What It’s Like to Lose Your Heart to Someone
Some days are different from others. Some days are shinny and bright, where everything is nice and nothing hurts. Some days make you so happy, it hurts to breath. Those are the days when you get to hold someone you love close, or go somewhere you’ve always dreamed. Then there are days like today. Days when it takes everything you have not to sob in public or walk in front of a car because to you, that would hurt less than the hurt your heart is feeling.
It’s an interesting feeling, you know, to give someone you never thought would mean anything your whole life. In one fail swoop, realizing that they meant the world to you, and that goodbye is inevitable. When I met him, I thought it would just be one of those things, where you hangout once or twice and never speak again. I remember seeing him in person for the first time and thinking to myself, I know he’s nice, but he’s not my type at all. And for a while, he wasn’t. He was the guy my friends asked when I was going to stop seeing him, and why he was still around. And for that same while, I wasn’t sure, but what I did know was that there was something about him that kept calling me back.
Then all at once, there was a morning when I understood why. I saw all of his flaws laid out in front of him, and I wanted to pick up everyone of them and kiss them until he didn’t think they were flaws anymore either. I should have known then he would be a hard habit to kick. If I had known then what I know now, I never would have let myself be so careless to care so much for him. Because deep down I knew we had an end date.
What I didn’t know, though, was how much it was going to hurt to leave him. I didn’t know that I would feel like I was falling with nothing to grab onto for support. I had no idea that having to leave him would be so raw, and that it would hurt him as much as it hurt me, at least that’s what I thought. Honestly, I still don’t know how he feels about the whole time we were together.
Although there are a lot of things I don’t know, and a lot of things that will remain unanswered questions for the rest of my life, there is one thing I do know. Somewhere along the way, I got so caught up in how truly happy I was when I was with him that I was blind to the fact that I fell madly in love with a man who could never really be mine. When it finally hit me how much I loved him, there was no turning back because it was too late for me to not feel how much power comes with words like that.
It was then, in that moment when I realized that I loved him with my whole heart, that I also knew how much pain I was about to endure. How every fiber of my being was going to long for him to just hold my hand one last time, or kiss my forehead while watching a movie, or kiss me goodnight with the tenderness of a saint. I knew that I would never be able to feel the same way for another person, because I had nothing left to give. I had spread myself so thin for other people, that I devoted everything I could to him, because that’s how much I cared. For him, I would have crossed the universe.
This man, who I never thought would have been what was right for me, turned out be exactly what I needed. He was everything I wanted, and he knew parts of the deepest corners of my soul that not another single person will ever hear, because with him I was safe. It was in that safety net that I lost sight of what was coming, and in the blindside I was broken for the very last time. While I sit here and write this, I am trying to pick up the pieces. Everyday I am trying to get the little parts of me back, the parts of me that were never touched by him. And while I sit here and write this, I know when I go to bed tonight I will feel his arms around me again, because sleep is the one place I can never escape him.