Mark McHale
Jul 30, 2017 · 6 min read

The Cool Overlord:

Somewhere in the deepest reaches of our galaxy resides a Council. A Council of Cool to be specific. The job of this Council is to draft plans, create content, design fashions and start culture movements, etc etc. All in the name of ‘Cool’. Their final draft of any plan is then taken to a last office for review, before then being made policy and implemented.

Here in this lair ( i called it an office earlier, but office is more an administration term and anyhow lair is much cooler and adds to the mystery) the councils best work will either be given the green light or confined to the dustbin of history.

The system which they operate under can only be described as a friendly, ruthless dictatorship. If ever existed such a thing? All things due to be designated cool by the council, are agreed here before submitting their finished work to the next phase.

Their draft is then sent to the master of all things awesome,cool and epic. The one and only ‘Cool Overlord’. This is not his title, but actually his name.

Cool Overlord reviews the Councils work, on what they deem should be cool and relevant for the coming months and years. His reviewing method is a pretty black and white process. Its either ‘In’ or its ‘Out’, end of. Having eliminated from the Councils draft what he can live without and added in his own ideas. The draft is passed on to his secretary to be edited and the necessary amendments finalised.

His secretary, Awesome Sauce ( yes that’s her real name ) is a diligent and conscientious employee, who takes great pride in her work.

Howeverrrr… Awesome Sauce doesn't entirely agree with the ideas of the council and Cool Overlords choices. You see, she recognised sometime ago that her position allowed her a unique advantage in which to alter the contents of the final ‘Cool’ draft. Before handing it back to the council. She knows the council will never question the Overlords decisions and proceeds to add her own ideas on cool.

It has to be said, what Awesome Sauce thinks is cool leaves a lot to be desired. She is a younger version of ‘Roz’ the secretary from Monsters Inc. So not a lot going on in terms of coolness really?. The changes she has made to earlier plans, has resulted in us having to suffer things such as those- nauseating duck pouting faces that so many girls make in selfies, ugg boots ( uggs are not cool and never will be, so sayeth the ‘Cool Overlord’ ) crucifying every text message with emoji’s, plastic chokers, the list is endless.

Having made the necessary edits for Cool Overlord. The amended plan is then handed to an errand boy ( in digital format on an iPad ) which he delivers to the Overlord, so he can add his digital signature.

The errand boy, ‘#deathtoallhipsters’ ( again, yes that’s his real name )( real name Seth ) is in actual fact a hipster, moonlighting as a normie. He changed his name by deed poll before applying for the position. Which by the way was a sure in with a name like that and the fact Awesome Sauce is his sister. (Always who you know ). For brevity's sake we will shorten his name to #DTAH ( damn hipsters always have to be difficult with their hip names and hip clothes ).

#DTAH is a computer wiz and he too has taken advantage of his skills and position. He is fully aware of Cool Overlords trust in Awesome Sauce and her work. On many occasions he noticed the Overlord signs the draft without re-reading and hands it back to him. He then delivers it back to Awesome Sauce, who then hands it to the Council, who then deploys it to strategic key points through the internet.

So, #DTAH with the draft on route to Cool Overlord, takes a very brief detour. Where he sets about making his own edit and placing in his own crap. His edits over the years has had us suffering, stool water phrases like… ‘rad’ and ‘thebomb.com’. Other things such as Croc sandles ( fuck i hate croc’s ) and those silicone wristbands with social causes printed on them. Because wearing those bands will help solve the worlds problems, one band at a time? And a mountain of other hipster additions that we could have lived without.

Awesome Sauce on receiving the now re-re-edited plan from #DTAH, makes her way to hand off the final draft to the Council CEO, namely ‘Drama Central’ ( that’s his name and i didn't give it to him ). But, the plan yet again gets twisted. Drama Central, on his way to the Council Chamber meets with ( and has the full backing of those in the council ) his secret operative, ‘Ineed Validation’. To whom he hands a small list of provocative material that will be spread on social media.

This list, is at the back of many arguments on facebook,twitter etc. See Drama Central loves drama and thinks its cool.( the hint is in his name, drama by name, drama by nature ). He loves to see masses of individuals arguing over shit, that in the big scheme of things doesn't really matter. And its ‘Ineed Validations’ job to make sure this is spread efficiently.

( I mean for fuck sake people, go find something more constructive to do. Rather than spewing your emotional poison all over social media in the hopes that your status will be elevated. Because you point of view matters matters?No it does not and nobody cares - So Sayeth the Cool Overlord )

A major part of every cool plan, is that for every 5 years after your 30th birthday your cool factor is reduced by 10%–20% and this coolness is handed off to those younger than you. Till you eventually become irrelevant- Damn you Cool Overlord, i will fight this to the bitter end.

This is how things that are cool get to be cool. The whole journey had been twisted, meddled in and interrupted from the get go. Too many cooks and all that.

Not so quick though. Under Cool Overlords ever vigilant scrutiny he was seeing continual incidences of things, he had not signed off on. “How could this be” he said in a deep soulful tone, quite similar to the works of Barry White. To that end, he assembled a covert team to root out the sources responsible for destroying his doctrine of cool.

As time passed one by one the culprits were apprehended ( Awesome Sauce, #deathtoallhipsters, Ineed Validation and Drama Central ) dealt with accordingly and their changes to the plan forced to die a death.

As part of this operation, massive alterations ensued, so as to ensure this could never happen again. Awesome Sauce was banished to work in an office in some dead end town, sorting data spread sheets ( soo not cool ) forever and now goes by standard name of Mary Smith.

#deathtoallhipsters penalty was, as luck would have it quite ironic. He was bound, kept in a room and forced to watch months of hipster type tv. Till he finally went insane, stopped eating and passed away. ( go riddens, so sayeth the Cool Overlord ).

Ineed Validation ( the secret operative ) now flips burgers in some diner in the suburbs and now goes by the name of John Brown. His James Bond-esq days now finished.

Council CEO, Drama Central and the entire Council have been forced to have their name changed. Forever more the once proud Cool Council will now be called ‘On Fleek’. This demoralising name a constant reminder to them of whose really in charge. And, as a final nail in the coffin.They can no longer make submissions on whats hot or whats not to the overlord.

Cool Overlord for his part in this re-shuffle and reorganisation. Has made it, that all words, phrases and all things ‘cool’ associated. Be changed with immediate effect. Cool is longer cool. Cool will now be ‘ill’ of ‘fire’.

To further his commitment to the process, He has renamed himself.

Cool Overlord will now be known as “THE HYPE LIT 100" ( what an awesome fuckin name ). These shakeups have become regular occurrences and happen at undetermined times. So as to keep everybody on their toes and guessing (even the hipsters )

So… Whats ‘Fire’ today, might be ‘Solar’ tomorrow??

Who knows whats on the horizon until ‘THE HYPE LIT 100' in his ultimate wisdom makes the next shuffle.

So ends the life of Cool and so begins the life of, on Fleek and Lit and 100 and Fire.

Thank you for reading and i appreciate the time you have spent here.

Mark xxx

Mark McHale

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