(Gender) Role Reversal

I love statistics. There’s nothing like a baffling statistic to get your attention. Numbers don’t lie and that’s why we listen. Well, here’s a scary statistic: 40–50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce. It’s undisputedly shocking and terrifying. No one wants their parents to get divorced. I would’ve never guessed that my parents would be the ones to get divorced, but they did. It was a really harsh change for me and I didn’t have any close friends who could relate to my situation, strangely enough, which made me feel more alone in the transition. My family dynamic essentially took a 180 from what it was when I was a kid. Upon researching gender roles for my portfolio, I realized my parent’s roles changed drastically after they got divorced.

A marriage is the most perfect example I can think of to display the two sexes interacting with each other. Both partners adopt a certain role in the relationship, and some couples struggle with their “roles” more than others. According to a TED talk with sociologist Michael Kimmel, both partners are happier when the relationship is more egalitarian and when both childcare and work are shared responsibilities. Yet, the traditional “mom” and “dad” roles aren’t very egalitarian at all, and although many couples today stray far from these traditional views, they are still prominent in today’s society. I certainly grew up with parents who had adopted the traditional roles.

Traditional family and relationship roles really cemented in the 1950’s. The typical family in the 1950’s consisted of a two-parent household with children. Often the family would live in the suburbs and the father would commute to his day job while the mother took on childcare at home and did the household chores. This ideal for family life established the classic “stay at home mom”/ “housewife” role. Women were to stay home with the children, and men were expected to work and provide for the family.

These days, there are a lot more family styles. It’s more socially acceptable to have a double income household, a single parent household, or for the father to take on childcare. My family pre-divorce almost perfectly resembled the traditional, stereotypical 1950’s family. My dad worked and my mom quit her job to stay home with my brother and I. My mom had dinner ready every night when my dad got home. She did all the household work and my dad provided the finances for the family.

My parents separated my freshman year of high school and got a finalized divorced my senior year. Those four years contributed to some of the biggest changes in my life. My dad moved out of our house and moved between places several times before settling down. It was especially weird for me to have to make time to see my dad since I decided to live mostly with my mom. When your parents are together, you never think about consciously and effortfully spending time with them because you all live together. Now, I had to make time to go meet my dad for lunch and whenever I stayed with him it felt strange because it wasn’t “my” bed and “my” house. My mom had to go back to work after being unemployed for 16+ years. It was difficult to get a job that she wanted after not working for so long; she struggled with that for a while. Competition is fierce. Deciding whether to keep working or take on childcare full-time is one of the most difficult decisions a woman has to make. Women are predisposed to make that decision because of the historical pressure for them to stay at home with the kids. My mom decided to stay home with us, which she doesn’t regret in the least, but after getting divorced, it made her job search a lot harder.

My mom had to absorb both the “mom” and “dad” roles for a while. She still had to take care of me and my brother, even though we were older. She still had to do most all of the housework and cooking. Yet, she had to take on the responsibility of a job and being financially independent. She had to do everything herself, which was an adjustment, to say the least. My dad also started dating again and is now engaged, which was yet another big change for me. I had to grasp the concept of having a stepmom and step-siblings. Change is a huge aspect of divorce; it’s more than just a couple splitting up, there is collateral damage.

Although all of these changes had an initial shock for me, I learned to adapt to our new family style and I learned a lot of lessons that I can use in my life. I strongly agree with Michael Kimmel that relationships thrive when their style is egalitarian. I know marriage is full of really difficult decisions, but compromise and shared responsibility are essential to success. My parents were an example for me of a traditional relationship based on historical gender roles. After observing the fallout and looking back on things, I don’t think that traditional views are as viable today in a modern relationship as they once were. They are based on the assumption of inequality between men and women and most successful relationships don’t include a power complex. After all, countless studies show happiness is intertwined with equality. It’s been accepted that people are happier when society as a whole is as equal as can be in areas such as gender, race, and socio-economic status.