The Golden Age of TV

HBO in Bikini Bottom is fire.

There is a ton of good TV on right now. And it’s everywhere, on your phone, on your computer, on your iPad, on your actual TV, at the gas station. Who was complaining about the lack of programming at the gas station that they decided to put a TV on top of the gas pump? “So I was filling up my tank the other day and thought to myself, you know what this place needs? More shitty TV.”

There has never been more television in the history of everthing than there is right now. There is so much of it. I know some people who take days off from work just to watch TV. You have definitely reached a new level of laziness if you call out pretending to be sick just so you can finish the last season of Fargo. And imagine doing that. Now imagine your lazy ass sprawled on the couch wearing stained sweatpants with your college printed on the pant leg, hair that looks like something straight out of the #pinterestfail, and an empty family sized bag of Cheezits on the coffee table and your kids come home. What do you say to them? “Sorry honey, Mommy was behind on her shows so she decided to lie to her boss to get the day off to watch Being Mary Jane. Now go start your homework so you can have a promising future.” The kid is probably going to take a photo of you and hopefully use it as blackmail you.

And it’s only a matter of time before progressive companies will start giving their employees TV days off. “Hi there, Brittany, welcome to Google. Just wanted to give you a quick overview of your pay schedule. You’ll get paid every Friday with 2 weeks of paid vacation. You will also get 5 personal days and 3 TV days.” That would be the saddest thing in terms of humanity BUT on the bright side, will hopefully put an end to starting every conversation about TV by saying ‘Spoiler Alert’ like it’s the ambivalent cousin to an Amber Alert.

A lot of people say we live in the golden age of television. The golden age of television is an odd term to use though. Because the golden age of humanity is when the best and brightest minds got together to make incredible advancements in science, technology, and math. But the golden age didn’t last forever and eventually gave way to shittier and shittier ages. Eventually working our way down to the Iron age, where everyone was basically just having drunk sex and then going to work in a mine. So if the golden age of television is right now, we are headed for the Iron Age of television. And I’m not too excited to have my children watching garbage shows like The Real Housewives of Des Moines or Keeping Up with the Jenner-Biebers.

But for the time being, we are where we are. We have more TV shows on right now than OJ has days left in prison! I so cannot wait for The Juice to go on Dancing With The Stars! “Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the stage, OJ Simpson and his partner performing a passionate Pasodoble.” But if you are the type of person who doesn’t call out of work to watch TV, it can be difficult to stay caught up with your shows. My aunt used to pick her college classes around her Soap Operas. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Then to make matters worse, you have to deal with your friends raving about the they’re watching. “Yo man, you HAVE to get caught up with Game of Thrones. The ending is UN-BEE-LEAVE-A-BULL!” If you have never seen their show, they will have an anxiety attack so severe their entire body will buckle and treat you like you should be charged with a 1st degree felony. So to keep your friendship alive, stop reading this and go watch TV.

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