How I Choose to Give Self-Confidence the Upper Hand

“You seem so confident.” “You seem to have your shit together.” “You seem to be sure of yourself. How did you learn to do that?”

People tell me these things. But first:

· Too tall

· Too skinny

· Big nose

· Big ears

· Flat chested

· No curves

· Dark under-eye circles

· Blotchy complexion

· Acne-prone skin

Welcome to my intimate list of detailed things I’ve been told about myself, things I think about myself. Welcome to my intimate list of whispers after another break up.

Welcome to my list of things I actively choose to throw out the door.

“What height do you wish you were?” asked my then, (same height) boyfriend.

“Are you asking if I wish I was a different height?” I replied.

“Yeah. If you could be any height, what would it be?” he said.

“The height I am. I have to choose not to focus on that.”

It sparked a great conversation.

I’m partial to the terms flawless and perfect instead of beautiful. Bear with me as I go through a few definitions.

beau·ti·ful: pleasing the senses or mind aesthetically.

gor·geous: beautiful, very attractive.

at·trac·tive: pleasing or appealing to the sense(s).

sense: a faculty by which the body perceives an external stimulus; one of the faculties of sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch.

pret·ty: attractive in a delicate way without being truly beautiful or handsome. (ouch)

aesthetically:

1. of or relating to art or beauty.

2. pleasing in appearance; attractive.

(Full circle here, folks.)

Now, look at these:

flaw·less: without any blemishes or imperfections; perfect.

per·fect:

1. having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.”

2. absolute; complete.”

See what I’m getting at?

Don’t get me wrong, I still blush when someone I care about tells me I’m beautiful, but, will it cure low self-confidence? I don’t think so. Trying to do so is putting a band aid over a deeper wound. And let’s face it, T-Swift knows what she’s talking about when she sings, “Band Aids don’t fix bullet holes”.

I have a love-hate relationship with the Dove Real Beauty Campaign. On one hand, I love the message they are sending that others see you as more beautiful than you see yourself. On the other hand, it’s still all aesthetically and externally focused. We’re trying to promote self-confidence and trying to fix it with external beauty? For example, when the people in the Dove Real Beauty Sketches video (click here to watch it) are describing the features about themselves they dislike, they are focused on them and so they are magnified. When the people that met them as a second party are describing their features, the features are highlighted because of the qualities these individuals possess, not lack there-of, (the “positive” features are magnified because of the qualities of the individual.) “She had nice eyes, they lit up when she spoke.” Nice, bright eyes come from being expressive, from happiness, joy, laughter; qualities. You can have aesthetically pleasing eyes and if they are hidden in sadness, no stranger is going to tell you “Your eyes light up when you speak.” But therein lies the most powerful part. Everyone can have eyes that light up, but physically, symmetrically, and aesthetically speaking? You can only go so far.

You aren’t going to nurture the qualities that brought out the flawless features you have by only looking to aesthetics to treat you.

qual·i·ty: a distinct attribute or characteristic possessed by someone.

at·trib·ute: a quality or feature regarded as a characteristic or inherent part of someone or something.

char·ac·ter·is·tic: a feature or quality belonging typically to a person, place, or thing and serving to identify it.

So here’s how I really gave self-confidence the upper hand. I shifted my focus. I stopped focusing on making myself beautiful and I started focusing on honing my qualities. I started working on honing them so finely that I would trust myself and my judgement, so that I could connect with people without using them for self-fulfillment. I looked at the people I was most drawn to; the people that had me from the moment they walked in the room. If compared aesthetically, none of them would be the most “beautiful”, so technically speaking, why was I drawn to them? Isn’t everyone drawn to those they have an instant attraction to? From my experience, I guess to a degree. But to another, lasting degree, I believe that deep down, people are drawn to each other’s souls, not corpses.

Here are some things in people I am drawn to:

· Has calming presence

· Has kind eyes

· Has no judgement

· Has bubbly laughter

· Has contagious energy

· Listens well

· Is selfless and self-sacrificing

· Is relatable

· Is empathetic

· Is transparent

· Is understanding

· Is vulnerable

For me, focusing on the above listed qualities I admire comes from practicing gratitude, thankfulness, and reminding myself every morning that joy will not be a product of the outfit I choose. It comes from laying down my pride and learning to identify characteristics I admire in people and trying to learn them. It comes from saying, “I love this about you. How do you do that?” It comes from noticing the most wonderful parts about someone. It comes from reminding myself to choose smiles, to choose laughter, and to actively choose not to spend my time thinking about physical characteristics I wish would change. I believe, more than ever, that a presence can infiltrate a room, a smile can light it up, and laughter can invade it. Self-Confidence won’t come from having a smaller nose, or bigger boobs, or a tighter ass.

I think the key is balance. Do I still wear make-up? Yes. Do I still work out? Yes. Do I still enjoy dressing well? Yes. When I feel like I look good aesthetically, I feel good, I get that, but I had to work at shifting my focus to understand that “beauty” only goes so far.

It is not the cure.

It will take continual reinforcement from others. It will take people telling you you’re beautiful, it will be a reality check that you rely on other’s opinions, and that, is quite contrary to giving self-confidence the upper hand.

I am in love with the idea of people lacking in symmetrical, aesthetic beauty, and yet having their qualities jump out of their skin and cover up any lack there-of; making them perfect, making them flawless. Do you know what that is? Redemption. It’s a trade-off.

I would like to choose to celebrate people, exactly as they are, and see that they are good. That they are enough, that they are perfect, and they are flawless. I choose, every day, to throw my intimate list of “not good enough” things out the door. I choose to fall in love with the idea of people being drawn to me in spite of not being 100%, completely, and fully symmetrical. How romantic.

Oh, and here’s the definition of self-con·fi·dence:

“a feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgment.”

*All definitions came from Google search