Welcome to Teacher Safety Training!

Michael Rossi
Aug 31, 2018 · 5 min read

Hello, teachers! How’s everyone doing today? Oh, you can do better than that! HOW’S EVERYONE DOING TODAY???

Love that energy! All right, time to confront the elephant in the room! I’m here today because your district is looking to better prepare everyone in the event that an armed intruder found his way into this school. You know, just in case a disgruntled, murderous young man decided to take out his grievances on a target-rich institution embodying all that he finds unfair about the universe!

By the way, would you know what to do if there REALLY WAS an elephant in the room? Hide the peanuts! That’s a little emergency training humor for you.

Okay, where was I? Oh yes, an armed intruder! Well, what we want to do here is prepare you to make tactical decisions in an emergency situation. You, know — how to scan the environment, evaluate risk, disarm an armed IED, use krav maga to disable a jihadi. Basic stuff. We’ve got a simple acronym that I’d like you all to recite with me: S.H.G.Y.E.M.W.A.A.O.O.R.B.U.L.F.F.

Coincidentally, SHGYEMWAAOORBULFF is the name of a demon in an H.P. Lovecraft short story!

Good! Rolls right off the tongue.

The ‘S’ stands for ‘Stop.’ Let’s say you’re handing back papers one day, when suddenly an unbalanced student pulls a Glock 19 from his backpack and shouts, “YOU’VE DISRESPECTED ME FOR THE LAST TIME!” It would be inappropriate to keep passing back their Great Gatsby essays.

The “H.G.Y.E.” stands for “Hunger Games Your Environment.” Remember that documentary, The Hunger Games? What I loved about that film is that death can come for Katniss from anywhere. Whether it’s an impoverished teenager carrying a mace or a pack of genetically-engineered nightmare-dogs, Katniss is constantly on the lookout for her murderer. And that’s how teachers have to be, all the time!

Ideally, every teacher should be able to shoot a rabbit through the eye from 300 meters. We’ll cover that in the session after lunch.

Did you feel that stabbing sensation in the back of your neck? Blow dart! That’s right, we had a Navy Seal dress up like a teacher, sit in the back row, and shoot a few of you with a mild tranquilizer! You know, just so that you remember to be ready for anything!

By the way, do you know another good movie with Jennifer Lawrence? The Silver Linings Playbook! She’s so talented.

Okay, so the “M.W.A.A.O.O.R.B.” stands for “Make Weapons and Armor out of Recycle Bins.” You see, your environment is not just a source of danger — it’s also a source of personal defense! I’ve invited Doug up here on state — Doug is wearing a recycling bin, a trash can lid, a metal pot, and two shin guards he swiped from his daughter’s soccer team. Oh, and he’s armed with my son’s insulin pen — remind me to put that back in the kit afterwards. See, Doug here has turned ordinary classroom objects into some truly bad-ass protection against danger! I mean, maybe pull that pot up over your eyes so you can see better, Doug, but otherwise you look like a cool armadillo or one of those crazy guys from Mad Max. Was Jennifer Lawrence in Mad Max? Okay, go sit down, Doug.

Doug made this awesome helmet out of tinfoil. Just try and steal his thoughts now, attacker!

Now, I know what you’re all thinking — how is an insulin pen supposed to defend me against a deranged killer with nothing to lose? First of all, maybe he’s deranged because his blood sugar is low. Second, good point — as the Bible says, the only defense against a bad guy with a gun is a good teacher with an assault rifle. We ask our teachers to do so much — instruct our kids in Shakespeare, the Civil War, the Periodic Table of Elements, square dancing. It just seems wrong to put a music teacher in a room full of vulnerable kids all playing the recorder and not give that teacher a gun. But that’s where we’re at in America. A guy I knew got fired from his job just because he brought a whiffle bat wrapped in barbed wire into a pre-school. I mean, what sort of message does that send to kids?

Wow, can you hear that? We paid a company to run a few jackhammers outside this auditorium so that you get used to the presence of sudden, loud noises! And we’ve also paid another company later on to fire off a few rounds of an AR-15 to see if you can tell the difference. Because not everything in your environment is trying to kill you. But some are. It’s like, 60–40.

Anyway, the “U.F.L.” stands for “Use Lethal Force.” Here is a list of the different classroom objects that can be used to kill a full-grown man. I know, right? What a long list! Ha ha, look at #68 — what, are we going to put his face in the pencil sharpener? But seriously, study this. You never know when you’re going to have to gouge an attacker’s eye out with a laminated picture of a dangling kitten.

How great would it be if an attacker was disabled because the cat in this poster fell on him? Is that irony?

Oh, and the final “F?” It stands for “Flee.” Maybe that comes before “Use Lethal Force”… I can never remember. Remind me to ask Doug after the presentation.

I know this seems like a lot to throw at you, like this grenade. Catch! Oh man, get a load of jitter-hands here in the front row! I hope she’s not performing any surgery today, am I right? Relax, Delores, it’s not armed. But it could have been! And that’s the point of this training — death can come for us at any time! There’s no stopping it! Except you, the teacher! So just remember — stay relaxed, assess the situation, and act. I mean, when you think about it, it’s just protecting kids — isn’t that why all of you got into teaching?

Oh, that reminds me of a great joke — Knock Knock!

Who’s there?

Armed intruder!

Armed in —

BANG! EVERYONE’S DEAD! Oh man, look at your faces! We’re going to need some coffee in here, quick!

Michael Rossi

Written by

Michael Rossi is an English teacher in search of goodness. If you have any information on the whereabouts of goodness, please contact him @michael_rossi79.

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