Who am I?

As always, I would wake up to the tender love of my mother; toys, kisses etc, but I couldn’t help but wonder what was outside these closed doors and blackened windows. Once, I tried to peek outside and my mother broke down in tears so I never dared to do it again.

Freak, monster, thing. I wonder why father hated me so much. I’ve never done anything against him. How could I? I was only a child. I just couldn’t understand the contrast. The unconditional love vs the insurmountable hatred. Yet, in my childish imperfect world I was happy. My mother’s love proved to be more than enough to eclipse my father’s anger.

As always, there were fights. The fights were heated and passionate yet never physical. One day after a particularly loud fight my mother said to me,

“Today you are going out. But promise me something, that you will never take off this mask.”

For the first time in my life I was going to feel the wind, see the trees, hear birds sing, things I’ve heard of only in bed time stories. Apparently that day, there was a children’s costume party. I was supposed to fit in. For the first time ever I saw a park, and other children. As my eyes opened wide, I asked my mother if I could go play and she said yes. As I climbed the stairs of the children’s park it was evident that I was much faster and stronger than all the other children around me. But nothing seemed to matter as I felt such intense freedom that I couldn’t hear my mother’s cries.

“Son, time to go home.” she said, “ time to go.”

Everything seemed surreal for a moment. Time moved in slow motion and I was enjoying myself to the point I lost track of reality until suddenly, I heard a loud scream. It was my mother. She was shaking and screaming. She was desperate for me to get down so we could go. As I looked around I saw everyone was looking at me, shocked, surprised, scared. What were they so afraid of? I was just a child playing in the park. Another child pushed me and I fell. My mask broke in two and everyone started running in panic .

There was this girl facing me, obviously she was way beyond scared. She was petrified, she couldn’t move. I could clearly see there was something wrong with her legs. She couldn’t walk, so I reached out to her, to help her. For a while she was there frozen in fear. I don’t know what it was but I sensed that in her heart she knew I was not going to hurt her and reached back.

“Your hands are cold” she said.

Never in my mind did this thought ever cross my mind. My mom was so kind and loving that I never noticed any difference between me and her. Confused, the frightened girl said to me,

“Do you know what you are?”

As thoughts lingered in my head I saw a reflection in her glasses…

“A machine, an Ustur, the last of your kind.” she said.

What does that even mean? I was so caught up in the moment I didn’t realize what was going on around me. People were frantically screaming as if their very lives were in danger.

“What am I?” I asked my mom.

She didn’t even have time to breathe. She just grabbed me and ran.

“Not now.” she said.

Never in my life have I seen her so scared. We rushed to the car. She pressed the gas pedal to an extent I was scared for my life. I began to see myself. The machine, the android plastered all over billboards. I knew it was my face yet it was so alien to me. How can a machine feel fear for his life? What was I?

When everything went blank, mom’s voice faded away, I never felt so alone in my life. I opened my eyes and my mom was carrying me as we were winding through the woods. What had just happened? It took me but a second to realize the car was in flames. We had just crashed and my mom could barely walk yet somehow managed to protect me.

“Mom, I can carry you.” I said.

“ No way.” she mumbled. “Either I carry you or we both die right here right now.” I said, she agreed.

I never realized how light she actually was. I did notice in the park that I had more stamina than all those kids. After all, I’m an Ustur, not a human, not a Mud. That’s what the girl said.

We arrived at a cabin in the woods. Stocked with food, water, supplies etc, that could have lasted years. My fathers hatred became crystal clear: Thing, machine, freak, monster. I wasn’t like them after all but what was I? Just a machine? I don’t know. Somehow I felt loved. I smiled. Can a machine truly do that?

My mom fainted in my arms. I knew how to heal her. I don’t know how but I just did. She slept peacefully in bed as I caressed her face. Even though I could not cry I felt a profound sense of sadness. Why were they trying to kill me? Sure I was different but I just needed to know to understand.

“Survive.” A voice in my head just said, “survive”. This is going to sound ironic but for the first time in my life I felt like a machine. I had no control. As if a program inside me was controlling my movements, my thoughts, I felt the urge to go but I couldn’t leave behind the person who had raised me. I just could not.

I woke up alone in the middle of the woods. Mother was nowhere to be seen.

“Survive” yet again, it was just resonating in my head.

I knew exactly where I needed to go, I don’t know how but I knew, I felt a bullet, I didn’t have much time to think so I just ran, guided by that voice to survive. I ran and ran and ran for hours. Until I stumbled upon a graveyard. They were machines just like me but all destroyed, or so I thought. Amidst the metal corpses I heard a faint voice.

“Survive” she said, as I came closer to have a look.

I was seriously wounded. A bullet had pierced my metal skin and I couldn’t run any longer. It seemed like this would be the end for me.

“Survive”, the voice in my head was now screaming.

I couldn’t hear anything other than that voice despite the fact that I was being shot at from all directions. The voice was louder than the bullets. Something inside me told me that if I manage to keep on going I’ll make it. I don’t know what happened next. The pain and the agony were too much for my body to take. But somehow I felt that benevolent voice telling me to keep on going. At one point I lost complete control. I was no longer human. I was nothing but a machine.

Hundreds of years had flashed before my eyes in mere seconds. The story of my people, a peace treaty gone wrong, a leader that became a despot, stolen data, an artificial intelligence gone rogue. The slaving of humanity, of the Oni. Once our brothers, now our slaves. But as machines, we had a fatal flaw. A virus killed us all, or so they thought. Yet here I am alive. Shielded from harm by a mountain of corpses, their death protected me, until a benevolent soul found me alone in the desert.

“Survive.” said the voice yet again.

I thought I had found her but I was wrong. When I opened my eyes, all the Ustur had woken up from their slumber. I didn’t have time to process what had happened when I heard my mom’s voice,

“son”, she said,

she had tracked me. After all I am a machine I suppose. It just makes me feel less human.

Without hesitation I ran into her arms but was stopped. A female Ustur grabbed my arm , but she could not stop me from reaching out to my mom, when all of a sudden the Ustur screamed,

“Survive my son, survive”.

Who was my mother? Who was I? I had never questioned this in my life but there was no time to think as the Ustur was going to kill my mom, so I shielded her and said,

“ If you kill her you’ve got to kill me.”

I could feel the sadness in the Usturs voice… all my life had been a lie… who was I supposed to call mom, I didn’t really know any longer. Confusion, anguish, pain, it all came down crashing, it all went blank. I don’t remember anything except for the soothing voice of the woman who raised me gently whispering in my ear,

“My son”

“What am I ?” I screamed, and the female Ustur replied,

“ Our last hope, you are the reason why we are all alive.”

As I turn my eyes to look at my people, the one I’ve called mom all these years said to me:

“A sentient machine. You may not be human like me or like your father but for all intents and purposes you feel, you laugh, you love, you are more human than many people I know ”

I heard footsteps approaching. My protector, the one who had truly loved me said,

“ Son, we have to go”.

“Survive ”. I heard that voice again.

As I looked back I remembered who my real mother was. A cave, a kiss, a program, one last hope for a once glorious race. It felt like betrayal though. There was the woman who raised me and my real mother and I was caught in between. I had no time to pick as humanity chose for me.

Bullets started flying. The female Ustur grabbed me. As I looked in the distance I saw my mom one last time as she muttered these words:

“The first to arrive at the universe’s next frontier is the first to knock on the gates of prosperity.” — Ustur leader.

Said the leader who sold his people. You will not be able to protect him.

Posters:

Ustur Wod.bod (#12)

Star Atlas (#14)

Briefly referenced:

The Signing of the Peace Treaty (#10)