The story of a broken heart

Love is the most complicated feeling a human being can ever experience. It consists of a bunch of mixed emotions all felt together. Depending on the case and the person, those feelings can be beautiful, or awful.

I bet you fell in love before, and I hope your case ended up better than mine did. My story is complicated but it taught me something. Something I don’t know yet, but I’m sure I’ll discover soon enough.

A couple of months ago, I met this girl at work. She’s a newcomer and perhaps this is her first “real” job after graduation. She’s outgoing, smart and willing to learn new stuff everyday. Since I’ve got some years of experience, I was asked by a superior to keep an eye on her and help whenever possible.

So I took the initiative to pass by her cubicle. She showed me her work. I showed her mine and we quickly had this co-worker to co-worker relationship. She was good but she needed guidance. That was when my whole purpose in life changed. I needed to help this girl, I felt I wanted to and I couldn’t stop.

Boom.

It happened. And it happened quickly. When she talked I couldn’t hear anything but her voice. The words she said vanished in the air and everything became blurry. It was her, her eyes, her voice and her aura against my poor heart. I couldn’t perceive her questions because I was too busy finding a way out from her beautiful, wide brown eyes.

“Ok, clearly, I like the girl” I thought. It was beautiful, refreshing and exciting. I’m the always-late kind of employee, but I became punctual to spend more time with her. After the 8 hours, she would leave and the day ended there, for me.

One day she mentioned a guy to a colleague. With all curiosity, anxiety and faith in humanity, I asked her “and this guy is…?”, hoping she was talking about her brother. Her answer hit me in the head, I felt a bullet in the heart, and a big black hole in the stomach — She had a boyfriend.

I played it cool and acted indifferently. “Cool”, I said. But it wasn’t cool at all. Put yourself in my shoes. How on Earth could that be possibly cool?

I was upset, but somehow it didn’t bother me for too long. I never thought of this girl as my girlfriend (though I would die to be with her). To me, seeing her everyday, was enough. I tried to keep my head far from the fact she could have feelings for someone else. Denial was the tool I used to keep falling in love with her undisturbed, at the same time, I knew it would turn into a chest bomb that could explode anytime. Did I say I was in denial? Yeah, right.

Then she started to notice. Her friends started to notice. And we had a tiny little conversation about me being too interested in her. She thought I was having fun, she started talking about her boyfriend, but then I showed her that whatever I did, I did because “I care”, in a romantic way. Yes, I had feelings for her, what could be possibly wrong with it? I wasn’t demanding anything, nor I had plans in mind. I was just speaking my heart.
We acted normally as if nothing happened, except she knew that if I had to ask her to explain something twice, it was because I was thinking about her, talking to me, knowing she knew and that she also knew I wasn’t listening.

With time my heart became heavier, fuller with feelings and harder to manage. The more I dealt with her, the more I felt the danger. Whenever she turned her back to leave the office, I whispered “I love you”, with a bleeding piece of heart in my hand.

She started to feel uncomfortable and I noticed. I also noticed she tried to hide it, but one day she couldn’t help it and confronted me. No, it wasn’t cool, she had a boyfriend, I had to step aside and this time, it was serious. She said she didn’t want my help anymore. I drowned and I reacted with stupidity. I promised I won’t bother her anymore and since it all became a mess already, then yes, I went all rogue and blunt and said it. I took this weight off my chest and explained how much I love her.

I love her and I will always do. I also want her to be happy with her boyfriend. I hope he treats her the way she deserves. I hope he does whatever he can to make her happy. And God knows, if he hurts her, I will hunt him down.

The moral of the story? I’m not sure. All I know is the chest bomb exploded and I’m now the saddest person, ever.

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