I am withdrawing my endorsement of Burger King Cheetos Chicken Fries

I am a Christian, a father, and an upstanding member of the Greasy Ol’ Party, in that order. And all of us should respect the wishes of millions of eaters across these United States who participated in the ordering process and chose Burger King Cheetos Chicken Fries as our party’s nominee. But while I continue to respect those who eat Burger King Cheetos Chicken Fries, I can no longer support that food.

It is well known that Burger King Cheetos Chicken Fries and I differ on many policy issues. To build a wall between American food and Mexican food is fiscally irresponsible and logistically impossible. Our nation is a melting pot, a true fusion cuisine, and to lay the blame for our problems at the feet of Mexico’s fine culinary traditions ignores the many great burritos, tacos, and quesadillas that nourish this nation. That is only a taste of the unrealistic, bombastic, and dangerously cheesy promises that Burger King Cheetos Chicken Fries have shouted from the stump.

As I have said publicly before, I have many concerns about the character and temperament of Burger King Cheetos Chicken Fries. They are limp and thin-skinned, with a fake orange coating that lacks the stamina to hold up against the heat lamp. Burger King Cheetos Chicken Fries claim to be a business success, creating new jobs for franchises in tremendous towns such as Atlantic City and West Palm Beach. Yet the fries refuse to release meaningful sales figures and documents to substantiate these claims, feeding into the notion that the Big King debacle of 1990s allowed Burger King to avoid years of taxes. Worst of all, Burger King Cheetos Chicken Fries have repeatedly courted all-white-meat hate groups.

There are no excuses for the offensive and demeaning comments made by Burger King Cheetos Chicken Fries in the recently released video. If people do not want to eat Cheetos Chicken Fries, then that food should not force itself on their mouths. No diner should ever be victimized by being grabbed “by the flavor hole.” This conduct is despicable and I can no longer stand idly by.

As husband to my wife of twenty years, and the father of two lovely, Christian daughters, I can only imagine the pain and terror of being forced to consume Burger King Cheetos Chicken Fries.

I consider myself a culinary outsider. I think America is hungry for a menu item from outside the fast food beltway. But we must reckon with Burger King Cheetos Chicken Fries for what they really are, a shallow and obnoxious creation of marketing, media attention and brand-name recognition that was never intended to provide a satisfying meal for America. I, for one, believe Burger King Cheetos Chicken Fries never took this election seriously, given the swirling rumors about the impending launch of Chicken Fries cable network.

This November, I will not be ordering Burger King Cheetos Chicken Fries. I believe that food should withdraw itself from the menu, and that Boston Market Mashed Potatoes should be the party nominee effective immediately.

Signed,

Sen. Jack Ranchero (R–Tex-Mex)