I’ve been mostly a lonely person for most of my “young-adult” life.

In other words, I’ve avoided complex relationships and strong social bonds with other human beings as much as I could, for the single reason that I enjoy my own company and I’m scared enough of commitment to not dive in. Just to clarify, I’m talking about meaningful, romantic relationships (read: dating and having a partner)

Through my high school years, I saw how all of my friends dated and had these complicated, stressful, exhausting-to-listen-to relationships (because, of course, they usually let out all the bad and forgot to mention the cute, nice, cozy part of having a boyfriend/girlfriend) all the while, I pretended I knew a lot about something I never really experienced until a couple months back; in my head: i knew better than them, i was this free, independent person that could never get attached and somehow become dependent on someone else for my emotional stability and happiness, i would never give into that pathetic world of owing explanations to anyone or be aware of someone else’s needs and feelings, because, life was too short for that bullshit, right? Why would I need to pay attention to everything I do, say or even think? As even the thought of betraying that person’s trust can creep down your spine if you care enough.

Relationships just seemed way too complicated for my lazy brain and selfishness.

… and they kinda are.

When you start a relationship, when you finally stop fighting that wall in your brain that tells you to not let anyone in no matter what and when that person is good enough to break through that wall, you become vulnerable, whether you like it or not. Being in a relationship means sharing (ridiculous, I know) and sharing means you expose yourself to feel and, in consequence, to get hurt.

When you’re used to loneliness —which is a completely good thing, unless you go to the extreme— and may I add, [you] are somewhat of an egocentric, it can be confusing when you start a relationship. Why? ‘cause you’re used to you. It’s always been you and you, and suddenly there’s someone else and both of your you’s don’t know where to put the other person or how to treat it, so it’s hard, maybe, for most. You still think you can go around doing things as you please, but not really, because now some else is counting on you for certain stuff (define stuff as you please).

You [I] thought you’d stay the same i-don’t-give-a-fuck kinda person and you’d never depend on anyone even when in a relationship, because, hell, that’s what every single feminist bullshitter tells you, right? “A woman should never depend on her partner. Being vulnerable is such a piece of bs.”

But no, perfect relationships don’t exist because perfect human beings are such an utopia. Human beings lack stuff as they exceed on others, we’re all vulnerable at times, we all feel the need of some else’s embrace and support, we all feel dependant at times, even if we don’t wanna feel that way. We feel even if we hate it. (The irony)

There’s a fine line between loneliness and closeness.

One day you can be chilling around without a care in the world and the next you can meet a person you have no idea will change the way you behave. think and feel (for good, hopefully) so much. That “wall” most of us build at some stage in our life’s, it’s actually pretty damn fragile, it’s not even a slightly resistant wall, in reality, it’s probably made out of play-doh but regular people usually just poke that wall and let it be, instead, there’s few people that will actually be like “god damn I hate fucking play doh I’m gonna tear it apart”. Those kinda people are the one we should allow ourselves be vulnerable for.

So, loneliness, is a rather simple concept, it has, for me, been a defense mechanism. I build my play-doh wall every now and then, even now that i’m in a relationship. I never get to build it far up anyways. For sure, you can be lonely and happy; I was, indeed. I am happy as well, now that I am in a relationship, except I allow myself to feel more: love more, care more and specially, hurt more, because even when it’s not intentional, you can never know how the other person’s actions will affect you, and neither can they cause as stated before, human beings are not perfect and we can’t read each other’s minds. Would I rather be lonely and with the security that I won’t get hurt or accompanied and with fluctuating emotions? I don’t know, that’s probably why I wrote this, because I’m still confused by the idea of letting someone’s actions and thoughts influence your feelings so much (again, whether it’s for good or for bad) instead of going around minding your own business.

What is certain is that there’s not many feelings that can compare to the idea of sharing what most important to you with someone, the little things, the loving smile of someone that really cares about you, the morning and goodnight texts… Just stuff that make it all worth.