Fear and self-loathing in Brisvegas.
I gave a presentation recently and it was the catalyst for a profound shift. It was a leap of faith – terrifying and exhilarating. Some important conversations have come from this experience and what I share below is with the intention of keeping these conversations evolving. I’ve always craved more vulnerable, genuine, authentic connection with others and so here goes…
The details are not really relevant but I’ll give some backstory for context. I don’t share stories of struggles or challenge much, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I’d rather focus on what’s working than what’s not. Secondly, I think over sharing can be self indulgent. We already do enough self congratulatory posturing and pseudo vulnerability on social media and so I want to make sure that anything I share is with the intention that it may be of value to others, or at least, honest.
Truth be told however, I’m just fucking afraid of being judged. And that’s what this post is about, facing self-doubt. Choosing to be more honest, more vulnerable, more authentic and more imperfect in the hope that it may resonate with someone else as it does for me when others do the same. I know my experience is not unique and it’s just another story but it’s the kind I want to hear more of.
These were the thoughts going through my mind prior to giving a presentation last week – that leap of faith I mentioned. The conference was about creating thriving workplaces. It was a gathering of really interesting people doing work that matters –creating a new paradigm for workplaces that genuinely care about people over profit. There were some genuinely moving presentations with personal stories shared and inspired calls to action.
There was a lot of talk about authenticity and vulnerability and I didn’t want to get on stage and bang on about what we all ‘should’ be doing, I wanted to do it instead, to live it. I care less about what people say than I care about what they do with what they know. And I didn’t want to be that guy – all talk and no action. I’ve had enough of being that, I’ve spent my whole life trying to be someone else or at least presenting a ‘best of’ version of myself. Fuck that, I am craving real.
Rewind a year, I had developed anxiety around public speaking which is great preparation for a big presentation! As a teacher, speaker and someone who thrives on connection I’ve always been comfortable in front of people. I’ve always enjoyed it and found sharing ideas with others to be a really positive and affirming experience, a privilege. Until I was paralysed with panic and anxiety during a presentation to people I work with about a year ago. I was sucked into that black hole, that whirling vortex of breathless fear I’d only previously heard people talk about. I’d never had a panic attack or anxiety before.
It was a terrifying experience and it caught me completely by surprise. Upon reflection, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise, it was a timely wake up call right on schedule. Instead of deny it, I chose to lean into the darkness which for someone pretty adept at avoiding uncomfortable truths, was kinda terrifying. With the help of a mediation and mindfulness teacher I took a deep breath before letting go to understand what was happening and most importantly, what it meant for me.
I became aware that this was my body’s way of calling bullshit on what I was saying and how I was saying it. Not just in presentations or speeches, but in how I was living my life. What I was saying and how I was living was incongruent with who I truly am and and who I want to become.
So when it came time to present at this conference to a room full of people, I was terrified, again. But this time it felt like I had a choice – to avoid the fear or embrace it. And I couldn’t shake the ‘if you can, you must’ awareness I had developed. I could mask the fear of being super fucking anxious and tell the story I’d written – the safe story which highlighted all the wonderful things I was doing at work to help build a truly human centered culture, or I could stop talking about authenticity and vulnerability and live it. I knew this is what the fear was preventing me from doing and therefore it’s exactly what I needed to do. It sucks but it’s true, that more often than not, the most important things for us to do are masked by fear.
Fear and anxiety provided me with an opportunity to lose the script, to let go and trust. So I did. I deleted my slides, jotted down a few key words, got up on stage and said, “I’m really fucking nervous, but I’m craving genuine connection so can we all just be real for the next half an hour and have a chat?” The round of applause was a good sign. Fuck you fear.
What the applause was for was the fact that I’d given people permission. Permission to be imperfect, to be nervous, fearful, anxious. The truth is, we all feel inadequate at some stage and we all feel like imposters in the company of others we admire. And it’s bullshit. What a relief it is when someone creates space for us to just be real. And what a shame it is that we don’t do this enough for others, let alone for ourselves.
So with this post I simply want to call bullshit on self doubt – both mine and yours. I’ve lived my whole life paralysed by self doubt and self loathing and enough is enough. I suffered from an eating disorder for almost 20 years because I didn’t like who I was, I was ashamed of who I was. Looking back on that now, It’s a tragedy. It’s a waste of a precious life and it’s unnecessary.
I’m shaping up to fear, to ego and it’s weapon of mass destruction – doubt, and saying FUCK THAT! No more, it’s time, enough is enough. It’s a choice now, I know too much or at least I know enough, to choose. To say fear is not real is an naive denial. It is real. Fear is real but what we’re afraid of is not, there’s a difference and it’s an important distinction. So let’s move beyond fear and challenge the stories we tell ourselves about what we’re afraid of. Let’s embrace fear and lean into it.
I’m a naturally optimistic person, my glass is full (literally) but the thing that I can’t reconcile and what upsets me most is seeing potential wasted. The insidious isolation and muffled desperation of self-doubt has defined the best years of my life and I know it’s the same for others. What’s tragic about this is that it’s all self induced or at least we perpetuate it. Surely it’s time we give ourselves and each other a break. There are too many people suffering alone from anxiety, depression, loneliness, isolation, and we’re killing ourselves either slowly though quiet desperation and addiction or quickly through suidice. We can’t continue like this.
So how do we do this? It’s complicated and every situation is unique but let’s start by calling bulshit on the stories we tell ourselves about not being good enough, smart enough, happy, rich or successful enough. These stories are the accumulation of thoughts that become beliefs. And they’re changeable, they’re not fixed. Begin by choosing again. I believe that life is literally a ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ story. The adventure you experience depends upon the stories you tell.
As for the ending, the purpose, meaning or ‘why?’ I don’t know. I’ve been searching for meaning and purpose my whole life and beating myself up about not knowing what the fuck I’m doing with my life. I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. Perhaps purpose is something that finds you, rather than you finding it. Perhaps purpose is in the living of the story itself, and like any good story the meaning is not revealed until the end. Alan Watts talks about the purpose of a dance being the dance itself. The purpose of music being in the experience of it. It’s not a destination, it’s not an outcome, it’s an experience and it’s experienced differently by everyone; not right or wrong, better or worse, just different.
I wonder whether we’re missing the point to ask ‘what’s my purpose?’ What if we let go of needing to know and enjoyed the ride, knowing that we’re the meaning makers of our life and that any pre-ordained ‘purpose’ is only ever revealed one chapter at a time. We don’t know how it ends and if you could know, would you really want to? Have you ever skipped to the ending of a book and read the last few pages to see how it ends? How satisfying is that anti-climax? It doesn’t matter how the story ends as much now as it matters how you live it. Live it well, and the ending is taken care of.
And one thing I know for sure is that it’s not going to end well when we’re hating on ourselves. So let’s get the fuck over self-doubt and do something that matters to you, something that moves you, something that is an expression of who you truly are, with no fucks given to what others may think.
I’ve learned that for now at least, my purpose is to give that which I so desire – to be the source of that which I crave most, whether that be love, connection, validation… This means rather than seek these things, I be it, give it, cultivate it, share it, enable it for others. And for now, one of the things that I desire most is to be free. Free of judgement, my own judgement. To be free of self-doubt and self-loathing. And so I humbly present my fears to you here, an act of vulnerability whereby I offer that to you which I desire – authentic connection.
I also write this in the hope that in calling bullshit on self-doubt, that we all may see how magnificent we are, just as we are. And how flawed, and imperfect we are and for that to be OK. And that we’re never broken, but instead realise what’s broken are the bullshit expectations we have of ourselves and each other. And that we’re all exactly where we need to be and we’re never alone.
Sounds flippant but I know this to be true. It’s OK to be fucking terrified and riddled with anxiety or shame about simply being ‘you’. Just know that these beliefs are like books on a shelf – we get to choose which ones we read and which ones we share. In the meantime, can we all get on with being OK with who we are, now?
And perhaps in that space created by letting go of bullshit expectations of ourselves and each other, we may write stories that feature characters full of compassion, kindness, courage, forgiveness, joy, empathy and love. Characters just like you and me.
