How to Show Up for Someone Grieving

I’ve had the unfortunate experience of losing the person I loved most in this world. At times it felt like this photo: raw, angry, and sad beyond belief. Other times I can see the gift of loss, because I’ve had the honor of being there for people who are experiencing the unimaginable pain of losing someone they love.
The first thing I want to say to anyone who is grieving, supporting someone else who is grieving, or is doing both (as many of us are put in that impossible position).
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And to put it lightly, people do crazy shit when their world is slipping away. Or abruptly changed. You shouldn’t be sleeping more or taking care of yourself any differently than you are… because you’re doing the best you can. I know this in the bottom of my heart.
When someone you know is going through the unspeakable — whether fast or slowly — losing someone to a degenerative disease, or a sudden loss from an accident — the most important thing you can do is show up. And be honest.
Part one: Show up.
Part two: Be honest with what you can offer.
Repeat steps one and two often.
An example: my friend is losing her mother, it is slow and unpredictable. I remember my experience of losing my mom so in this exact scenario I have great empathy. This friend and I hadn’t talked in months and I heard through a friend this was happening. Online she had gone silent and we weren’t super close. But I knew how to show up.
I said, “What would make this easy for you?” If someone has an answer, great! Do that. If someone is overwhelmed they may not have an answer. This is normal. Too many big decisions, feelings, and uncertainty make deciding where to have dinner a bigger task than it seems. So one huge suggestion I have is show up and plan things based on what you know. “Hey, how about Tuesday night we have dinner? I can come pick you up. Would that work?”
It takes the pressure off and helps them focus on one decision — yes or no. Not oh god, where? when? how? What? And always follow up with, “I’ll check in that day and see if you’re feeling up for it.”
Then the day comes, and again… showing up, honestly may look like this. “I’m so glad to see you, and listen, we don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. So if you need to process, I’m here to listen, or if you want total distraction we can look at cat memes. Sound good?” Some of us need whiskey, others need cake, Disney movies, comic books, a walk in the park, or just to talk about the hell that is taking place in their world.
Know that this person’s world is shifting minute to minute and they may be angry, sad, closed off, destructive, putting on a good face, or massively compartmentalizing. One of the moments that stays with me strongly is back in college, I lost a dear friend back home. And before leaving to attend the funeral, I was in the cafeteria and said something curt to a friend. She said, “I know you’re grieving but you don’t have to be mean.” It blew my mind. She set a really firm boundary with me, and called me out. Which of course in the moment I didn’t appreciate, but really informed how I grieved years later.
Grief is not a permission slip from the universe to spray your shit all over everyone around you. Especially when the people close to you are doing the best they can with what they’ve got. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, or in this case, makes sure you eat food that day. Or holds your hand when you’re crying. Or doesn’t know what you need, but offers to come over one night next week.
When your world is changing there is nothing anyone can do to stop it… that’s the worst part. The powerlessness you feel. Grief is a strange thing our culture doesn’t teach us to deal with. And grief can be any type of loss, people experience the same feelings when they lose a cat, as when they lose their job. Or their husband or their home. Grief is a layered and powerful teacher.
For now, I’ll just say that if you’re with someone grieving, know that it’s ok to say, “Hey, I’m here. And I don’t know what to say. But I’m not going anywhere.” And if you can’t say that… don’t. It’s ok. Show up honestly. It counts more than you know.
