As life is morphing into something new I have to let go of the old to make room for change. I have to let go of something “ugly” to make room for something beautiful.
If you keep adding to your life it will become full and as it starts pouring over it might get harder to enjoy it. Today I am getting married and next month I am becoming a father. This will be my top priority. Since my top priority is changing I have to let go of something equally large. For me this means kicking out what used to be number one; my career. I can’t picture a single scenario where there will be room for both and to be completely honest I don’t think I ever truly enjoyed it anyway.
Even though I didn’t enjoy it I identify with it and therein lies the problem. To leave ones identity behind is painfully hard. Identity death or ego death if you will feels like when someone close to you is dying. I know how long i have left of my career and as the date come closer I can feel the sadness rise.
Isn’t this ridiculous how much we attached to our identity? We are not our jobs, we are not our ideas and we are definitely not our emotions either. This sadness isn’t me at all and the only way to release it and let go of what i thought I was is to feel it, mourn it and be with it. I find it an amazingly beautiful feeling and I don’t need comfort or distraction. If anything I want to feel it even stronger. I wish to bathe in this sadness and feel it to the max. I am not my profession, I am not my profession, I am not my profession!
There are so many emotions bubbling up, so many questions that I ask myself.
- Did I just waste 16 years of my life?
- What do I have to show for the past 16 years?
- Was it worth it?
- Did I become as good as I set out to become?
- Should I have switched career earlier?
- Should I have done something different?
- Where did all the money I earned go?
For the past 16 years I haven’t really questioned anything. I have been in reactive mode; always doing something and never truly reflecting on my choices. Now I am forcing myself to reevaluate everything. To feel everything and to listen to my heart’s desire.
There are so many things that I want to have time for.
Number one and two are my wife, my unborn daughter and our two dogs.
Number three: I want to work with people instead of computers. I have a strong dislike for computers. To put it in words I that my wife has told me not to use when writing: I fucking hate computers.
Number four: I want to make more music! This is love and healing to me and I honestly couldn’t care less about making money or becoming famous. I want to use music for healing, for fun and for dancing (which is kind of the same)
Number five: Writing! This is both fun and healing for me. It gives me an outlet to preach what I practice. Again, not interested in making this into money. I will just keep preaching here on medium and whoever listens listens. If I can reach even one person it will be worth it.
Number six: Yoga! I am finally starting to get what yoga is about. My mind was blown away today when I did something with ease that used to be challenging and I realized that the only thing that changed is that my thinking is less rigid. Super excited about deepening my yoga practice with this knowledge. I am sure it will be very helpful in how I embrace my practice.
Number seven: Meditation! This has been shown to me to be the cure for many problems. Not so much a direct solution for specific problems but definitely a good way of avoiding creating them in the first place.
How am I going to support the family? With my love and my presence. I have a year to figure something out. Being stuck in something I don’t like doing just because it is safe isn’t going to make me the best father and husband I can be.