Things you should give a shit about: cooking

Things you should give a shit about: cooking

You are (most of the time) a fully functioning adult male. You take pride and identify by the fact that you can independently navigate the various avenues of life. But as proud as you are in your abilities; you lack a major skill, you cannot cook.

Masculinity is changing. This is no surprise as Methods Of A Modern Male is predicated on the dynamicity facing our gender in contemporary society. Your goal of finding a wife that can cook and clean while you drink beer on the couch, serving you dinner in lingerie and asking if you would like a blowie after dessert is outdated and chauvinistic. Aside from the social flack you will run into as you unsuccessfully search for a “house wife” the likelihood of you finding a girl who has the ability, time and enjoys cooking for you is impossible. Furthermore, in our generation, the number of women who actually know how to cook is miniscule. Thus, you are left to your own devices and you will either learn how to fend for yourself in the kitchen or you will be stuck wasting your money eating out, ordering in and cycling through your repertoire of five meals for the next 50 years.

Let’s start here, it is not that fucking hard. I know you’re inept and I know you don’t know the first thing about cooking but they have these magical things called recipes! It is absolutely revolutionary and soon Methods Of A Modern Male will start providing them to you. Basic shit that you can put together in a short amount of time with cheap but healthy ingredients that will get you out of the monotony of cooking the same meals over and over week in and week out.

I am not telling you that you need to take cooking classes or go out and buy a bunch of pots, pans, knives, spices, food processors or any of that shit. All I am saying is that you need to try harder.


SEX AND MARKETABILITY

Women love men who can cook. It’s true. And since you are a man and your world revolves around getting your dick wet, eating, exercising and making money; cooking is important to you.

The ability to cook is a masculine characteristic and here is why: in ancient times it was the man’s responsibility to capture and/or kill animals in order to provide the family or community with sustenance. Modern society has evolved beyond this and we are no longer responsible for fulfilling this duty. However, on a primordial level, the ability to provide for yourself and others will still fuel a deep seeded flame in her loins. Furthermore, since the kitchen has traditionally be a woman’s domain, a man with the ability to cook demonstrates a capacity to be creative and learn a new skill. So with your ability to cook, you have created an entirely new method by which to market yourself to females.


HEALTH

Cooking is a life skill, which aside from it helping to get you laid, it will keep you alive and that’s important. Here are the cold hard facts:

  1. You can’t survive on take out.
  2. You can’t and shouldn’t rely on women to be the domestic ones and cook for you. Fuck, very few of them can even cook for themselves and do you really want to subject yourself to their failed attempts?
  3. If you cook for yourself you have control of what is going into your body. The immediate gratifications of being able eat out or order in is and should be maintained as an amenity and not a habit.
  4. If you are doing “The Workout” then you are already supposed to be conscientious about what you are putting into your body. Attempting to maintain any sort of “healthy” eating habits is nearly impossible when you are eating out, especially with friends who order the fully loaded nachos, two pizzas and 3 pitchers of beer because it was a hard day at the office, they worked out during their lunch break and they “deserve it.” The only thing they deserve by eating that way on a regular basis is the pale skin tire riding around their subpar midsection for the rest of their life. .
  5. Unless you live under a rock of social negligence, you know there is a rise in demand and growing popularity for consuming locally grown foods. I am not going to send it on a political rant about strictly eating local. However, by buying local you keep money in your community, you decrease ecological impacts due to shipping and ultimately end up eating higher quality, fresher and better tasting food. Also, farmers markets are hands down the best places to pick up girls and there are so many phallic shaped foods there that you can constantly be dropping subtle dick jokes.

ECONOMIC

It is a nice cushion that you finally have a steady job and a constant influx of money. But as you know, money goes quick. And it seems to disappear the fastest when you’re constantly eating out.

Think about how many times and how much money you spend on eating out a week. If it is more than 4 times a week equating to more than one hundred dollars, you probably need to make a change. Stop being lazy, plan some shit out, go to the grocery store and spend 50 or 60 dollars on food for the ENTIRE week and you’re going to be saving a substantial amount of money. By all means, eat out and enjoy the convenience that it offers, however, do it within moderation and your wallet and body will thank you.

The further you plan in advance, the more money you save. You will not be saving anything if you decide to cook five different meals in a week and need totally different ingredients for each one. You will also be wasting time and energy making multiple trips to the store for each set of ingredients. So have a plan, try to stick to that plan and when you inevitably get a craving for something else or are too tired to cook, then go out to eat.

Revisitation of sex and marketability from an economic perspective: If you’re involved with the dating scene you know how costly is it. You’re probably not, or shouldn’t immediately be taking girls to dinner that you met on Bumble or Tinder. However, if you have progressed on to a dinner date you’re probably not trying to spend the 50+ dollars it costs for two (yes you should be paying.) So suggest to her that you will cook her dinner, she can bring wine and you have your date. *If you have roommates tell them what you are doing and ask them to respect your space. I have a friend who did this and his three roommates dressed up in uniforms, lit candles, played classical and pretended to be waiters through the entire first date. Luckily she was a good sport, he got to smash and they are still together.


EXCUSES AS TO WHY YOU DON’T COOK:

Nerd- You’re a big nerd if you bring your lunch from home… You might be a nerd but you’re going to be a rich, healthy nerd that gets ladies because you can cook and you take care of yourself.

Reverse Fat Shaming- There is a weird social stigma around eating healthy, especially in groups of people. — When you are out at a business lunch, fat Alex (his obesity is due to dietary and exercise habits not medical conditions) from the IT department thinks it’s necessary to announce and mock your choice to drink water and eat salad while everyone else is mowing down on pizza and breadsticks. Well, Alex is a dickhead that eats Stoffers Meatloaf three nights a week, spends his bonuses on Farmville and supports Trump. Don’t take that shit from Alex, tell him to mind his business and go back to face-fucking his box of Ho-Ho’s.

Saying “no” is hard- You feel like a dickhead when everyone is going out to eat or drink and you don’t go. These networking opportunities are necessary but you don’t need to be drinking or eating through them. Get a soda water with lime, tell people you ate before and no one will ask you questions.

Too much of a time commitment- You don’t have the time to prepare food. You do, maybe if you didn’t get so tanked on Saturday night and didn’t sleep until 1 on Sunday you could take that morning to prepare most of your meals for the week.

I’m an idiot- We won’t be arguing with you on that but stay tuned and Methods Of A Modern Male will provide you with recipes and ideas that even a simpleton like you can understand and make.


Finally

If you made it this far, I appreciate you. So in summation, you really need to learn how to cook. Do it for yourself, do it for your wallet, the marketability to women and because you are an adult and you should be able to do it.

  • Checkout Methods of a Modern Male at methodsofamodernmale.com for exercise programs as well as more satirical writing aimed at personal improvement, social consciousness and what it means to be a man in the modern era.

Thank you,

N & G

Like what you read? Give Nikolai Dziezyc a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.