Summers before 2016: You are in full dad bod mode, pasty, pale, soft and mediocre. It’s 90 degrees on the beach but you’re wearing a t-shirt. Below your cotton sheath of shame your A-Cup man-tits gently swing side to side as you lumber down the beach in order to retrieve the overthrown football in the spread of hot girls laying out thirsty for sun and stares. The option for you to approach, spit some fire and get some digits is there but you lack confidence and you can barely breathe from the ten-yard jog. You settle for one of the girls rolling you the ball and you return to your towel only to watch a more alpha male pull the same pick up move sit down and score the digits.
Summer 2016: The dad bod has been exterminated because you have been exercising and eating clean. It’s 90 degrees and you’re back on the beach but it’s a new you. No shirt this year. Your coco brown tan is on point, you glisten with light perspiration and your skin appears ready to tear barely containing your striated muscles and bulging veins. Again, the football is over thrown into the pack of girls. This year you’re a savage, your confidence is at an all time high and you don’t even need to ask to sit down. Even behind their oversized fake designer sunglasses you can feel that they have been eye fucking you since the moment you arrived. You are strong now, that is all that matters.
Getting into shape is a daunting task. There are so many factors needing to be accounted for before you even begin to see results; opinions, exercises, supplements, asshole gym rats, excuses, costs, programs, diets, restrictions etc. Not to mention the actual act of getting into shape is not always enjoyable and takes time. And what we enjoy least in life, are things that take time.
So, created in the ashes of your failed attempts to get into shape and thrivin off your excuses has risen the Instagram certified personal trainer #fit4life #behealthy #motivationmonday #fitness #model #dedication. These “certified” personal trainers prey on your excuses and exploit your nativity; promising you results through “personalized fitness regiment with daily diet plans, catered to your goals” for a nominal cost. This is all well and good if you have the money to throw at a random person you see on Instagram who took an online personal training course, won the genetic lottery and spends who knows how long in the gym each day. But we at Methods Of A Modern Male know for a fact that you don’t have that kind of money to be spending, even if it is in the name of self-improvement.
The staff and I at MoMM are tired of the extortion of those looking to better themselves. So over the last five months we have developed, tested, tweaked and then once again tested the programs we are giving to you FOR FREE. So don’t pay for anything until you have tried this. Save the money you would be paying the random guy on Instagram. Just because he knows where the best lighting is in the gym and knows a diet and exercise regiment that is best for him doesn’t mean he knows what is best for you.
Why Methods of a Modern Male?
- It’s free and it’s that good shit… Do you need any other reasons to try this?
- There are three tiers in order to accommodate any starting point.
- The three tiers spanning 17 weeks is the result of a collaborative effort between four (real) certified personal trainers, two athletic trainers, two college weight lifting coaches, and one doctor and countless other average morons.
- We are taking the time to develop the nutritional supplement. We are sick and disgusted with the broccoli, chicken and brown rice diets that have always been part of fitness programs. Adapting an exercise regiment is hard enough; having to eat like you’re in a fucking institution is torture enough to drive away even the most motivated individuals. Therefore, we are creating our own interesting and tasty recipes, tracking the macro’s and again, giving them to you for free.
- We are honest with you. We aren’t doing this for money, we are just a group of people who are passionate about fitness and helping guys get to a better place physically and psychologically and we think that exercising is the best way to accomplish this. We know that your brain is limited and you are most successfully motivated through sex and vanity, so we use these things to our advantage, which you’re alright with.
- We are here to answer your questions and help you with things you don’t understand. Use social media, the comments section etc. to voice questions, concerns and even if you want to bitch like a child about not walking two days after leg day we will give you props for you efforts. Hashtag this shit, tag us, do whatever you do on social media to motivate yourself and share your experiences. Fuck, if you’re into gym selfies, before/after, progress pictures etc post that shit too.
- Lastly, at one point in my life I was 40 pounds over weight. I had just graduated college and didn’t know what the fuck was going on, my dad had just died, I had quit competing in elite athletics, was drinking and eating excessively and was depressed. You have your reasons for being the way you are but if you are not happy with yourself, make the change. Exercise empowered me to do things I did not think were possible and changed my life. I am a real person, I know your struggles and I know how hopeless this all might seem but I also know how to change it. These reasons are exactly why Methods Of A Modern Male exists.
Enough with the heavy emotional shit…
“The Workout” was created to meet the growing general need and desire for men our demographic to lose weight and develop lean muscle mass. Also it’s almost beach season and you’re a vain mother-fucker so we are using it to promote the program.
What we have developed for you are three tiers of exercise programs spanning 17 weeks. From Tier #1 week one day one through Tier #3 week six day five you will be not be doing the same workout twice and you will be continue to see results. All weeks and exercises build on each other. This serves the dual purpose of practicing form and technique while maximizing results.
Tier #1: Five week High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) program designed to be completed within the confines of you own home. The four day a week program will take you been 30–40 min to complete and the only necessary piece of equipment is a low or medium weight resistance band available online or at your local sporting goods store. Tier #1 will provide you with a full body workout that will yield fat loss development of lean muscle mass, practice of foundational movements that will be used in the following two tiers and beginning to develop the habit of regular exercise.
Tier #2: Six week program, four to five hours in the gym per week. This is where everyone should be starting even if you are a seasoned gym rat. The six weeks of Tier #2 flow directly into the following six weeks of Tier #3 not only with exercise progressions but also set and rep combinations. So again, regardless of who you are and where you are you should start here in order to get optimal results.
Tier#3: By the time you reach Tier #3 you will be addicted to the pump, loving the results and looking phenomenal. As you can imagine, this is the most difficult tier of the program. You will be playing with the “big boy” weights and putting the final touches on your summer body.
So again, save your money, find your motivation, do this workout and see what happens. We have had numerous people test the tiers and have, on average, shed eight to ten pounds and lost eight to nine percent body fat. And even if you have no idea what that means, it means this program fucking works and will make you look good naked.
- Checkout Methods of a Modern Male at methodsofamodernmale.com for exercise programs as well as more satirical writing aimed at personal improvement, social consciousness and what it means to be a man in the modern era.
N & G