The 90-Day Rule, Or How to Not Date Opportunistic Idiots
I remember excitedly texting a friend of mine, asking her if she knew anyone to hook up a guy I had just met and was totally infatuated with at a large organization. I thought she might know, and I was lost in the now of meeting someone new and exciting. I had stepped off the plane where we spent ten days together, and I eagerly wanted to do it all for him. I quickly texted her in the airport, to which she replied:
Do not do anything for him professionally for the first 90 days.
She is a wise, wise friend. She was right, the relationship fizzled. I didn’t ever make the introduction, and I was very grateful I didn’t.
I made the same mistake a couple months back in an introduction at a very high-level for someone with whom I was beyond taken with. I then later found out that despite the crashing and burning, that contact was still used, and so was my name. Seething and stuck, with yet another opportunist.
I know I am certainly not alone in this.
This is a combination of my and many people’s naivete — we assume that someone will not do this to us, that they want to get to know us, versus the idea of us. This has happened to countless women (and men) that I know. For one friend, she swears “one of my exes only wanted to date me for access to the Google cafeteria”.
We all get used in varying ways, whether be romantic or professional or interpersonal. For me, it is often in the form of men who know my ties to media or business, and know that I, endlessly optimistic about people’s intentions, am often willing to help.
I have talked to more people to help them get jobs, connect them to companies, than I probably should have.
And this doesn’t only exist romantically — it happens with friends too. I had a friend screw me over after I helped her get a job. She chose to be a terrible employee.
This is hurtful to the person doing the connecting, but it also mostly really hurts. I see it everywhere with powerful women I know. In a 15-minute span of asking around for this article, I had women around the country describing the situations in which they’ve been used by a guy for their professional ties.
“Well it’s extra complicated because it took me forever to not mix-up my professional & personal life,” said a close friend. “If I trust you, I give whole-heartedly. I’ve definitely made the mistake of trusting too soon, too fast. And their careers were made better for it.”
Here-in lies the 90 Day Rule, that you wait to see what someone is really made of, or three FULL months, before you lift a finger to help them. A trimester. A quarterly estimated taxes period.
It isn’t easy. For me, at least. I always want to help, I always want to connect, and I always want to fix. But that is something that you need to be exceptionally careful with before you know someone’s intentions.
Everyone I know has a story like this — taking a man to high-powered events, introduced him to interesting people, or helping advance his career. It ultimately often ended up in a user situation. And a loser situation.
Sometimes it is more subtle, but sometimes it’s just hilariously blatant. “I had a guy hit on me hard once after hearing how many Twitter followers I had. I mostly just found that pathetic,” said Rachel Sklar.
It’s easy to get lost in the beginnings of infatuation, and so let my tale serve cautionary, to all of those, men and women, trying to date in a world where we can’t tell if we’re networking or dating, and people use what they can to get ahead.
I remember seeing a guy last fall, who, knowing he didn’t want to lose my Rolodex but was fine with losing me romantically said, “well, you seem like a great person to know.”
You are a great person to know. And you are worth knowing whether or not you go to fancy parties or have industry ties. Just for you and what makes you awesome. This isn’t a cry to never help someone either, but it has to be a mutual desire to achieve, together.
Save the benefits and string-pulling and special love that comes in the form of help for those who really deserve it.
Let them first show you who they really are, and then you can judge if they are worth opening up your heart and your network.
