Love, Lust or Limerence? (Midlife Love 3/6)
Falling in love was easy once I decided that’s what I wanted to feel.
Journal Entry
“Three little words were whispered yesterday.
Three words with the power to turn my world upside down
Three words that I never imagined would escape my lips just mere days ago.
Fourteen days to be exact.
Fourteen days ago a risk was taken.
The day my cells began their metamorphosis in anticipation of my first date since separating from my husband three years ago.”
If you’d like to read more about that nerve-wracking day, check this out, otherwise carry on 😉
LOVE: Strong affection for another
Love comes easily to me. Love Everyone More is one of my core values.
I already felt strong affection for this man but contemplating romance was an uncomfortable leap for two people in active recovery from painful long-term relationships.
For our first date, I chose a new restaurant based on a girlfriend’s recommendation and possibly its name, Perfect Pair Sips and Boards. We started lost and freezing because my phone’s GPS marked the wrong building and it’s hard to dress in Texas in January.
I imagine he was worried we’d miss our reservation window when all I could think about was what it would feel like to hold his hand.
We found it, the old-fashioned way, by asking.
Our waitress, a charming young lady with a hoop nose ring, blue ringlets, and a self-deprecating giggle, ushered us to a side table for two off the bar and began to explain the concept of “boards”. We loved her on sight.
The owner stopped by to check our lighting, embarrassed our lamp had no bulb. The two of us assured her we were proud to be part of the grand opening weekend and didn’t need any more light to enjoy ourselves. She relaxed and moved on.
The first board arrived with our cocktails. My fingers tingled as we reached for ribs dipped in various sauces. For the last few days, I’d been finding reasons to eat with my fingers. Any excuse to make contact with my tongue I learned to place food for the highest sensory impact.
Now here we were both licking our fingers between savory bites. Alternating sips as the conversation flowed without a hitch.
Our next visitor was the chef. He delighted us with stories about former restaurants, menu choices, recipes, and his hard-working staff.
My ex-husband would have died of embarrassment. I imagine him giving me dagger eyes if I dared ask a question. He would accuse me of “monopolizing” the chef’s time. I would remain silent.
Tonight, at this table, the chef’s eyes lit up and his enthusiasm built with each probing question we asked. We were mesmerized. The details infused our food with more flavor. We ordered another board.
Reluctant to break the spell cast by this magical meal, but out of time, we flagged our waitress. Explaining how we had tickets to a play that started in half an hour.
As we divided the bill, I blurted to the waitress,
“This is our first date. Hopefully, we’ll be back to celebrate again.”
She smiled, “I’ll see you then.”
Blushing crimson, we congratulated her on her new job and left a big tip. Now she was part of our story. They all were.
I felt no shame for my curiosity about these lovely characters. People gathered at our table because they felt safe and seen by both of us.
I could get used to this.
The door to the Perfect Pair opened and cold air stung our faces. We were surprised to find a musician, his bare hands sticking out of a puffy coat playing guitar under the trees.
He asked, “What can I play for you tonight?”
We said, “Surprise us … jinx!”
A few beats later, his guitar strummed the unmistakable intro to “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac.
We were still staring at each other. Neither of us believes in coincidence.
Really universe?
We grinned and giggled.
He opened his coat, I slid under and wrapped my arm around him as he pulled me close. His warm hand on my back, we leaned into each other and fell into the enchanting lyrics.
For a few minutes, we stood inside the perfect Hollywood meet-cute moment.
Later that same evening …
The play was heavy, a group of talented actors reading suicide letters crafted into a story of tragedy, redemption, and hope. We were moved to tears.
As aspiring writers and amateur actors, we had lots to discuss. I suggested a drink at the bar around the corner.
We found our way to the couch upstairs to debrief. Once again conversation flowed easily but I was distracted. There was something I was dying to know.
Would a kiss transform this friendship into everything I hoped it could be?
I wanted another taste of the electricity I’d felt just hours before under his coat but there would be no more touching. He kept to his side of the couch.
I went to bed still longing for that elusive “chemistry test” yet emotionally satisfied.
There was not a moment when I didn’t feel safe. I’d just experienced, quite possibly, the best date of my life.
I wanted more.
LUST: Intense sexual desire
I had no patience. I couldn’t wait to try again.
The next morning, I suggested we get together and read a play our mutual friend was directing next season. Secretly knowing two of the characters kiss.
This time we were on his couch. I’d been there before surrounded by friends at a Halloween party, at rehearsal during the week, and a few weeks ago when he hosted “movie night”. But never alone.
A single script between us, we read all six characters. But only two mattered tonight, the love interests. Every time the stage directions mentioned a kiss, my breathing slowed down, senses on high alert, waiting for a “go signal”.
Instead, he turned away ever so slightly.
We finished the play. It was good.
Mere YOU are going to have to make this happen.
Quietly, I said what my body was screaming,
“Can I kiss you?”
He said, “Okay.”
I remember the surprised look on his face when I lunged. The first few seconds may have been awkward, but an hour later, I knew the answer to my “chemistry test” as I reluctantly stumbled out the door feeling high.
He passed.
LIMERENCE: state of being obsessively infatuated with someone
My growing feelings were fueled by a constant stream of reinforcement.
I scrolled social media suddenly inundated with romantic Instagram Reels, articles, and memes about destiny, soul mates, and twin flames. I fell for a page called “Empower Wholeness Intimacy” whose mission is to rewrite unconscious sex programming.
Sure, that’s a thing.
We consulted horoscopes, read poetry, pulled tarot cards, and tuned into the phases of the moon.
Swoon.
He started a Spotify list so we could share music. We bantered through a stream of songs. Adding to the daily mix was a breeze compared to the days of making mixed tapes. Music created another window into our past as well as a safe way to reveal new feelings. Our eclectic soundtrack became the background music to our lives. A few favorites,
“All the Things” — Baby Queen
“Stealing Happy Hours” — 311
“You Matter to Me” — Sara Bareilles, Jason Mraz
“Come Away with Me” — Nora Jones
“Crowded Table” — The Highwomen, Brandi Carlile
We hit a level of serendipity that felt like fire. Every song, every visual, every stanza was a reflection of our desire for romance.
Am I obsessed?
Maybe a little.
One night, I wanted to leave him a note but I didn’t have a piece of paper or a pen.
I chose graffiti.
In a moment of presumptuous insanity, I pulled out my lipstick and scribbled,
“I ❤️ U”
I looked at myself through the heart shape on his bathroom mirror.
Who am I?
You are a middle-aged woman acting like a love-starved teenager.
I didn’t erase it. I laughed.
Romancing the Stone
For the next few months, I will grapple with my awareness of these three states as I fall into his arms at the end of a long day after everyone else has left rehearsal and we have a window of time to ourselves.
I rest my head on his chest sharing “all the things” trickling across my mind.
This is LOVE. It feels safe, reciprocal, gentle, kind, and peaceful.
Then my fingers find my way into his hair and our lips come together. Time slips away. I’ve learned the term “conscious kiss”. Because of the safety established, I stay connected to my mind while opening my body for this delicious sharing of breath.
Long-dormant LUST has reawakened. Surely lust and love can co-exist.
For now, we live in the moment. Our busy lives separate from this secret magical time. Very few people know we have ventured into romance territory.
This generates LIMERANCE.
Will it last?
Is this a mirage?
I don’t know.
What I know for sure …
Should it be that this man is only meant to be in my movie for a season, the experience is sure to be worth the pain. We both deserve at least a chance at an epic love story, not just on the stage but in our lives, in our flawed aging bodies, and our existence within this moment in time on this doomed planet.
This is my new favorite meme,
For now, I exist in the trifecta. Holding steady the balance between Love, Lust, and Limerence. I am falling in love. And it feels fantastic.
