Forgiveness & the Fifty Year Old Man…
Men in their fifties can be divided into two camps:
In one camp are men who are preparing to be “old”. They see that their “glory days” are behind them. The women they lust for pay them no attention. They feel sorry for themselves. They move slower. They sit more. They get reflective and self-reverential. With blinding arrogance, they think they see how the last chapters of their life will be written, what will happen and most importantly, how they will die. They do desperate stupid things. They say things like: “at my age…” Even men who were once considered winners are now cowed by age and the creaks they now feel in their bodies. Some of these men live with an unshakable malaise that could be confused with depression or worse. They use food (especially nostalgic “kid” food like that Twinkie pictured above), booze, sex, drugs or really anything to fill the cavernous abyss of self-pity they swim in everyday.
The other camp could be men who are all about “power”, “re-invention” and discovery. These are the guys who get psyched-up in an empowerment weekend and walk-in and tell their bosses to “fuck off” on Monday. They buy their first motorcycles at age 58. They trade their spouses and partners in on “more willing” (read: younger) partners who are ready to buy into the “new” life they are creating. Filled with possibility and a heaping helping of Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP), these men are actually running AWAY from their past as quickly as they are running TOWARDS some dark unknown future. Said simply, they’ve peered into their fear and now they are letting it drive the ship of their lives 100%. Ironically, many of them create “futures” that are amazingly like their past. They’ve just used a crisp clever vocabulary to rename things and they KNOW that they’ve got things together; at last…
I know these two camps intimately because I have been members of both. In fact, I have been leaders (literally) in both camps.
At 51 years old, I have been married 4 times, I have two excellent children who are both very loving, very smart and very, very wary of me. I have done 10,000 hours of ontological “training and development” and led “personal development” courses all over the world. I have apologized, I have taken responsibility, I have dissected my emotional and id-driven survival responses and I have even written them down so they could be evaluated and I could be made “accountable” for them. I have been sober for almost 5 years as a way of proving that I am better than my stupid drunk friends and family. Getting up at the crack of sparrows, I work out nearly everyday so I won’t become “like my father” all while I have gained and lost 500 pounds (literally) since high school and I look in the mirror and… I hate myself.
Why? Because until very recently I lived in a world without forgiveness. Real forgiveness.
In a world of forgiveness:
Being sober is being responsible. Working out is creating a well future. My “yo-yo” weight loss is just what happened in the past and doesn’t shape or create my future. My marriages are a commitment to being happy, love and being loved. My training as a course leader becomes a important set of tools; but the ONLY one you really need is a willingness to forgive yourself and others.
Here it is: as a fifty year old man, the last thing you want to do is forgive yourself or others. You’ve said for decades that you forgive people but you are a liar. Ever been divorced? Forgive your ex? Business break-up? Forgive your partner? See? Through the years you have created thousands of reasons to not trust your closest friends or family. You have all of these reasons as valid, smart and prudent. However, it is forgiveness that will make it possible to escape the prison of your mind. Every human has the remnants of our reptilian brain from 20,000 years ago that is the driver behind every dumb choice and every impulsive action you are taking right now. I am a recovering impulse addict. It looks like this: I think I am being clever and decisive. The world sees a self-destructive petulant asshole. However, using forgiveness, gratitude and compassion; I have created a new path for myself.
Let’s define “forgiveness”: forgiveness is eliminating the thing that needs to be forgiven in yourself or another. Gone. Poof! Nothing left. With this definition, you have never forgiven anyone, ever. Especially not yourself…
Here’s an exercise:
- Write down the names of 5 people who have upset you in the last 30 days. First and last name. (Trust me, full names make a difference)
- Write the story of what they did. Remember every detail. Write it as passionately and as emotionally charged as you can muster.
- Write it again. Notice that its about half as long?
- Write it again. No, really. Write it again. Now, we’re getting to just the facts of what happened. Maybe you’re getting tired of telling that story? Like the police used to say on those cop shows: “just the facts, sir.”
- Looking at this far simpler version of what happened, can you forgive the other person or persons? Can you forgive yourself? Can you see how emotion, impulse and your need to protect yourself got in the way?
- Forgive yourself. Really. This is the whole thing. You’re human. You’re an idiot. You do and say dumb stuff. Can you make that thing disappear? When you do you’ll feel 50 pounds lighter.
- Call the 5 people on your list and ask their forgiveness for what you did and how you made them wrong. Tell them about the work you did. See if there’s a chance at a new relationship because of the courage you’ve shown in being forgiving.
Said simply, this exercise will change your life and maybe the lives of the 5 people you call. The phone calls will certainly make their day. Really.
So, what does this have to do with being 50? Forgiveness destroys the “camps” that men hide inside and gives us our own path. We are no longer victims nor are we drinking from someone else’s well. Forgiveness is a creation. In the truly “hopeless” relationships you have, it can be a miracle. Men like to have the illusion of control. In the world of forgiveness, no one has control. It’s a paradox. Forgiveness once started goes completely out of your control and creates things you never anticipated. For some men, this might be enough of a reason to NEVER try this. However, I think you might be amazed if you are generous enough to do my exercise all the way to the end. I read a great quote:
“Forgiveness doesn’t sit there like a pretty boy in a bar. Forgiveness is the old fat guy you have to haul up a hill.” — Cheryl Strayed
At 50 years old, we make-up stories like its “too late” to do anything or “nothing will help” or your relationship with that person “is the way it is.” This is all passive bullshit. Forgiveness is a fountain of youth because it forces you to look at who you’ve been, who you are and who you want to be all at once. Time is compressed. Incidents are forgotten. Forgiveness gives you a clean slate and the other person is left with the experience of compassion and yes, even love.
Michael Whalen is a dad, husband, son, friend, author, teacher, speaker, music maker and budding forgiveness enthusiast who is 51 years young. He is so grateful for his life and the opportunities he has been afforded to make a difference with others. More information: www.michaelwhalen.com
