Dear Heavenly Father,

Metta Dwyer
Mar 22, 2018 · 3 min read

This is my entry for the The Writing Cooperative’s March Challenge. The challenge was to tell a story primarily in dialogue. If you like it, please clap at the end!

“Dear Heavenly Father, I-”

Yes?

“Oh. Uh, hi.”

Hello. Can I help you with something?

“Uh, I guess.”

(pause)

“Sorry. This is just… weird. Praying is usually more of a voicemail situation. I wasn’t expecting you to pick up.”

I’ve been told I need to do a better job engaging with my audience.

“You’ve been told… I… Told? By who?”

I hired a consultant.

“Wait, what? Wha… Wh-what kind of consultant?”

A business development consultant.

(long pause)

“I just… I’m having a really hard time wrapping my head around this.”

I was losing followers.

(long pause)

Are you still there?

“Yeah… yeah. I’m here. A business development consultant told you — God — that you need engage with your audience… because you’ve been losing followers.”

Among other things. I’m supposed to work on content creation, too.

“Content creation?”

Yes. My only content is very old.

“I mean, yes. But it’s still pretty popular. Isn’t it the bestseller every year? I thought I read that somewhere.”

Yes, but that isn’t quality engagement. People buy it but they usually only actually read a few passages. And they don’t become followers.

“Okay… I can see that.”

I want you to feel valued, but I do have several million other people to get to. Was there something you wanted?

“Right. Yes. Well..”

Yes?

“I’m sorry, it’s just now that you’re actually responding, it seems so trivial.”

That’s pretty common, actually.

“Oh… is that annoying for you?”

Not really. It breaks up the more serious stuff.

“Oh, good. Well, I just… I went on a date last night, first one since my divorce, and I was just going to pray that I don’t ever have another date that bad.”

Huh. Well, I can’t guarantee anything, but I’ll keep it in mind.

“You can’t guarantee anything? Can’t you do whatever you want?”

Well, yes, but my followers have competing interests. I can’t possibly give every one exactly what they want.

“But why not? You’re omnipotent.”

Yes, but I’m still bound by laws of logic. For example, the woman you went on a date with, she prayed that the two of you will have a thousand dates just like that one.

“Oh. Really? That was a good date for her? That’s depressing.”

You’re missing the point. The point is I cannot grant both her request and yours. So, I just try to keep everything in mind and do the best I can.

“Huh. Okay.”

You sound disappointed.

“No. I guess… I just thought you’d be different.”

Different how?

“Nevermind. It’s not important. Don’t you need to get to your other followers?”

Different how?

“It’s really not that big a deal.”

Different how?

“I don’t know! Like more powerful. It never occurred to me that you wouldn’t be able to do something.”

I’m not powerful enough for you? Oh, I’ll show you powerful. Nothing says power like a good smitin — Just a second. Hang on.

(long pause)

My consultant has told me I need to exit this conversation quickly. If you’ve been satisfied with this interaction, please follow me and recommend me to your friends. Have a nice night!

Metta Dwyer

Written by

I’m a writer, mom of three, telephile, and former attorney.

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