How the ‘Karen’ meme misrepresents the struggle of everyday women ?
The origins of the Karen meme can be sourced, but the undertone of difficult women becoming overly emotional over trivial matters has been around for years. I’m not here to discuss the different sides of this argument, only to point out a different perspective.
That is, to every Karen, there are three ‘Alices’.
And who is an ‘Alice’? I don’t think an anti ‘Karen’ is a nuanced enough archetype. Those named ‘Alice’ deserve a more in-depth analysis of their behaviour, given they generally work in the carer industry. You will never find an ‘Alice’ as a CEO, a Marketing Executive or any profession requiring one to be overly assertive in carrying out their job.
Such careers might be call centre workers, cleaners, nurses or teachers. Perhaps Alice is a full-time mother or works a few days a week in the local cafe or supermarket to help her husband out at home.
The premise of an ‘Alice’ is the essential paradox of her more aggressive sister. Whilst a ‘Karen’ can’t wait to commence an aggressive interaction over something completely meaningless, often criticizing those without power, an ‘Alice’ has difficulty speaking up, even when there are apparent transgressions, and sometimes does not speak up at all.
Hates conflict
Maybe their parents made them feel bad for speaking up or publically berated in their workplace. ‘Alice’ has never or rarely won in a conflict situation. Hence her complete disdain for forever engaging in conflict, right or wrong, is irrelevant.
She sees the potential for conflict even in speaking up for what she has asked or paid for, making her avoid such situations. Many times that decaf latte asked is actually a regular latte drank.
Beaten Down
Everyday life has beaten them so much that they weigh up the emotional effort of speaking up about their current circumstance. Alice might have once spoken, only to expend so much mental energy that the dollar cost of what she asked for is not worth the peace of mind she had by walking away. Life has beaten her down by circumstances outside her control, and many things are not worth the effort.
Empathy Overload
‘Alice’ always puts herself in the position of the other person before saying anything. In the back of her mind, she does not want to be in trouble; she sees how busy the assistant or waiter is.
Even when facing downright aggression, she believes that the person might be having a bad day, and is therefore happy in some ways, because this person has let their anger out, saving someone else from an outburst.
The cancelled appointment with no phone call. Maybe the person is sick. The wrong order, that person must have made a mistake. ‘I don’t wish to trouble anyone, and this somewhat does the job of what I have ordered.’
They have been in the position of the person responsible and feel so empathetic towards them that they are willing to put up with what they are given.
Fear of being Shamed
There are many reasons why someone might be an ‘Alice’. Perhaps she was over shamed for asking for what she wanted, and the fear of that happening again was enough to stop her.
And even then, she puts herself in the position of the person shaming. ‘Maybe I did something wrong; somehow, this is my fault.’ That internal dialogue just keeps saying that the needs of others are more important than hers.
Weighing up the emotional trauma of being shamed and the fact that it will take a few days for her to recover, again, the risk of speaking up is simply not worth it.
Constantly questioning it was their fault
Imagine this situation, you work as a night shift nurse, and someone accuses you of leaving the fridge open. You are so tired, made so many decisions in the care of your patients, and have worked so hard during your shift that your first instinct is to think that maybe this is my fault. During my coffee break, I left the fridge open by mistake.
Yet those named Alice don’t make such mistakes. Nor did they somehow drop the new appliance that they bought. But their first instinct is to blame themselves.
Are generally givers rather than takers
You will never see Alice taking advantage of someone. If there is a power imbalance, Alice is generally weaker and is the one being abused. This is because some people make a rapid impression on Alice that she is a giver rather than a taker.
When her kids are putting on a school play, she volunteers to make the costumes, even though she has a sick parent and might be recovering from illness. It is because of this generosity that the Alices of the world are taken advantage of.
Final Thoughts
Everyone knows an Alice. They could be a family member, a work colleague, or the cashier at your local convenience store. Don’t be the person who takes advantage of Alice, and whenever you see her being taken advantage of, pick up the burden for her, just as she has picked up the load for so many in her past.
