Dear Mom and Dad: I’m Gay and Pat Robertson’s an Asshole

Michael Levy
Aug 23, 2017 · 9 min read

My father didn’t “do” verbal feelings, instead bottling up every pain and agitation until it would volcanically explode in a rage of cursing that would literally send me running down the street, hopping into the backseat of the car, or turning around and facing the wall in fear.

That’s not to say my dad was a violent man. He wasn’t. He was a loving, kind, gentle man, and despite his brief conniption fits—“Goddammit, you sonofabitch [followed by inaudible muttering]…”—that would end almost as soon as they began, he never laid a finger on me or, I presume, any of his children. After I learned this, my bratty self took advantage, sometimes pushing his buttons on purpose to evoke a reaction knowing I had nothing to fear.

Though we never had a single heart-to-heart, there was a mutual unspoken understanding and admiration we had toward one another. He was my best friend, and I was, without a doubt, his favorite. Even though he never said it, we all knew it was true.

I never saw my father cry. Ever. But, my mother said after he read the following letter he wept with pride. My letter itself was borne from fury toward my dad. In a phone call my liberal father expressed his opposition in December 1992 toward allowing gays to serve openly in the military, prompting me to angrily come out to my mother after he hung up the phone. (Which I detail here.)

In retrospect, my coming out letter is more than a tad melodramatic and, sadly, also more than a bit homophobic, feeding into every gay stereotype in the first portion. But, hey, it was the early 1990s, and many (most?) gays had some degree of self-loathing inculcated by a society that treated us as outcasts and as lesser human beings. And, after I got my internalized homophobia and hatred of Pat Robertson out of the way, I think my 22-year-old self gave a pretty good defense of liberty and the American ideal—before ending as gayly as possible in quoting La Cage Aux Folles, one of my dad’s favorite musicals.


The original first page of my four-page coming out letter to my parents. OK, so it’s the most homophobic part.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I guess you can figure out why I’m writing, since I do it so infrequently. This letter is a letter which will attempt to explain why I came out of the closet, why I told Mom when I did, what being gay means for me, and what my life has been like the past 8 or 9 years since I first recognized I was gay. Being gay, let me underscore, is not a choice. No one would choose to be gay, to subject himself to social ostracism and fear of rejection by his family. For this reason, I and millions others stay in the closet because it is a safe haven from the Pat Robertsons and other bigots of the world. Thus, the only choice one has is whether or not to come out. Believe me in your disappointment, this was the toughest decision I ever made and it took a couple of months of pondering until our discussion either gave me the courage or forced me to say it.

I’ve come out to five people including yourselves. I first openly admitted my homosexuality on November 13. I remember that date because it took such a burden off my back that has helped me relax and relieve my nine-year anxieties. In your shock, understand that this is the best I’ve felt in years. Perhaps my combativeness was a function of my inner struggle. My arguments and fighting with [my brother; name redacted] were probably some way of telling myself I wasn’t gay because gay people are too effeminate to fight, I thought. Gays don’t like sports, I thought. Gays don’t talk “normal,” I thought.

Well, in my past years’ experience, I’ve discovered gays are normal. They have the same mannerisms as everyone else. They talk the same, walk the same, eat the same. The ones who don’t have limp wrists or lisps are able to mask their sexuality. I was one of those people. These people, like me, tend to stay in the closet because it’s easier. This is what fuels the fire for conservatives. The only open gays they see are “queens.” They, and perhaps you, don’t realize gays are doctors, nurses, lawyers, teachers, business executives, and congressmen.

Why didn’t I come out earlier? For my adolescent and undergraduate days, I was still in denial. I couldn’t be gay. So, I did what society told me to do. I hoped to get what society told me to get. I longed for girlfriends, a wife, children, so that I would be accepted as normal. However, I knew it was not for me.

On numerous occasions I acknowledged my sexuality to myself. But not to anyone else. In my few female relationships, I had one goal in mind: marriage. With [redacted] I wanted it, with [redacted], [redacted], and [redacted], I wanted marriage with them. Not because I loved them but because I felt if I got married I would be able to mask my sexuality forever and be “normal.” Well, I am normal.

After my last relationship, I realized my stupidity. I seriously considered proposing marriage, talked with her about it and looked at rings. I didn’t love her. I didn’t even like being with her. But, she loved me and that would be my ticket. Without going into details, I eventually ended the relationship last August. I attempted, then, for 3 ½ months to reconcile my sexuality. I tried to come out to my friends. But I couldn’t do it. For three weeks in a row, I had the intention of telling my best friend. On the third, I did, Friday, November 13. He was as shocked as you were and, thank God, he has helped me handle the psychological turmoil I’ve gone through in thinking this through, who I should tell and how. By the way, he is gay, and I’m not dating him [this was a lie; I was]. I’m not dating anyone nor have I. You see, gay is not about sex. Being gay means you’re attracted to the same sex, not that you have to have sex all the time, which is the popular conception which guides most anti-gay legislation in this country.

When I came out [to visit the previous month], I wanted to tell you. Living with [my brother] did not allow me to do that. He is extremely homophobic and I wanted him gone before I told anyone. I practiced speeches to tell you in December, but I never had the guts to say anything, which stems from something [my brother] said when I gave him a hypothetical “what if I was gay” in October. He said he would disown me, [my sister] would disown me, you both would disown me. I actually considered never telling any of my family for fear I would be expelled from the family functionally. I couldn’t lose you. I love you too much to lose you. I still fear [my sister] knowing because if she disowns me [she didn’t] I won’t be able to see [my youngest nephew], [my oldest nephew], and [my niece]. I’m almost willing to live a lie so I can see my nephews and niece. Since I’ll never have any children of my own, they are my kids. I don’t know what emotional and psychological strain I would undergo if I could not see them. I thank God that, while you are both in shock and disappointed, you’ve expressed your love for me as strong as you have. I don’t know if I’ve told you this but you truly are the best parents and gave me the best of everything. I kid you, I argue, but that isn’t a reflection of anger but of love. Your actions and accepting of me as who I am has proven beyond measure the depth of your love, your character, your humanity. If there is anyone who has a deeper soul or tolerance or ability for understanding and saying the right thing when I needed it, I have never met nor will ever meet that person. I hope you realize how special you two are. I only hope my siblings and I can live up to your example of understanding.

My life for the past near decade has been one of inner turmoil. I have lived in denial. I’ve hated who I was. I’ve thought life would be better off with me dead at times. But, that’s not an answer. That’s what they want. They, the conservatives, want gays to kill themselves so they don’t have to do it [themselves]. But they will if necessary. That is the scary thing of being gay and which I know you fear the most: gay bashing. But, in spite of the possible dangers people should acknowledge themselves. Not because society will be better off but because of inner peace. I would rather die as a gay man than die as a person who lied to himself and everyone else . This is why as long as I am at peace with myself I don’t have to advertise my sexuality. But, let me tell you something, we need to change the climate of opinion in this country for the better: toward blacks, Asians, single mothers, Jews, the homeless, Haitians, Hispanics, women, and, yes, gays. While I’m generally conservative acting and do not plan to be an active participant, if called upon to work for democratic change I have to. If I don’t speak up for myself and others who will speak up for me. As a member of two oppressed groups and you of one, we need to understand the depth of the American dilemma: how do we live up to the ideals of the Founding Fathers that all are created equal.

This is why I came out on the phone on the issue of gays in the military. If I were black, could I be excluded? If were a woman? As a Jew? No. Loving your country and defending it is not a matter of sexual orientation. It is about pride. Gay men and women have served in the U.S. military since von Steuben and continue to serve. In the absence of conduct should someone not be allowed to serve? They speak as though gays would ruin the morale, etc. Sex in the military is illegal (homosexual or heterosexual). If someone violates this or other rules, they should be kicked out. But if they are exemplary soldiers, should they be kicked out because of something they can’t change?

The reason the military and others hate me is because of fear and ignorance. Somehow you’re going to “turn” someone gay. That’s nonsense. They are so homophobic or unsure of their own sexuality (or both) that they have to discriminate in order to reinforce society’s norms. When I heard you waffle on the question of equality and human rights, it made me want to say “what if it was me?” Well, what if I was denied a job because I was Jewish? That’s wrong. What if I’m denied a job in the hallowed military because I’m gay? If that’s not a violation of law and the principle of equality then we might as well have no freedoms in this country. If one group is discriminated against, society falters and the civic culture diminishes. Why do we want to deny rights to possibly 25 million hard-working Americans? We shouldn’t, and I know you don’t think we should.

Let me close by reinforcing that I love you and you are the best. I hope you get everything else you want. Who knows, maybe the law will be liberal enough in a decade to allow me to adopt a grandchild for you. If I ever did that, it would be because of my love for that child and knowledge that he or she would have the best grandparents in the world. If you ever get disappointed in me think of the lyrics, “I am what I am and what I am needs no excuses.” I can’t and don’t want to change who I am. Love is all that is needed in this world, and right now my heart is full of that emotion.

Thank you.

With much love and gratefulness,

Your loving son,
Michael

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Michael Levy

Written by

Sometime writer. Full-time Chicago Cubs fan. Extremely amateur soccer player. San Francisco resident. I don’t write fiction. Everything is true. Mostly.

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