I’m following all of the news from the Sochi Winter Olympics in Russia and find myself with so many conflicting emotions. Like most people, the scenes are delightfully confusing and hilarious (winter Olympics at a summer resort?!) and ultimately so ‘Russian.’ But it’s also really sad to watch this place I love become a bit of a joke…and yet I’m happy that a lot of this is being brought to a bigger audience, as there are many not-so-funny aspects of life in Russia we can’t forget about.

I’ve spent about a year living in various places in Russia between 2001-2004 — I volunteered at shelters and orphanages in a town called Yaroslavl, studied in St. Petersburg, and interned at the US Embassy in Moscow. I loved my experiences in Russia and am so grateful to have met some wonderful people who became friends and welcomed me into their lives. Yea, of course I remember the crazy toilets and weird bureaucratic systems, but you get used to it and it becomes a part of the charm and Russian experience.

But I also remember working at the US Embassy in Moscow and there was an unofficial rule that Marines who were black or Hispanic couldn’t leave the embassy compound out of safety concerns. Another time my Californian friend was confronted on a bus for looking “Chechen.” Fortunately he was former military and totally unflappable and got away without incident by being chatty, friendly, and firm.

I remember walking home in Moscow and a drunk man put his arms around me and dragged me down an alley. Fortunately I was only a few blocks away from the Embassy, so I guided him in that direction and made it in safely. But I was f-ing lucky.

And in Yaroslavl, I was with out with another volunteer and a guy bought her a drink; when she didn’t immediately pay him back for the drink she didn’t ask for, we ended up getting chased out of the club and I was punched (all while the cops were watching passively). Fortunately we made it home okay because a cab driver took pity on us. And another time we weren’t allowed to visit our friend in her hometown because of race riots — when it was finally declared ‘safe’ we decided to bus to her town to meet her parents and family. On the bus, another situation happened where we were cornered by a bunch of drunk anti-muslim xenophobes. Fortunately (again) the bus driver took pity on us and moved us to the front near him.

What I learned was that many experiences were on a razor-thin edge — and that a situation could spiral out of control at any second. Relying on random bus-drivers to get you out of sticky situations doesn’t seem like a sustainable model of staying alive. It was also before YouTube came along.

On Tuesday night I watched the Channel 4 documentary, Hunted, about how LGBT people are hunted down in the streets and terrorised — literally tortured — across Russia. It made me ill and angry and sad and nauseous.

This macho, cockish behavior is beyond reproach — it’s eating away at the rich and crazy history and culture that makes Russia intriguing, interesting, and fun. It was there when I lived there, but it was subdued by the warmth and hospitality of my Russian friends. The dacha visits, visiting my friends’ towns and homes — they were all wonderful and what I remember most about Russia. Life really was great — we hung out and it was chill and a ton of laughter and some vodka.

These contradictions —

the macho with the warmth — the ability of the Russians to overcome their batshit crazy history (*cough* Stalin), yet allow themselves to be run by one autocrat after another — the Russian intelligentsia fought for the spread of knowledge in the face of constant persecution during communism, yet ignorant influencers are now pervasive across all levels of society . Russia has a long history of including women at all levels of society and government, yet still very traditional views on women in the household.

— have always confounded me.

Put simply, what my experience taught me is that’s the way life is for many in Russia. However, to see these behaviors taken to such an extreme — the bullying, the joy of the hunt, all while capturing it on video — has become too much for me. It’s quite disconnected from what I know/knew about Russia.

Yes, I am going to watch the games and hope that they are safe — but while you’re making fun of their hotel lobbies, don’t forget about the actual scary stuff that happens (and don’t become the bully). And try to get to know a few Russians — they can be pretty fantastic.