Five Easy Snacks to Feed Your Pregnant Wifelord

Wifelord cast off in a sea of nausea.

Wifelord knew she was pregnant. It was too early in the pregnancy to get a conclusive result from a pee stick, but she felt expansive, like she could eat another meal for dessert.

“It must be because this is my second pregnancy!” she’d say, standing in front of the open refrigerator. “My body must be jump-starting on weight gain.”

“What if we’re having twins?” I kept saying, to which she’d answer with a laugh that could kill. But I kept suggesting it. I practically wished it upon us.

We adored our 3-year-old daughter, Tala, and we wanted another baby, but we were pacing ourselves. Wifelord budgeted for one more baby and heaven forbid nature have another idea.

A classic breakfast around our house and a foreshadow of things to come.

Well, nature isn’t entirely fickle in bestowing twins on poor fools like us. There are a few “risk factors” for twin pregnancy such as being tall (yep, she’s 6'1"), advanced maternal age (yep, she was 36), and — pay attention fools! — conceived on the first cycle after going off the pill. Those last two factors have to do with eager ovaries and hormones — a maternal last hurrah to get the baby-making on the road.

Flash forward past the first ultrasound, Wifelord’s panic and elevated blood pressure, and my caveman response of absolute joy (more offspring to hunt mammoth!). Wifelord read Barbara Luke’s tome on twin pregnancy in two afternoons on the couch. All I paid attention to:

  • She would need to consume 3,500 calories per day (and avoid vitamin A)
  • She would not move from the couch or bed when not at work
  • Everything we knew was no longer relevant

We were entering the sleep-deprived society of multiples and my talent for inventing snacks at all hours of the night would finally pay off.

Below are some recipes for the wifelords and cavedads in your life.

Some inventions were rejected upon first whiff.

Blue Cheese Nachos

Throw some tortilla chips, blue cheese and beans (or any other leftover protein that needs to be eaten ASAP), in a big bowl, microwave for one minute and serve.

Fried Nectarines

Cut nectarines into slices. Melt butter in skillet. Throw nectarines into hot butter, let simmer for three minutes, serve while warm.

The freezer and microwave were probably invented by parents of twins.

Pho Sculpture

Put leftover pho in freezer for at least 12 hours. Remove from container, admire shape, place in microwave-safe bowl and reheat until hot (about five minutes).

When life felt heavy, a sandwich would reveal the face of God.

God’s Burger

Slice some tomato, onion, and cheese of your choice, then set aside. Fry up some bacon, a hamburger patty, and an egg. Pile all that crap on a toasted bagel or sliced bread along with lots of mayo, ketchup and mustard.

Wifelord resorted to eating in repose.

Stuff-Your-Face Nachos

Throw some beans, cheese, olives, pickles and whatever else is about to expire in your fridge onto a pile of tortilla chips. Microwave for a couple minutes and serve.

And after the twins made their appearance, The Hunger set in. Wifelord’s body needed sustenance to heal from labor and jumpstart milk production.

Baked ziti made by a professional chef, Dezi Bonow. I have no idea how he made it but it took away all of Wifelord’s pain.

Friends dropped by with trays of food that Wifelord would destroy within minutes of its arrival.

Gifts of food came from afar, such as Kringle from Racine, Wisconsin.

Some people drink glasses of water; Wifelord consumed carafes of water. It’s quite possible we caused the drought in California.

At the twins’ four-month checkup, their weight had shot up from the third percentile to the seventy-fifth. Wifelord was pleased and looks forward to weaning, as delicious as my snacks may be.

Michael Clinard is a photographer and artist based in Seattle. Follow him (and his brood) on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr.

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