3 Reasons of Why I don’t Kill Myself

Evening Contemplation #009

Since i was kid my brothers always bullied me. They shows domination by intimidate me in any way. My parents also wasn't there for me. Sure, they got some money, but i was alone. They never teach my brothers about respect. It was really affecting my social life. I was timid, quiet, unsocial and bullied at school. Well, not everyone bullied me, some of them want to be my friend. But i just don't understand about friendship.
 Only my sister that is always stand up for me, and care about my life.. until she went to Australia. Life was seriously like hell (sort of). I remember that i cried almost everyday. I was bullied at school, i was bullied at home. My parents won't listen so i stop talking to them. Sometimes i think about suicide, or run away from home. I was about 8 or 9 years old. I guess it is quiet fucked up to think about suicide in that age. 
 But... nobody sees that, nobody understand that. Even after i post this, i bet nobody read this as well. Sometimes i ask my parents to be more caring, but they always implying that everything is just fine, and i'm just overreact.
 Now i'm almost 21 years old. Why am i still here? Why am i not just kill myself, and dead already? Well,

1. I am Scared

first reason: i’m scared.. i’ve gone through the list, and every way of suicide sounds painful. I’m afraid of physical pain, because when people abuse me, the pain lingers in my heart not in my body.

2. I become stronger

Second reason is each year, i felt stronger. Somehow i just get used to the bullied, in numb my feeling.I still remember that one day i was about to sleep and i felt really confuse because i wasn’t crying that day. Each year unconsciously there is power that drives me to improve myself. And that’s why i don’t kill myself.

3. I’m curious

Third reason is because i’m curious. Yes i’m curious. I have a dream.. to make this world a better place. Or at least make a small impact. I guess i am quiet noble to have that kind of dream. But i also hope that one day, someone could understand me and my feeling. So yeahh, i’m just curious, if i finish this game of life, without quitting, what will happen? Will i win, or lose? Nobody knows!! That’s why i keep living.

Now i’m at college. Some people still bullied me at college.(seriously.. when will i learn to stand up for myself?) I’m still an awkward, quiet, unsocial person. But now i have friends. Some are just shows up when they need help. Some of them are real friends. I appreciated all of them. I also can speak my opinion in public, and slightly be more assertive. Sometimes i am get really sad, but most of the time i felt good. At least my life now is better than my childhood. So.. yeah, i will keep on living. Because Mikasa said, “Live is cruel, but it is very beautiful.”

Hello my name is Michael, if you like my writing please press the green heart at the bottom. I’m still learning how to write, so a feedback would be appreciated 😀.
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