The beautiful mess of hard times.

Going through hard times can bring out our best and worse. These days I waver between feeling really thankful for a soft place to land when I don’t have much and falling trap to a deep gnawing worry about how to make ends meet.
On days when I wish I could pull the covers over my head instead of face reality, I take a deep breath and try to talk to my 70-yr-old self, she reminds me it will be a blink and a memory soon enough which helps me drink my coffee and budget my groceries and try and allow my husband to figure out his stuff without judgement or pressure — but I fail at that sometimes. We always take out our stresses on the ones closest to us.
One thing I know for sure is I definitely appreciate all the help I’ve received. Being cared for when you’re down is so humbling yet life-saving. Having been on the receiving end, I hope someday I’ll be able to give back more fully. The juice of humanity is definitely in those moments, and if I’ve learned a slice about life, it’s that if I want to have a good day — reach out and help someone else.
It’s an interesting journey, somedays I shake my head at the paths, decisions and crooks and crannies I’ve taken and wonder why would I want to go through all these valleys — but then I remember the hills, the mountain top moments. I wouldn’t trade them — I just hope maybe I’ll get the learnings and strength I need, because some days I still feel very unprepared.
So yes, my musings these days. Fear of failure, guilt for not being the best partner, mother, provider, friend, sister, daughter, I could be and also a deep thankfulness for all the amazing people in my life and a strong hope for more experiences, more living, goose bump moments, happy tears, outbursts of songs and heart-tugging connections. To know joy, you’ve gotta know sorrow too and to truly learn about unconditional, you’ve gotta make mistakes and accept your flaws.
It’s such a beautiful mess and writing this down makes it feel just a little bit clearer, a little bit better.
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