I’ve never met a nice South African
If you were alive and living in a former British colony during the 1980's, you would probably have heard of the show Spitting Image — a puppet based satirical variety show which is pretty much our parents version of South Park. The show had a cult following in England and large parts of the Commonwealth, but I had never heard of it before moving to Australia in 2012. Not many South Africans know about the show — I guess it’s not the sort of thing the puritanical Apartheid government wanted on SABC. And so it was with some shock that in early 2013, I was first exposed to one of the show’s most famous songs: “I've Never Met A Nice South African”. (When I say famous, I mean actually famous — the song was the B-Side to the 1986 UK chart topper “The Chicken Song”.)
If you’ve never heard the song before, and if you’re too lazy to click the link above and go listen to it, I’ll break it down for you: A puppet walks into a bar and proceeds to regale the bar tender with wonderful stories of his travels and experiences around the world. The puppet has met the King of China, and has travelled the whole world from Barnsley to Peru. He’s met the Loch Ness monster and has had an experience with extraterrestrial beings — but the one thing he has never met, in all of his travels, is a nice South African.
The chorus of the song proceeds thus:
“No he’s never met a nice South African
And that’s not bloody surprising man
‘Cause we’re a bunch of arrogant bastards
Who hate black people.”
When you grow up as a white South African, you have a sense of superiority beaten into you from day one. I don’t know what it is, but something about our culture has settled on the fact that we are some kind of chosen people — not legalistic whiners like the Australians, nor snotty nosed bastards like the English. We’re white South Africans — tough, rugged, individualistic. We assert ourselves, take control, make shit happen.
And so it is shocking to realise that actually, most of the world just finds us abrasive, arrogant and racist.
Or at least we used to be. I mean, we’ve changed since the 80's, right?
Right?
The state of a nation is merely the sum of it’s constituent parts. A minority of evil men may well manage to control the majority by selling them a lie — but the majority must still be willing to believe this lie. The lie must still cater to some secret desire of their heart. Things like Nazi Germany do not happen in spite of the open minded well wishes of the average German. Things like Nazi Germany happen because they play to the secret desire of the average German’s heart. It is an ugly truth, but it must be acknowledged.
The systematic segregation and rape of South Africa by minority rule did not come about because a few bad guys from the Broederbond managed to make it into political office. The reality is, the average South African was ok with it. It is a dark time from our past, and one which it is right and proper to be ashamed about.
The fundamental difference, of course, between Nazi Germany and Apartheid South Africa, is that Nazi Germany was utterly destroyed brick by brick in the turmoil of World War II. When the Russians on the Eastern Front crossed the German border in 1945, they began a practice of destruction, rape and pillage so fierce so as to level even the memory of National Socialism to ashes. The Germany that emerged from those ashes some 45 years later had changed completely — a nation that had once pursued an Aryan dream now opens its doors to Syrian refugees.
The end of Apartheid was, by comparison, tame.
I don’t remember much about those events in the early 90's, but I do remember the 1995 Rugby World Cup Final — I watched Nelson Mandela and Francois Pienaar victoriously lift the William Webb Ellis trophy together live on national television — and it seemed then, that maybe, just maybe, everything was going to be ok.
But things are not ok.
We live in a very hurt society. Some of this damage is historical, some of it is caused by our current government. Some of it is the fault of white people, some of it is the fault of black people. And through all of it, no one is willing to take responsibility, and no one is willing to change. The Germans were forced to change — the Russians made them do it down the barrel of a gun.
But South Africans refuse to change.
If Spitting Image were to release their song today, they might need to add a few extra lines to the chorus, perhaps something about a small black political elite abusing the masses to build themselves a network of massive wealth. Maybe they would add something about Nkandla, and arms deals, and how disgusting the rape statistics are in black communities in South Africa. But they wouldn't have to take anything out of the song, and they certainly wouldn't have to change its title. In a country of 50 plus million people, it is still quite hard to find a nice South African.
Does this sound too harsh? Maybe.
There are obviously many South Africans of all colours and creeds who are lovely, generous, kind and law-abiding. But again, the state of a nation is just the sum of its constituent parts. The rampant crime, corruption and social decay that plagues our nation is not happening in spite of the best wishes of the average South African. It’s happening because the average South African is happy to believe a lie. A simple lie, but pervasive.
And the lie is this: It’s not your fault.
You’re not to blame.
The problem lies with someone else.
White people blame the corrupt government. Black people blame the historical injustices of the past. Zulu people blame immigrants from other African countries. The EFF blame the ANC, the ANC blame the DA.
Eskom is at fault.
The police force is at fault.
The mines are at fault.
The game farms are at fault.
It’s always them. Never us.
South Africans are in need of a cultural reform. We have been lucky up until this point. We have managed to sort of stagger along pretending that nothing needs to change and a working unified republic will one day just happen. But the cracks are beginning to show. We, all of us, are in desperate need of a cultural paradigm shift — or else we must face the inevitable turmoil which will force us to change down the barrel of a gun.
It’s time to own up and accept that our country is hurting, and we are the ones hurting it.
