An Exaggerated Look at Weather in New England

Pictured: Maine. And yes, it is part of the United States

As I’m typing this, it is a hard 88 degrees with a muggy, humidity that could stop a bullet midair. New England weather has a reputation for being unstable. The forecast goes up and down more than the food in Mary Kate Olsen’s stomach.

Today it will get into the nineties but later this afternoon it could get into the 40s, like the playlist of a very eccentric DJ. Odds are we’ll get heavy rain and thunder, and tonight we could get a frost. There’s a popular saying here in New England, “FACK YOU! HOW BOUT USING YAH FACKING BLINKA NEXT TOIME.” No not that one, the other one…

“If you don’t like the weather, just wait a minute and it’ll change.”

When I first heard about that beloved phrase, needlepointed on my grandmother’s throw pillow, I thought to myself, “Well that’s pretty dumb. The weatherman told me it’s supposed to be sunny and gorgeous out. Surely this pillow can’t be smarter than our weatherman.”

It was.

That day we saw rain, snow, heat, humidity, sleet, hail, and slush, and that was only at the strip club. (ZINGER!)

Another fun treat us “Brady Fans” have is waking up 15 minutes early every winter morning to scrape the night before’s frost off our windshield or, if you were bullied in school, picking the frozen cotton balls off your windshield. If you’ve never had the privilege of participating in our annual, festive tradition, let me try to explain how wonderful it truly is. And just know that when virtual reality becomes more popular, I will campaign heavily to have every person experience this.

Imagine for a second that go to a restaurant and order a buffalo chicken pizza. But hold on. You don’t like cheese. So imagine trying to get all of that hot, stringy three cheese blend (mozzarella, cheddar, and gouda, a significant factor in their 4.5 average Yelp review.) off the pizza while trying to keep the remaining toppings unscathed.

Oh, you think you got it all?

Nope, you missed that base layer of blue cheese crumbles that is welded into the dough that you have to chisel off with an ice pick.

Now if you think your delicious pizza is officially dairy-free, you forgot the bubbly crust has been injected with enough American cheese to make an adult sized cheese hula-hoop.

All the while, your fingers have gotten so cold and frostbitten that even flipping off the car is impossible.

Do this for 5 months out of the year and it starts to take it’s toll on you.

The worst thing besides the obvious, everything, is that your skin starts to dry up. Picture what your hands, your feet, your legs, and your arms look like now. Now picture the sun baked floor of Death Valley like you’d see in a National Geographic documentary, with all those cute little lizards scurrying around. That is what your hands look like now. But instead of those cute, scurrying lizards its blood because your knuckles have split open from the cold and now you just used hand sanitizer to clean them.

There comes a point in the middle of the winter where I genuinely say to myself, “I’ve given up hope to see the sun again. I have actually forgotten what warmth feels like.”

But during a few months in the summer, the sun, like a deadbeat dad, comes back to see us. (YAY!) Everyone is happy, the flowers remind us what colors are, we gorge ourselves on the best seafood in the world, and everyone loves everyone. People even go to the beach and forget how good the sun feels, fall asleep, and wake up with a severe sunburn!

But it’s not as bad as it looks guys, it’s going to turn tan anytime now, ok? I know it’s been red for 5 days but, trust me, it will — and it’s back to Winter.