Motherhood: Black ops skills essential

I have anxiety. My chest is beating heavily and my wrists feel like 2000 watts are charging through.

I am coming out into the world. 11 years ago, I hid in an egg. I had to go back to being an embryo, physiologically alive, but lacking personality, identity.

My 1 year old son’s life was threatened and the only way to save him was for me to die. So I did. To his criminal “gangster” father and to my son, I died.

In being, in body, in mortality I was with Kevin always, he saw my eyes, and I saw his, but in spirit, in motherhood and in life, I was detached from him. Mama had to become a warrior. Mama had to watch him, hear him, smell him every second of every day.

In 2005, when Kevin was 9 months old, I found out who his father really was. Any human beings worst reality. A criminal gangster of the worst kind (and I am using the term “criminal gangster” in the mildest sense, he is more than that, but for our protection, I can’t really use the correct noun).

Sven, his father, is the ideological master mind of depravity in the 21st century. Every century will have men who inspire evil, men who perpetuate it, notoriously Hitler, Gengis Khan, Mao, Saddam…. Sven is one of them, and he is hidden. Evil follows him, evil is motivated by him, and they don’t even know who he is. They don’t even know that he has lead them, that he inspires them.

I feel sick, vomit sitting in my throat. I can’t believe that I am even writing this. That I would dare to put it into words, let alone “blog” it.

So Sven patiently waited for four years to try to abduct my son, and when he couldn’t he waited another four years. But I knew from the beginning that he would try to take my little Kevin, so from May 2005, I went “operational”.

I read Sun Tzu,meditated, practised Ninjutsu, moved back in and started my 11 years (and counting) black op to get Kevin out.

I played dumb, got slim, put on more lipstick and conformed.

I went from shopping at Harrods to being locked up in a slum in Africa to be with Kevin.