizza rolls) into your clutch or into your pockets. And if you are really clever, you can sell some extras to other hungry party guests for a nice profit.

Step five is the goodbye; my personal favorite. There is no greater feeling in the world than saying goodbye and leaving a party.

There are a bunch of goodbyes for you to chose from, which I of course, recommend you trying them all. My best friend Dan enjoys British goodbying. A British goodbye is when you announce to everyone all at once you’re leaving, give them a slow wave, and leave unamused. My friend Isabella really likes Jewish goodbying. A Jewish goodbye is when you leave the party, coughing, telling everyone, “I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

Pick whatever ethnic goodbye you like, but whatever you do avoid the white girl goodbye. To white girl goodbye is to go around to every single guest, chat with them for another 5–15 minutes saying things like, “We should get together soon,” or “You look so good have you been lost weight?”, then forcing people to “give me a hug,” and then you say a big final goodbye to everyone and leave piggybacking on your pudgy, flannel wearing boyfriend while fake laughing and texting.

My go-to goodbye is the Irish one. I’ve never been more proud to be Irish than during a goodbye; it makes bottling up all the emotional stuff and relentless church going all worth it. There are a lot of songs about how saying goodbyes are so hard but to me, it’s really the best. I love saying goodbye. It’s one of the best feelings in the world. I like saying goodbye way more than I like saying hello because saying hello is work, saying goodbye means you’re off the clock. Saying goodbye is really the only reason I go to parties in the first place.