Scumtuation

Hex quizz me ma!!

He had reacted too late though. Amaka was already half-way into the compound heading straight for the main door. Kamoru considered chasing after her for a second but she was moving quite fast and he was still recovering from a heavy meal of amala which was accompanied by prime ewedu soup with a calvary of animal parts ranging from goat meat to cow skin. Slowly, his hands traveled from his sides to rest on his head in classic “moku mogbe modaran” style.

***

Kunle felt like he had won a lottery and almost rightly so. Folu was one of the hottest girls in his office and nearly every guy had tried their luck with her, even their rotund pot-bellied General Manager. It did not help matters that she was a youth corper, the original “na dem dey rush us” gang. Yet here she was in his apartment. Kunle felt proud, his Yoruba Demon training was paying dividends.

“Would you like a tour of the house”, Kunle asked as he presented Folu with a glass of his best wine.

“Nah I’m okay”

“Hahaha… You don’t trust me or what?”

“Nooooooo… Far from it. I really like you but we’re colleagues. That makes this so weird. I wouldn’t want to contravene on office rules”

Unfortunately, Kunle was stuck on “I really like you…” and couldn’t be bothered about what came after that. He put that sh*t on replay and was doing a mini shaku in his head. He scooted closer and took her hands in his.

“I do understand the complications of office relationships but it would be a shame to let this connection between us go to waste. If we’re extra careful however, we can make it work and keep it away from the nosy gang at the office. At least till the end of your service year”, Kunle could feel the words leaving his lips but wasn’t sure where they were coming from.

“But…”, Folu began to interject but was cut short by Kunle’s kiss. She wanted to stop it but it felt so nice she just leaned into it. It was three years since her last relationship, if she could call it that. She still wanted to strangle Farouq for leading her on for three years only for her to find out one Saturday that he was getting married to the girl she had always known to be his “cousin”.

The kiss began to get more intense and they were practically tearing their clothes off at this point, all inhibitions lost in the sound of Maleek Berry’s Nuh Let Go blasting from Kunle’s home theatre. Her palms cupped the back of his head while she slid his…

“WHAT THE F***!!!”

Kunle froze mid-kiss and instantly felt the urge to take a dump in that very moment. Without lifting his head, he already knew who it was. That high pitched squeal belonged to his girlfriend of 7 year. Girlfriend? No please, fiancée! Men are scum right?

Folu detached her lips from his and turned towards the voice, wondering who was intruding into their make-out session. Amaka set down her bag, locked the main door and made a bee-line straight for the kitchen.

“Who is she?”, Folu returned her gaze to Kunle who by now was sweating through his skull.

“Err… I forgot to tell you that… errm… my sister…”

“WHICH NONSENSE SISTER?!”, Amaka returned wielding the biggest knife she could find in the kitchen.

“Jesus!”, a sharp adrenaline burst sent Folu to the door in a matter of mini-seconds but it was locked.

Kunle recovered himself and managed to grab Amaka from the back as she charged down at Folu. He managed to keep his hold on her long enough for Folu to unlock the door and make a run for it.

Amaka took one long hard look at Kunle and slapped him hard across the face, Tawai!

“You ungrateful bastard!”, she spat at his feet before storming out.

Kunle stood rooted in the same spot for a few minutes. He had blown his chance with Folu, probably ended a wedding he had been planning for months with Amaka and he was sure the Yoruba Demon clan would look down on him in disgust if they could see him in that moment.

***

In her haste to get out of the gate, Folu knocked Kamoru over where he was seated, fumbled with the locks on the gate and was out before he could pull himself back up. He sighed and dusted his buttocks. He wasn’t getting paid enough for this. He resolved to tender his grievances to the caretaker but even that one was always bringing home university girls in the middle of the night while his wife who works as a nurse at the local hospital was away on night duty.

Kamoru sighed even harder this time. He missed his farm in Osogbo.

***

The disco lights hanging from the ceiling in the club kept interrupting Kunle intermittently as he scanned the room. He soon spotted his David & Chidi with some Children of the World. He walked over to them doing the normal guy-man hailings.

“Baba how far na?!”, he bumped fists with both of them before taking his seat on an unoccupied sofa.

“Who beat you”, Chidi inquired noting the long face on his friend.

Both David & Femi worked at the telecoms firm where Folu was serving while Chidi was Kunle’s friend from the university.

Kunle signaled for the girls to leave and proceeded to narrate the day’s events to his friends. David doubled over in laughter throughout his story while Chidi tried as much as possible to suppress a giggle.

“Look man, I don’t know what to say.”, Chidi started once David was a little relaxed from his bout of infectious laughter. “You are getting married in a few weeks. I don’t see any reason why you are still going after these small girls. You have a good woman. Don’t f*** that up.

“He’s right bro. You don’t need it. Those days are behind us”, David bopped his head in agreement before continuing. “You do remember how Amaka was there when you were suspended from work for months.”

Kunle was lost in thought for a few minutes before nodding his head in agreement as well.

“Thanks guys”, he smiled.

“Well..”, David began, a boyish grin circling his face. “Since you’re not going to be getting anywhere with that corper babe anymore, as the only single dude here, I think I can make my entrance right?”

Kunle shot him a murderous look while Chidi was the one rolling over in laughter this time around. David signaled the waiter to replenish the table’s drinks.

***

Kunle drove into his compound and turned off the ignition. Opting to make the dreaded call from his car, he picked his phone and dialed. The call was picked on the third ring.

“Yes?”, Amaka’s disinterested voice came in on the other end.

“Babe, I know what you saw today looked like and I promise it didn’t start like that.”, Kunle said shifting uncomfortable in his leather seat. “She has always been overly nice to me and I didn’t know she had such plans. She came to visit me today. I don’t know how she found out my address. I swear I didn’t initiate it. She did. Believe me babe”

“Kunle I really don’t have time for this”

“Amaka please! Can we at least see tomorrow so we can talk it over? I promise I can explain.”

“If I say yes, can I get some sleep?”

“Yes”, Kunle’s voice sank but he had no option.

“Goodnight”, the line went off and Kunle dragged himself out of the car and into his empty apartment.

***

Amaka looked at the phone for minutes after the line went dead and sighed.

“Who was that?”, a male voice thundered from the toilet.

“Err… that was my junior brother. He has been pestering me for weeks now about his school fees.”

“Hmm…”, Chief Agunbiade emerged from the toilet wiping his face with the towel wrapped around his waist. “How much do they pay in his school”.

“About 450k my love”

“I’ll arrange for 800k to be transferred to your account in the morning. You can give him the fees and take yourself out with the rest.”

“Baby! That’s not necessary”

“I have to my dear. It’s the least I could do since we couldn’t meet last week. My wife was monitoring my every movement”

“Thanks my love”, Amaka got up and ran into Chief Agunbiade’s embrace. “She should realize she can’t have you to herself though”

***

Three weeks later, Amaka & Kunle got married in a beautiful wedding ceremony in Ikoyi with family, friends and loved ones present. Kunle got to the reception a tad late, making a little detour for a final rendezvous with Fola. Chief Agunbiade was also present at the reception, spraying 100 dollar notes like nobody’s business.

TO BE SCUMTINUED…

Photo Credit: Burst