How To Read in the Car Without Getting Carsick

Throwing up in a car sucks. And throwing up in a carpool is even worse. My carsickness is always from reading in the car. No scratch that. I get carsick even if I am holding a book in my hand. Even if it’s not even open! It’s like my brain is yelling at that book,

But why do we always get sick while reading in a car? It’s not like I get sick while reading in my house, or on a plane, or that one time when Kanye invited me to his book club on his private house plane (the book of that month wasHorton Hears a Who!). I’ve always been confused as to why this happens. I think it might have something do with when my elementary school fired all their teachers to save money and the students had to learn from Yahoo! answers.

I tried to conduct a little research of my own as to why we have evolved to be such softies and I’m still confused. So in trying to understand how carsickness is a byproduct of reading in the car, I emailed all of my professors from college with the hope that they may be able to help me. But seeing as how I have graduated and my school give out anything for free — I’ve been blacklisted until I donate money — nobody responded to me. But I do have a friend at MIT who actually did respond to me. SHOUTOUT TO YOU MIT!

Real quick, I know MIT is already written in all caps but take a second and reread that last sentence but read MIT as if I were still shouting it. Thanks.

The gentleman who responded to me is Dr. Frankie Naismith, one of the leading perception neuropsychologists in the country. This is what he had to say:

“The reason we become ill while reading in a car is because our brain, specifically our prefrontal cortex, is receiving two conflicting signals. The messages we are receiving from our direct line of sight [what you’re actively looking at] is that of a stationary state. This means that when you’re looking at the page of your book [or copy of US Weekly], you’re eyes are telling your brain that you are not moving. Simultaneously, your periphery vision [seeing out of the corner of your eye. Even though that expression doesn’t make sense seeing as how your eyes are round and don’t have corners.] is looking out the window and seeing the passing countryside and relaying to your brain that you are, indeed, actually moving.”

At this point, if you haven’t already, you might be wondering, “What about boats? You can get seasick. Idiot!”

Ok, well reading on a boat is not the catalyst for your sickness. If you were to get seasick on a boat, it is because of the natural swaying motion of the boat as it ebbs and flows between the waves. And that feeling is only magnified by the other sick people on the boat and by the fact that, as you are standing on the boat’s deck, you are moving much more than the bottom of the boat. Think of the boat’s sway as a marching band walking around a corner. You’re body is the tuba player on the end who has to move twice as fast as to stay in line with the flute player on the inside. Your sickness does not sprout as soon as you start to read but as soon as the boat leaves its dock. And that I’ve stumped another Internet troll with a logic riddle, let’s cross its bridge and get back to the matter at hand.

Basically our eyes are like a single mom bringing her twins into the grocery store. Each twin is going to beg and plead and annoy and pester their mom to get their favorite snack but she is on the phone trying to get these kids into summer camp aka an adult’s Booze-A-Thon. But her attention can only be divided so many times before she gets overwhelmed and [puke emoji].

So with this new information in mind, the Mercibuttercup staff brainstormed some ideas on how to potentially reduce puking in the car.

1.) Stop reading. It’s boring. 
2.) Buy a self-driving car?
3.) Wear an eye patch.
4.) Buy a plane ticket.
5.) Wear those horse blinders. You know the things rich douchebag billionaires put on their horses during the Kentucky Derby? And later on their mistress because I’m assuming they are into that sort of thing.
6.) Print the book on the windshield that way the peripherals don’t send mixed messages
7.) Listen to an audio book.
8.) Learn to speed read
9.) Wear a visor and bring it back in style!
10.) Watch stare out the window like a normal person.
11.) Why don’t you drive the car? Stop having other people do things for you
12.) Sleep…
13.) Take a train. They’re DOPE.
14.) Do nothing. You’ll probably lose some weight.
15.) Stop reading this article because it’s making you sick…