SoaF #1: Even If It’s Hard, I’ll Try to Fix My Life
Hello this the first episode of “Story of a Friend” by me about people around me that I care dearly. This is done by interviewing them face-to-face in Bahasa and I record it, then at home I translate the recording to English. The recording is left uncut as much as possible . The quoted ones are their answers, while what I said are in bold texts. Hope you enjoy their stories and my writing :)
P.S. There should be a photo of the person, but I still won’t put it here first since I haven’t asked for their permission.
“I was a fragile person, physically and mentally. I used to live independently, far from parents, far from family, even though there’s some family members here. What else? The point is I’m edgy.”
Edgy?
“Yeah, edgy… *chuckles* What else?”
So when did your parents leave you?
“In third grade, my father left me. In sixth grade,… Oh wait but that was temporarily. He came home twice a year. Since I was a ninth grader, they had gone, both of them. They rarely came home, once in two years or three. In seventh grade, I lived at dorm so that (at the time my parents left me) I was used to it.”
Okay, did you get hard feelings when your parents leave you?
“Um… Mostly sad but also pitied them. They went there (to US) not without any reason, it was not what they wanted. If they were able to choose, they’d be home right away. But yeah… that’s life”
*sigh* That’s rough, buddy
*chuckles*
Don’t you have any hard feeling or grudge towards your parents?
“Well, at first I was grudging. There was an envy for people with parents here, but as day went by, I understood more about my parents’ condition. Clearly, I couldn’t obtrude upon them.”
So what condition is it that made you understand your parents more?
“So, in 2006 Fullhouses (his parents’ furniture company) was growing and considered a success, but there was a weakness on its business model. The fund was obtained from the customers. They paid for the down payment first and the furniture would be delivered. A lot of people came and thought Fullhouses was a reliable company, until one day someone ordered big; worth of billions rupiah. The company delivered, with trucks, but the down payment was insufficient. Tempted by the revenue that they could make, they took the risk and eventually got scammed. In 2006, logistic and delivery company wasn’t a big deal, so it was hard to track down that order. They were head over heels in debt that they had to go there (US). Started new business there, I can say that they were back on the feet. Soon, they’ll pay off their debts. In a nutshell.”
So, all this time they’re still trying to get out of debts?
“Actually, they could’ve paid off their debts a long time ago, but you know… there were some untrustworthy banks. Some increased the rate deliberately. So they asked for mediation to Bank Indonesia and they couldn’t do anything about it.”
Do you want to share about yourself further?
“Well, I’m afraid of being alone. Umm… I think that’s it.”
What about the story about… you know…
“I’m actually looking for someone new; trying to move on. You know… people say falling in love is the best way to move on.”
I wanna ask, from all of your family members, is there anyone that knows about your health condition?
“There was a time that my mother knew and she overreacted. She told almost everyone, when I actually told it just for her. Since then, I just keep it to myself until she’s home.”
Ohh.. So that’s why you never tell your parents when you’re sick in Bandung?
“Actually when I’m sick physically, I still tell them. It’s just that I don’t want to weigh on them. They already have their own worries there, so why must I add more to them when it’s happening frequently here? Pessimistic is merely temporary. But the last time I was sick, my brother was sick as well, so that was why (my mom came home).”
What about your… *cues for mentality* but it’s okay if you don’t want to share it.
“Ahh.. well… I was asking whether everyone hears these voices like mine. Before I went to sleep, there was something bugging me out. I thought it was djinn or satan, so I read Ayat Qursi and others. As time went by, the condition became worse. There were more voices. Until then, I realized it was not something normal. I got dizziness and my head felt like to explode.”
Does it feel better now?
“So apparently there are three voices. The first one is the mean, angry voice. The second one is a support voice. The other one is the voice that invites to hail satan. The third one is absurd. The first and the second ones are no longer. The third one apparently still creeps before I sleep, randomly. I’m whispered and screamed to hail satan.”
Do you want to get rid of it, or stay with the voices?
“Actually I wanted to get rid of it, but I’m still afraid to go to places that cure my condition.”
It’s affected by mood, isn’t it?
“Mostly, yeah.”
Ok.. So sometimes me and other friends are talking about you over your life schedule. We concerned on how you get your life together. We talked about how you set your priority when you were sick.
“I’d like to rearrange my life. Sometimes I still need a ‘punch in the face’ to realize it.”
We also want to help you so much, but you also tend to avoid us, like what your second mood does.
“Oh.. like the happy go lucky one?”
No, not the happy go lucky one. The other one.
“Oh.. the silent one.”
The silent one. It is the hard one to talk to.
“When I stay silent, I’m not aware of my surrounding. Like when I’m silent for a day, it feels like I’m daydreaming the whole time and suddenly time went by. I still don’t know what the trigger is. Maybe a mental problem too, but I still don’t know.”
Okay… so is there anything you want to talk about?
“I’m always afraid to make others upset. You know when I had it with *****? *laughs* It was silly. I don’t want to take the blame, but on the other hand I don’t want to make others angry at me.”
Well at some points he was wrong too, because you had apologized and he doubted it.
“It was like.. um… there was a conflict with myself. So then I apologized. The point is I don’t want you guys get mad at me. So as much as possible, I try to fix my mistakes.”
